When I Pimp someone out I PIMP SOMEONE OUT: their ass gets BANGED.

As a Pimp and Proud of It, I hate it when people use the term all damn loose-like. If you ain’t actually getting money for your ho turning tricks you ain’t pimpin’ — you feel me…?

Pimping is hard work: there are bitches to keep in line, money to collect, turf to protect, the occasional beat-down of a customer who got too rough with one of your girls: people, you ain’t selling your goods if you ain’t selling pussy, straight up. Or cock: I don’t pimp dudes, but live and let live, I say that sometimes…

And this whole thing about ‘pimpin’ yourself out’? That’s Bullshit. There ain’t no such thing: if you’re ‘pimpin’ yourself out’ that just means you a whore who doesn’t got a Pimp, that’s all. And Bitches without Pimps learn things the hard way: when you wake up in the alley by the dumpster with your face all broken up and your purse gone, you’ll wish yo ass had a Pimp, bitch…

When I Pimp someone out I PIMP SOMEONE OUT: their ass gets BANGED. It ain’t about words, it’s about ass and the dollar. So find yourself another Profession to make your point, and leave Pimpin’ to the Pimps. And this goes double for the bitches…

I am Laslo.

https://althouse.blogspot.com/2017/01/muslim-woman-who-voted-for-trump-asks.html

Dude: you four-hundred pounds with day-old shit-stains on your pants? I’ve got the Girl for YOU…

Man, I've pimped them all, and I’ll tell you straight up: Hos with Hope are one of the biggest problems you can have…

They think being a Ho is only temporary, that they won’t end up being a fifty-year-old crack-whore sucking cock with their toothless gums and sore-cracked lips to transients at some shit-hole hotel that smells of piss and burnt toast. I get rid of them well before then — I like my girls young, that’s where the money is — but I know where they’ll end up, provided they don’t die from the drugs and the cheap alcohol and the street-beatings first…

One of the problems with a Ho with Hope: the bitch won’t ever give up the anal, no matter how much the dude is willing to pay: that’s taking money out of MY pocket, you feel me…?

You take the Pimp Hand to these girls and it don’t even faze them none: they’re still seeing rich husbands and unicorn-shit in their future. It can take years for the Hope to get fucked out of them, and by that time their freshness is long gone and you can’t get more than Fifty for them, no matter what kinky shit they’ll now do…

 I usually try to hurry the process by giving them the sweatiest oily fat dudes to break their Spirit: having a greasy four-hundred-pound blob of diabetic blubber pound you doggy-style can shatter them some illusions, word that. Dude: you four-hundred pounds with day-old shit-stains on your pants? I’ve got the Girl for YOU…

For those of you who ain’t Pimps, consider that this lesson still applies in YOUR world: chicks with Hope will fucking wear you down…

I am Laslo.

https://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/12/now-were-feeling-what-not-having-hope.html

Hova: you let her start thinking of herself as Queen and of course this shit gonna happen.

Trust me, I'm a Pimp and I give Hova mad respect, but you can't let your bitch get all up like that. A Pimp who won't use the Pimp Hand looks weak on the street, you feel me...?

I know she's your Baby Mama and all, but you gotta say "Baby Mama Cut the Drama." Just because your Man likes to have a few slices of other pies don't mean you can disrespect him like that...

Hova: you let her start thinking of herself as Queen and of course this shit gonna happen. She ain't been spending enough time on her knees, if you know what I mean: Face Down Ass Up don't give her the time to be rhyming that shit...

You gotta show your Steel, Hova: make her have to wear her sunglasses inside for awhile, if you get what I'm saying. Now's not the time to get all Vanilla Ice on us: us Pimps need you to make the Stand, or else we get these other bitches thinking themselves ideas...

Remember what you said in "Big Pimpin": 

"You know I - thug em, fuck em, love em, leave em
Cause I don't fuckin need em
Take em out the hood, keep em lookin good
But I don't fuckin feed em
First time they fuss I'm breezin
Talkin bout, "What's the reasons?"
I'm a pimp in every sense of the word, bitch
Better trust than believe em
In the cut where I keep em
til I need a nut, til I need to beat the guts
Then it's, beep beep and I'm pickin em up"

Time to Gangsta Up, my Friend...


I am Laslo.


http://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/04/beyonce-walks-through-street-smashing.html

She tried to sell it to a customer in a used sandwich baggie with like left-over mayonnaise and shit.

