A finger in the refried beans.

I once had some friends set me up on a blind date. Very pretty woman, nice dinner conversation, but a horrible blowjob. Did I blame my friends for the horrible blowjob? Damn right I did. Do your research, people.



If I were to go into the matchmaking business with a female client list my first step would be to have all the female clients practice their blowjob skills on me until they get it not just 'good' but 'exceptional'. Practice makes perfect, etc.

I realize this may take some time but the results will be worth it, and I am patient. The women will realize that once they are known for their exceptional fellatio technique there will be a large group of men ready and waiting to go out on a date, and will even be willing to feign interest in conversation.

After they have honed their blowjob skills they will be taught how to make a great sandwich. Icing on the cake.



Of course -- as a matchmaker -- I won't just set the women up with any man who walks in the door. I will have carefully catalogued the men's interests and divide them into the following groups:

Those who prioritize a great blowjob over a great sandwich.

Those who prioritize a great sandwich over a great blowjob.

Those who consider themselves good either way.

Possibly gay men who haven't come to terms with their sexuality yet.


I will set the latter up with the women who just want a companion to go shopping with.




If, as a matchmaker, I WERE to take on male clients I would instruct all the men to commit to cunnilingus: goose, gander, etc.

Now -- of course -- I wouldn't expect them to have to practice or anything: my understanding is that they don't have to be any good at it, just doing it all is what matters.



If a man insisted on becoming better at cunnilingus -- ha ha, I know -- I would instruct him to go to a Mexican restaurant: all the basic techniques can be learned there:

Tickle the tomato in the taco.

Lick the sour cream from the end of the burrito.

Stretch the cheese in the enchilada.

Suckle the salsa with a finger in the refried beans.

Finally: for the absolutely remedial clients I will start them off easy, at a donut shop.


I am Laslo.

http://althouse.blogspot.com/2014/11/i-am-simultaneously-aggravated-outraged.html