"Would you like to pet my kitty?" I asked, and she broke into a huge smile.

I've read stories like this, but I never thought it would happen to me...

It was Halloween and I was handing out candy to the Witches and Ghosts and Superheroes and Harry Potters when this beautiful girl dressed as a princess knocked on the door. She couldn't have been more than five or six, with golden blonde hair and riveting pale blue eyes.

Stop it: that is NOT where I am going.

I looked behind the Princess and saw her mother, and -- Holy Shit -- her Mother was HOT.

I asked the little girl if her mother was a Princess, too, and the little girl just laughed and said "I don't know, she's just my Mom."

The Mother laughed at this, and I dropped some candy into the Candy Bag of the Princess.

"A long night?" I asked the mother, and she smiled and nodded.

"Would you like a glass of white wine?" I asked. "It might help the rest of the night go easier."

The mother paused, then shrugged and said "Sure -- a quick glass would be lovely."

Suddenly the Princess squealed in delight: she saw my cat, sitting back from the door.

"Would you like to pet my kitty?" I asked, and she broke into a huge smile. "Come on in, my kitty's name is Bundy: he's very friendly."

So -- to make a long story short, the little Princess came in and petted the kitty while I fucked her Mother in the ass in the bathroom.

It was the best Halloween ever.

And that Princess is going to be a real Heartbreaker in five or six years.

I am Laslo.

https://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/10/is-this-year-halloween-traditional.html

Fifteen minutes or less, then vacuum sealed for Freshness you have to Smell to Believe!

Bob of Bob's Used Girls' Bicycle Seat Emporium says:

Sure, you've appreciated Used Young Girl's Bicycle Seats over the years, but are you ready to take it to The Next Level?

Your Troubles are over my friend, thanks to Bob's Used Girls' Bicycle Seat Emporium: I now introduce our Connoisseur Line of Used Young Girl's Bicycle Seats. That's right: only the crème de la crème of Used Young Girl's Bicycle Seats are offered in our Connoisseur Line of Used Young Girl's Bicycle Seats.

What makes these so different, you ask?

Sure, you've been promised 'special' seats before by those disreputable on-line dealers, but these are the REAL THING. How so, you say?

First: our Connoisseur Line of Used Young Girl's Bicycle Seats includes ONLY Leather Seats. That's right: no hard plastic, no moisture-resistant vinyl, just natural Leather, one of the best materials around for capturing a scent in time, forever.

Second: I vow that the seats for our Connoisseur Line of Used Young Girl's Bicycle Seats were carefully removed from the bicycle no more than fifteen minutes after the girl dismounted: that's right -- fifteen minutes or less, then vacuum sealed for Freshness you have to Smell to Believe!

Third: These seats for our Connoisseur Line of Used Young Girl's Bicycle Seats were handled only by our own Used Young Girl's Bicycle Seat Experts wearing sterile latex gloves: there are no contaminating oils from the bare fingertips of freelancers like your average Used Young Girl's Bicycle Seat suppliers.

Fourth -- and this is The Big One: Don't be fooled by that same Stock Photo the others use on their website again and again! Each seat for our Connoisseur Line of Used Young Girl's Bicycle Seats includes a discreet photograph of the actual Young Girl who rode it! Try to find THAT level of Detail from some other service!

Don't waste your money on Imposter Used Bicycle Seats of dubious origin bought from the Goodwill Store and pathetically sprayed with Children's Perfume: experience our Connoisseur Line of Used Young Girl's Bicycle Seats and you will KNOW the Difference!

I know What You Want, and I Got It or I'll Get It: THAT is my Promise to You...


I am Laslo.


https://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/10/i-always-wanted-to-go-somewhere-which.html

Or have you been in trouble with the Law for removing Young Girl's bicycle seats on your own at the Park or at the Schoolyard?

Bob of Bob's Used Girls' Bicycle Seat Emporium says:

Have you bought a Used Young Girl's Bicycle Seat from one of those internet sites, only to be disappointed that the seat was obviously never used by a Young Girl? Or have you been in trouble with the Law for removing Young Girl's bicycle seats on your own at the Park or at the Schoolyard?

Your Troubles are over my friend, thanks to Bob's Used Girls' Bicycle Seat Emporium. I personally certify every seat with a description of the young girl that I personally saw riding it. That's right -- my Used Young Girl's Bicycle Seats are Certified by Bob himself!

Now you no longer have to guess the characteristics of the Young Girl who rode that seat. You want the seat from a Young Japanese Girl in White Knee-High Socks? I can do that! You want the seat from a Red-Headed Girl with freckles and pigtails? Bob can do that!