Man, I've pimped them all: girls with a club foot, girls covered in splotchy-ass birthmarks, girls with goiters. You'd be surprised how often a dude will fuck anything if the price is right, and that's my job, I make sure the price is right in a tight market. That club foot ain't such a big deal when you only have a Ten in your wallet, you know what I'm saying...?

The guys who go for the girls with goiters, though: I can't figure that shit out. One guy used to love rubbing his cock all on my goiter-girl's goiter, he'd rub and rub then jizz all over that lump. Turns out his mother had a goiter, too: some white folk are sick like that...

I don't do amputees, though: I leave that to the specialists. I did have a girl with six fingers for a while, though: a lot of the hand-job dudes liked her a lot -- said the extra finger made all the difference. Me, it kinda freaked me out, that extra finger all stuck out like that, but money is money, you feel me...? 

Shit: then the bitch got all tweaked out on meth and cut it off with a steak knife and tried to sell it to a customer in a used sandwich baggie with like left-over mayonnaise and shit: obviously I then had to kick the bitch to the curb. After I got my cut on the finger deal, of course: a pimp keeps pimping, you hear me?

I am Laslo.

http://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/04/my-tentative-theory-is-that-hillary-may.html

I'll be having your Daughter moaning and calling me Big Daddy P in no time.

Supreme Court don't mean Shit to a Pimp. 

Supreme Court says I can't have an Uzi? Guess what? I got me an Uzi.

Supreme Court says I can't Shiv a Sucker? Well, I'll shiv whoever needs shivving, bitches.

Supreme Court says I can't turn out Hos on the Street to make me my Paper? I'll put them Bitches out, and they'll suck cock twelve hours straight to keep me Rolling Big. And I'll straighten out those that start the Wrong Kind of Thinking: I don't need the Supreme Court to tell me when a Bitch gets out of line.

All you lawyers; keep on doing that Lawyer Thing -- it don't matter to me none.Meanwhile, I'll be having your Daughter moaning and calling me Big Daddy P in no time. You screw me, your Daughter gets screwed: you Feel Me?

Now go back to your Pretend World of Big Thoughts: I'll be hanging out here, laying down the Street Law with the Back of My Hand.

I am Laslo.

http://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/03/its-question-every-candidate-for-state.html

You marry six women, you're not a Hustler, you're a Stupid Bitch, dude...

"Yet Mr. Romney pulled back, instead telling advisers that he would take on Mr. Trump directly."

I've told you and I'll tell you again: it takes a Pimp to beat a Pimp, and Romney is no Pimp, no way...

I mean: First, he's a Mormon. When a Mormon Dude gets six girls in his stable what does he do? He fucking marries all of them, rather than turning them out on the street Pimp-style. You marry six women, you're not a Hustler, you're a Stupid Bitch, dude...

Romney, he might have binders of women but he sure don't have any knowledge of how to handle a damned Ho. Hell, he couldn't even bitch-slap Obama back in the Day. Seriously: put a Dude like Obama in prison and he'd be sucking dick before he even got to his cell...

Me, if I got my hands on Obama I'd turn him out on the street real quick, if I was the type to work with Male Hos. Which I don't: you know I keep the peas and the carrots from touching...

Still, I bet Obama could make a Pimp a lot of money: a bet a lot of Gay Dudes would love having him suck their cock while grabbing onto those ears, you feel me...?

I am Laslo.

http://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/02/despite-all-forces-arrayed-against-mr.html

Lesson of the Day for the Girls: they can't Trust one another worth a Fuck....

Let me tell you about one of the Hos in my Stable: she's Maddy Lean, and she sure thinks she all knows how things should be...

I come into the Pad one day, and I overhear Maddy telling the other Girls that they have Stick Together, if they can Stick Together they have no need for Me, their Pimp. Once they see me, though, they all Front and pretend they were just talking small-ass Bitch Shit...

Now, I could have given the Pimp Hand to Maddy right there, to let them all know how this Shit goes down, but I choose to just sit on the leather couch all quiet-like, nodding to a beat in my head, eyes all Mystic Oriental Samurai Style...

Now the girls are starting to sweat, so I say I need to speak to Melanie, in Private. All the Girls know that Melanie is the weakest link in any chain, which is why so many customers try to talk her into Anal off the books. Like I let THAT shit go down...

Anyway, the Girls now know that I know something, and they know that Melanie will confirm it: she don't have to even say anything, she just starts crying and shit...

So -- before Melanie and I leave the room -- all the other girls start pointing fingers at Maddy, saying how Maddy's trying to stir some shit up and how they was gonna tell me this just as soon as they could...

