The Stand-Up Comedian in Tacoma...
"Hey! Hello, Tacoma! A bunch of good-looking people here, that's always good...
It's tough doing stand-up now, you know? You're up here telling jokes, and people are wondering what kind of fucked-up shit do YOU do, Mister Stand-Up Comedian, right? Because we ALL are fucked-up -- at least the funny ones...
So, I figure I'll get this out of the way. I'll tell you the shit I've done, and then you can decide whether you are gonna laugh at my jokes or not...
Okay, here goes: sometimes I have accidentally rubbed my crotch against a woman's ass on a crowded bus. Well, maybe not 'crowded' -- let's just say a bus. Keep it simple...
When I was in high school there was a cute girl who sat a few seats behind me. Sometimes I would drop my pencil so I could lean down and try to look up her dress. I think it was math class, if that matters. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't, I don't know...
I had a girlfriend that lived with me for awhile. When she was out I would sometimes open her dresser drawer and smell her panties. This wasn't like everyday or anything, just sometimes, you know? They pretty much just smelled like laundry detergent anyway, I don't know what I was thinking...
I had another girlfriend pass out drunk on my bed, naked, and I took a picture with my cellphone. Now I didn't post it on the internet or anything -- I haven't even shown it to anybody, I swear -- but it's not like I ever got around to deleting it, either. I've been very busy...
When I was a teenager my sister had a friend stay overnight. Of course she was hot. And my bedroom shared a wall with the bathroom. So I listened to her pee. It's not like that's my thing -- I don't watch piss porn on the internet, okay? -- but I DID do that, and thought you needed to know...
Okay, women, you're really going to hate me for this one: sometimes I don't put the toilet seat down. I know, I know. Patriarchy...
I was with a girl once and we both had been drinking -- no, no, I didn't use this as a time to try anal -- and while she was passed out I confessed to her that I had slept with one of her friends. Later -- when she was sober -- she asked me if I had slept with that friend, and I told her 'No': I figured she had her chance, right? It's okay though: I did eventually tell her the truth. After she left me...
Okay girls, this is a general one: if you have me at your place I WILL look through your medicine cabinet. It's not like I'm going to steal your drugs -- I have a good doctor, he pretty much prescribes me anything I want -- but I AM looking to see if you have herpes medication: I don't want the herpes. And -- if we had sex and you didn't tell me you had herpes -- YOU would be the bad guy, right...?
Now this might be the 'bad one', I don't know how you judge these things. I fucked a fat chick once because she was the only one left at the bar when it closed. It's good, though: I even went down her like I would with a regular girl. But I never called her afterward. Yeah: I'm an asshole. But it WAS kinda her fault: she had all of these damned stuffed animals on her bed -- a fucking ton of them. I mean, a hot chick can have stuffed animals on her bed -- we'll let that slide -- but with her it was a step too far, you know what I mean...?
So, anyway: that's me, that's shit I've done. Are we alright? Because if we're alright I think I'll start my act..."
I am Laslo.
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