Saturday, February 28, 2015

The Special Pillow of Secrets.


Sometimes the last words are hard to decipher because the pillow muffles the sound.


I am Laslo.

2/28/15, 10:59 PM  




Laslo Spatula said...
Beware of a guy in a van who wants to show you his Special Pillow of Secrets. 

Of course, by that time you are probably already bound and gagged so it might be a little late.

I am Laslo.

2/28/15, 11:06 PM 
 Laslo Spatula said...
The Special Pillow of Secrets: what stories it could tell.

Through DNA, mostly.


I am Laslo.


2/28/15, 11:11 PM
 Laslo Spatula said...
The Special Pillow of Secrets: it is a veritable Shroud of Turin of smeared lipstick and mascara.

There is also a small tear in the fabric: tongue piercing, most likely.

I am Laslo.

2/28/15, 11:13 PM 
 Laslo Spatula said...
The Special Pillow of Secrets: if only Grandma knew what her needlepoint Christmas gift has done.

I am Laslo.

2/28/15, 11:19 PM 
 Laslo Spatula said...
The Special Pillow of Secrets: sure, you suffocate just one stripper but then it smells like tanning lotion forever.

I am Laslo.

2/28/15, 11:22 PM 
 Laslo Spatula said...
The Special Pillow of Secrets: yes, it has herpes, but that is the least of your problems.

I am Laslo.

2/28/15, 11:23 PM 
 Laslo Spatula said...
The Special Pillow of Secrets: Grandma, can't you see I am crying out for Help?

Alas, Grandma's mummified body hears nothing.

I am Laslo.

2/28/15, 11:26 PM 
 Laslo Spatula said...
The Special Pillow of Secrets: Grandma, you needlepointed the 'O' in LOVE as a heart. It is a nice touch, but it fills me with Hatred.

I am Laslo.

2/28/15, 11:32 PM 
 Laslo Spatula said...
The Special Pillow of Secrets: Grandma, you knew that incident with Mother wasn't an accident all along, didn't you. I never properly thanked you for lying to the authorities for me: please accept the young women I send you as my way to make amends.

I hope they are taking turns rubbing your feet in Heaven: you deserve that.

I am Laslo.

2/28/15, 11:37 PM 
 Laslo Spatula said...
The Special Pillow of Secrets: Grandma, remember how we used to sit on the couch beneath the blanket you knitted and watch episodes of "The Golden Girls" together? And I told you how I wanted to rape and kill them?

I have many fond memories like that.

I am Laslo.

2/28/15, 11:41 PM 
 Laslo Spatula said...
The Special Pillow of Secrets: Grandma, I drive my van at night and I can't help how many girls look like a young Bea Arthur. It is out of my control.

I am Laslo.

2/28/15, 11:43 PM 




This was part of her method.


I had an English Professor who, evidently, was big into bukkake. She would go into her office with a half-dozen male students, then come to the classroom glazed with ejaculate and recite Eliza Cook's "The Old Armchair."

As the class went on it was hard not to be distracted by the slow oozy dribble that eased its way down her forehead. Students would leave boxes of Kleenex on her desk as a hint, but to no avail: this was part of her method.

As an aside: it was better to take her courses in the colder months; the classroom in hot weather would begin to smell funky.

I am Laslo.



ADDED:

The bukkake teacher was most likely making a silent point about the relentless oppression of the Patriarchy. 

As a woman, men are always symbolically ejaculating all over you: a woman can stand Strong, but there will always be jizz in her hair. Not always metaphorically.

Or she simply doesn't like to swallow. That could be it, too.


I am Laslo.




ADDED:





Having students perform bukkake on the female teacher obviously favors the male students. I guess the female students could argue for the right to give the teacher Golden Showers, but is not the same thing and we know it.

I am Laslo.



ADDED:

I want to point out that the 'bukkake' teacher did not fellate her male students: all projections from their anatomy were accomplished by their own hands.

Everyone knows a teacher performing fellatio on six students at a time is wrong.

Under most circumstances.

This, of course, is different with hot librarians wearing glasses.


I am Laslo.




ADDED:




For a college professor planning an on-campus bukkake session it is vitally important for her to select a group that refects the diversity of the student body.

As such, you obviously need a black guy or two -- muscular types with dreadlocks would be good. Also: a Native American, if you have one.

And you might as well include that short Asian guy with the thick glasses and buck teeth.

I can't help it if the last guy sounds like a stereotype: it is what he looks like.


I am Laslo.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Open arms.


There are already so many different Christian sects and groups, but it is evidently time to recognize a new one: the Democratic Church of the Rhetorical Christ.

This church welcomes all that know that Jesus would want them to be doing exactly what they are doing.

They understand that Jesus is OK with abortion, or any other cause they hold dear, because Jesus would want them to be doing exactly what they are doing.