See how I did this? It's much easier to let the Girls tear themselves down rather than me having to directly handle Shit. Lesson of the Day for the Girls: they can't Trust one another worth a Fuck....

So Maddy tries to leave, thinking I'll stop her, but I tell her it's cool, she just ain't leaving with no clothes on -- I bought those clothes, and they staying with me. She starts to cry, but I kick her naked ass out the door, and she's wailing that it's too cold outside, it's almost freezing. Not my problem, bitch, you a Popsicle now...

Melanie, now she start's crying -- I told you she was the wink link -- and she says to me PLEASE can I let her give Maddy a blanket, the concrete outside gets so cold...

Magnanimous, I say "Sure"-- but not for another hour or so. Some lessons need time to sink in...

I am Laslo.

http://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/02/theres-special-place-in-hell-for-women.html

The Ones that are the Pimp's favorites versus the Ones that are jealous and shit.

In the Stable there is always a Girl bitching that all the Hos don't just stand up for each other. You know: Sisterhood shit. She tries to rile them up, but bitches are gonna do what bitches do, unless there is a Pimp on Hand to straighten it all out...

All Pimps know: there ain't no such Shit as Sisterhood. Any of my Girls would turn on another if you dangle the right trinket in front of them. Rip the weaves out of each other's hair, scratch and bite like feral cats: all that shit. That's part of being a Pimp: you gotta know what trinkets work, and when Daddy is to give it to them...

See, they think they may be some Sisterhood, but -- on their own -- the divisions, they come fast:

The White Girls versus the Black Girls.

The Pretty Girls versus the Ugly Girls.

The Ones who can handle their Drugs versus the Ones that can't.

The Ones that are the Pimp's favorites versus the Ones that are jealous and shit.

See, leave them without proper supervision and the Lines get drawn real quick. And it takes A Pimp some valuable time and energy to get all this shit calmed back the fuck down...

That's why it is best for at least one Girl to have some bruises at any time: it keeps them in the Moment, worrying only about themselves, with no time for any of that Thinking Things shit...

You know what Hell would be for a Pimp: dealing with the same bitches forever, and unable to use the Pimp Hand...

I am Laslo.

http://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/02/theres-special-place-in-hell-for-women.html

But then that starts to be that Chinese Kung Fu Shit, and that's a whole lot of something else.

People, they are Jealous of Pimps and The Life: that's just the way it is.

Sure, they'll use phrases like 'bitch-slap' when they know they ain't never could do it none: a Perfect Bitch-Slap is a thing of Beauty. Yet most of these people don't know a Bitch-Slap from a Pimp-Slap, much less when to use one or the other.

For those who Don't Live the Life, a bitch-slap is open-handed, while a pimp-slap is the back of the hand. If you don't know when to use the right tool you ain't no mechanic, and Pimps ARE Mechanics -- we turn that Wrench that tightens what needs to be tightened and loosens what needs to be loosened, you feel me?

Now, I suppose you could use the side of the hand, too, but then that starts to be that Chinese Kung Fu Shit, and that's a whole lot of something else. Me, I never deal with no Chinese bitches, I keep my Stable chocolate and vanilla.

Now, if you use the term 'bitch-slap' but you ain't never actually slapped no bitch, that pretty much means YOU'RE a Bitch, and I'd school you up right now if you was in front of me: never Front to a Pimp. 

There ain't no such Shit as a Post-Modern Pimp.

I am Laslo.

http://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/01/why-there-are-so-many-things-with.html

The Little Hos talk her up, make her be thinking things she ought not be thinking...

Being a Pimp myself, I can tell you: Trump is a Pimp, Hillary Hell No.

Trump is a baller, shot-caller, baby, you can't fake that Funk. Hillary, now she wants to be seen as a Pimp, but a Pimp rolls their own Dice, you feel me? Hillary, she got qualities, but those qualities makes her Top Ho, not a Pimp, and Top Ho ALWAYS answers to a Pimp, Game Over.

Hillary: she lies like a Top Ho, hides money like a Top Ho tries to do: I see this Shit all the time with my Girls. Bitch be talking about how she would run things if SHE was Pimp, and the Little Hos talk her up, make her be thinking things she ought not be thinking.

Baby Girl, the Little Hos might be talking you up, but when the Real Pimp comes, they'll be shut up, quick. People Respect a Pimp, they Fuck a Top Ho, cause a Top Ho is still just a Ho -- that's how it rolls....

I am Laslo.

http://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/01/hillary-should-have-run-as-woman-in.html

I mean, Trump don't go to the Champagne Room, he Buys the Champagne Room, know what I'm saying?

As a successful Pimp, I have much respect for the Trump. 

He knows what you're looking to buy, and then he is Right There in Front to Sell it to you. If you ain't Selling, you're Losing: you're losing Time, you're losing Market-share, you're losing MONEY, sucker. 

If you can't stay in Front and make your own Money then you're Behind and depending on someone else's, and that makes you their Bitch. A Real Man HAS Money, a Bitch NEEDS Money, yo.

I mean, Trump don't go to the Champagne Room, he Buys the Champagne Room, know what I'm saying? You want to get a big building done, see Donald; you want to fuck an eighteen-year-old blonde with big-ass fake tits and a nipple ring, you come to Me.

Man, back in the day I thought Obama was gonna be a True Pimp, but Bro, he whines like a White Bitch. First Female President? We already got one.

I mean, I already got a Syrian refugee that tried to rape one of my Girls. If ISIS wants to Fuck with Me I'm ready to Fuck with Them, you feel me? But Obama, he's got fucking Nukes, and he ain't doing shit. Meanwhile I'm stuffing pieces of the Syrian in dumpsters around town.

I tell ya: you want to make America Great Again, you're gonna need a Pimp.

I am Laslo.

http://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/01/were-paying-we-always-pay-were-sucker.html

Didn't give it to him since he already got his cock sucked, but I understand his reasoning.

The Key to Successful Pimping is Knowing What You Sell, while also Knowing what you Don't Sell.

Some people, they come to a Pimp and think that -- because you're a Pimp -- that you can sell them Drugs, too. Bullshit, boy. 

I sell Girls to Guys who want Girls, and when they get what they Paid for from the Girls they then Get the Fuck Out. No hanging around like you be Coolin' with the Pimp, no asking for Drugs: Once I'm Paid I have no use for you. That's my Business, and I am a Business Man.

Now, I have a Problem. I got a Girl, Monique, who it Turns Out is a Man, got the Man Cock and Everything. Customer was NOT happy. Wanted his money back. Didn't give it to him since he already got his cock sucked, but I understand his reasoning.

Now, it seems some guys want that shit, but that is NOT what I sell. No Child Sex, No Animal Sex, No Gay Sex unless it's a Lady wanting to get down with one of my Ladies: That's OK. But Girls who are actually Dudes: That's Not My Brand, you feel me?

Now, I don't Pass Judgement unless a Beat-Down is needed -- Live and Let Live and all that Shit -- so if a Chick with a Dick wants to work in the Biz, I ain't gonna stop her: she just ain't working for ME.

So I sell Monique to a Pimp who specializes in the Crazy Shit: that's HIS Brand. Dude, if you want a Lady to fuck you in the Ass with her Cock see Lawrence, not Me. I keep it Old School, and that is what my Clientele wants. Like I said: I am a Business man.

I am Laslo.

http://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/01/imagine-restaurant-that-believes-in.html

Obviously, he did not understand the Importance of my Position.

Coral shows up for work today, and she is wearing a long-sleeved shirt, buttoned up to the collar. Which means she and her boyfriend have had another fight.

Working Girls getting beaten by their boyfriends is a pretty common experience in the business, but visible damage can curtail transactions with the prospective Patrons.

Sure, some of them will overlook a swollen cheek or lip, especially if they are getting anal, but Obvious Damage can put a Girl on the shelf for days, which affects economic liquidity in a negative manner; Pimps don't like negative effects on their economic liquidity.

So I tell Coral to take off the shirt, expecting to see some bruises, and sure enough there are bruises -- but the bigger problem is the array of cigarette burns on her arms and breasts. She could be on the shelf for a month or more now, and only come back being able to charge half her usual rate, even after the scabs are gone. This, obviously, severely impacts my long-term financial planning.

I had visited her boyfriend before, and explained that, when you get involved with a Working Girl, you can't then take out on her your anger that she is a Working Girl. Accept that she sucks a dozen cocks a day and her ass drips sperm, or move the Hell along. Obviously, he did not understand the Importance of my Position.

I pay another visit to the Boyfriend, and we have a frank, honest discussion: it is Important that, together, we reach an Understanding. And then I proceed to break his jaw and burn his cock and balls with a menthol cigarette. I also tell him that he owes me five K in Damages, plus interest; I figure he'll leave Town within a day.