They understand that Jesus is casual with his Biblical teachings, because Jesus would want them to be doing exactly what they are doing.

They do not need to understand about the Pharisees, for example, because Jesus would want them to be doing exactly what they are doing.

They do not need to worry about hypocrisy, because Jesus would want them to be doing exactly what they are doing.

They can be atheist without contradiction. They understand that Jesus is figurative -- but, if he WAS 'real', Jesus would want them to be doing exactly what they are doing.

Tithing is OK with someone else's money. This is because Jesus would want them to be believe exactly what they believe.

Open arms.

I am Laslo.


Sunday, February 22, 2015

Penetrating Hillary.


I believe Walker's people realize that combining "Hillary" in any context with a possibly sexualized word such as 'penetrate' causes many to reflexively recoil at the thought, and, by extension, at Hillary.

Other phrases that they may have tested:

'prick Hillary's conscience'

'ream Hillary's law career'

'fingering Hillary's body of work'

'attacking Hillary's truth through the back door'

'felching on Hillary's promises'

and

'gang-banging Hillary's inner circle'


I am Laslo.


Scarlett Johannson and donuts.



So Scarlett Johannson and I are just enjoying a lazy Saturday afternoon, sitting naked in bed and eating donuts when she says:

"These donuts won't go straight to my ass, will they?"

So I said:

"Baby Girl, the only thing that goes straight to your ass is ME."

It was a sweet moment.



So she laughs that sexy sweet Scarlett Johannson laugh and says:

"You know what I mean, Laslo."

And I say:

"Baby Girl, you have the BEST ass of any thirty-year old woman that I've ever seen."

This lead to a longer conversation.

So Scarlett Johannson and I are having a 'longer conversation' when she says:

"Laslo, one day I will get older; everyone does. One day my ass will not be so round and firm and pert as it is now. What happens then, Laslo? What happens then?"

So I say:

"Baby Girl, that will only mean that blow-jobs become that much more meaningful."

I have a way with the women.

I am Laslo.

Friday, February 20, 2015

For the Record.



damikesc said...
Thread to ( __________)

Wrong.

Lazlo owns this thread.

Lazlo > all others



To paraphrase the Geto Boys:

Damn, it feels good to be Laslo.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Harassment, Part Four.

In college, I was raped by a female protester at a "Take Back the Night" evening rally.

Not much to add, really: it was dark, and she sucked my cock. Against my will.

I do not hold this against all female protesters who act out for women's safety, just the ones who have sucked my cock. Against my will.

I am Laslo.

http://althouse.blogspot.com/2015/02/the-sandwich-manifesto-sounds-like.html



ADDED:


"In college, I was raped by a female protester at a "Take Back the Night" evening rally."

The truly difficult part of this event was that no one believed me.

I went to the college authorities, but they just filed a piece of paper and that was it.

Although, in their defense, all I could accurately describe was the top of her head.


I am Laslo.



ADDED:

I mean, what could I do? She eagerly swallowed the evidence.


I am Laslo.




ADDED:

I suppose the police could've swabbed my penis to see if her lips left any DNA, but I probably corrupted the evidence by masturbating furiously when I got home.


I am Laslo.




ADDED:


Sometimes I still dream about that night and wake up with a feeling of terror.

Well, a feeling of terror and an erection.


I am Laslo.





Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Justice Ginsburg Reminisces.

David was very understanding of my needs. He knew when I needed to be pinched, he intuitively sensed when what I really needed was a frisky tickle: oh, how I would giggle like a little schoolgirl.

During long nights at the office he was always sensitive to when I needed an 'over-the-robe' rub versus an 'under-the-robe' rub: he just knew.

He had amazing fingers, dear David, like Lionel Ritchie in that 'blind girl' music video. 

I deeply regret not having the opportunity to suck his cock one last time.


I am Laslo.


http://althouse.blogspot.com/2015/02/justice-ginsburg-gently-corrects-those.html

Monday, February 16, 2015

Harassment, Part Three.


College was a harrowing experience for me.

One afternoon the Professor of my Ethics course called me into her office, and told me that I was in danger of failing her course.

"How can that be?" I asked. "I have scored nothing but 'A' grades on all the tests."

She told me those grades were misleading, and that to pass the course I need to perform some extra-credit work. She then explained that the extra-credit work consisted solely of me fucking her in the ass in her office.

"You're an Ethics Professor," I said. "Surely you see what is wrong in this."

"The first rule of Ethics is that nothing is fair," she replied as she bent over her desk and lifted up her dress.

What could I do? I couldn't afford to fail the course, so I fucked her in the ass; all the while she moaned and grunted the name "Nietzsche" over and over.

There are some lessons you learn in college that you never forget.


I am Laslo.