Poor Coral: she has certainly made some poor Life Choices. It is a Good Thing that I am here to look after her.

I am Laslo.

Add the Meth, and things get messy, fast.

It had been a long day of keeping the Pimp Hand Strong when Tiffany tells me she's giving up The Life: she is going to go Straight and work at a strip joint and give only the occasional blow-job in the parking-lot for money.

I tell her that this is not a good idea: when you work at a strip club you're now hanging with a bad crowd, and there'll be no one like me to keep her Safe. She replies that they have bouncers, she'll be safe. 

Stupid girl: bouncers won't do what I will do when a patron gets out of line. Has a bouncer ever driven around town, putting suspicious black plastic garbage sacks in inconspicuous dumpsters? Not at the wage they're paid. Hell, half the time the bouncer is the one who becomes the girl's stalker -- add the Meth, and things get messy, fast.

Now, this shouldn't be a Big Deal -- there are plenty of other girls out there that I can turn, easy -- but once one Girl tries to go Legit the other Girls in the Stable start to get themselves Ideas, and then the Trouble starts.

Usually the quickest way to dissuade such thoughts is for a Stripper to be found behind a Denny's with her throat cut and her fingernails pulled out -- word gets around fast and Girls get humble -- but I decide on a gentler route: I tell her most obsessive patrons where she now lives, and let them know I will certainly not be there to protect her.

I give it a week: she'll be back.

I am Laslo.

If pistol-whipping is what it takes then pistol-whipping it is.

As a Pimp it is always trouble when one of the Girls in your Stable has a Famous Man for a customer. First, obviously, the obvious: they now think they are Special Candy-Coated Sugar Shit, rather than a run-of-the-mill hooker who just happened to get lucky. Baby: you are just expensive Kleenex that he is choosing to masturbate into. And Dude don't keep the Kleenex.

Second: he will often pay exorbitant amounts to make him feel like he is not just some everyday John. Now, this is fine when -- as the Pimp -- I decide my share, but sometimes he'll leave the extra as a tip, and the Girl may not be so forthcoming with the cash: this cannot be allowed. Pretty much in all these scenarios a Girl will need a tune-up directly afterward, just to recalibrate the hooker equilibrium.

Often, the Celebrity will just pay for straight sex, but the Starstruck Girl will give the anal as a freebie: Girl, I own the toll-gate on your ass and don't go thinking I won't check for evidence in your oil pan, or his dipstick, doesn't matter: I'll know. 

Now, if anal was the case a tune-up is de rigueur, but just because dude is a Celebrity doesn't mean he's above a beat-down, too: as a Pimp in this situation you represent ALL Pimps Worldwide, and as that Representation you got to Stand Up. If Dude got bodyguards you have Friends: if pistol-whipping is what it takes then pistol-whipping it is.

Sometimes the Celebrity will pay me extra to keep things quiet: I can respect that. If the money is Respectable: my Silence is a Commodity, Bitch.

Then there is the Celebrity who thinks that, because he is a Celebrity, he should get some for free. This ain't Baskin-Robbins, Dude: No Free Samples of any of the Flavors.

And Pimp: if you got starstruck too, hand over your Pimp Card.

I am Laslo.

http://althouse.blogspot.com/2015/05/most-men-would-drink-over-such.html

Note to the younger working girls: simulating 'listening' is actually a LOT harder than simulating an 'orgasm.'

I once Pimped a woman of Ginsburg's approximate age and looks. Made decent money at it, too: there are some older men -- widowers, mostly -- who just want to lay in bed with a woman and talk, and have her at least simulate listening.

Note to the younger working girls: simulating 'listening' is actually a LOT harder than simulating an 'orgasm.'

Anyway.

Now, I can't charge much for her by the hour, but if her average appointment of three hours equals sixty dollars, well: she is ahead of the fifty-dollar-an-hour hooker, more-or-less, with less cleaning expenses.

The problem comes when the widower is actually overcome by the desire -- and the physical mechanical ability -- to fuck her. Don't get me wrong: old people sex-money spends the same as those with the younger girls. But.

But: the Ginsburgs' ALWAYS break a hip. 

Always.

And now there are police and medics at the motel, and questions. God Forbid the Old Girls actually have a heart attack and die during the transaction; the customer will always plead Alzheimers.

So, older hookers: know what you are signing up for.

I am Laslo.

http://althouse.blogspot.com/2015/05/what-actress-will-play-part-of-ruth.html