With Bob you will never feel the sting or buyer's remorse that comes from those other dealers, and all my Seats are shipped vacuum-packed to preserve every bit of their own special values.

I know What You want, and I Got It or I'll Get It: THAT is my Promise to You...

I am Laslo.

https://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/10/i-always-wanted-to-go-somewhere-which.html

They value the added ambience of wow and flutter and pink noise.

a
The love of the Vinyl LP is a Fetish, no different than Girl's Used Bicycle Seat Appreciation.

The Vinyl LP enthusiast does NOT want the music pristine: they value the added ambience of wow and flutter and pink noise, the minute friction of the needle through the grooves, the emotional atmosphere of the analog Vinyl.

Likewise, the Girl's Used Bicycle Seat Enthusiast does NOT want the seat pristine: they value the ambience of scent and sweat and past moistness, the minute friction of inner thighs along the sides of the seat, the emotional atmosphere of a girl innocently riding the bike.

I could explain further, but you get the idea.


I am Laslo.


ADDED:

I bet in the Seventies there were people who had parties where they listened to vinyl records on high-end stereo equipment and sniffed young girls' used bicycle seats.

There was also fondue and shag carpet.

I am Laslo.

https://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/10/i-always-wanted-to-go-somewhere-which.html

I have been diagnosed.

sdharms said...

Althouse: why do you not block Laslo? He obviously is mentally ill, and to continue to allow him to vent is exploitative.

https://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/10/was-that-racist-costume-at-university.html

Like I want to talk politics with some greasy dude I've never met who's buying eight DVDs of Big Black Guy/Teen White Girl Anal Porn.

Sketchy Guy Who Works at the Adult Bookstore says:

So I'm ringing this guy up -- eight DVDs of Black Guy/Teen White Girl Anal Porn -- and he asks me: "What do you think about the Election?"

"What?" I say, not really paying attention.

"Crazy election this year, isn't it?"

Like I want to talk politics with some greasy dude I've never met who's buying eight DVDs of Big Black Guy/Teen White Girl Anal Porn.

"I mean, this year is nuts, right?" he says.

"Sure," I say, hoping that will shut him up but I know it won't.

"What a fucking choice," he says, smiling at me for responding to him.

"Choices are choices," I reply. " Some people like Big Black Guy/Teen White Girl Anal Porn, some like Big Black Guy/Teen White BOY Anal Porn. Right?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess..."

"And some like Big Black Guy/UNDERAGE White Girl Anal Porn, if they only knew where to find it. Internet searches can be tricky that way: you never know who is watching..."

"I don't like the idea of underage porn," the guy says, sweating upon his brow.

"I'm sure you don't. No one likes it: that's why there is no underage porn. Anywhere."

"Uh..."

"Especially the underage white blue-eyed blonde girls in their little dresses. With big black men in dreadlocks with gold teeth. No one ever wants to see THAT."

"Can I just get those put in a bag?" he says, his lip trembling.

"I only have these clear plastic bags, sir. How far away did you park?"

"Uh: I took the bus..."

"Oh my, that's gonna be awkward."

"You sure you don't have anything more... discreet?"

"Wait!" I say, reaching under the counter. "I have THIS" I say, and I slap a blue 'Hillary for President' bumper sticker on his clear plastic bag of Big Black Guy/Teen White Girl Anal Porn.

"That should work," I say as he leaves, desperately trying to hide his bag under his shirt.

Like I want to talk politics with you, asshole...

Stranger things have happened to me here at the Book Store...


I am Laslo.


https://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/10/at-red-leaf-cafe.html

What if it wasn't my Great-Grandfather, but a family friend of his?

Lamar Gonna Set You Straight...

You White People are the most clueless when you think you even have a clue: damn...

What if I said my Great-Grandfather was lynched?

What if it wasn't my Great-Grandfather, but a family friend of his?

What if it wasn't my Great-Granfather's family friend, but maybe just an acquaintance of the family friend from two towns over?

For a lot of us Black People it don't make much difference.

For a lot of Smart Rich White People it don't make much difference, either, but for the fucking wrong reasons...

I know, I know: all my Great-Grandfathers look alike to you...

You think you got Problems? Fuck You.

I am Laslo.

https://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/10/was-that-racist-costume-at-university.html

I tell her that, no, I've never had a woman fuck me in the ass with a strap-on cock, if that is what you're asking.

Sketchy Guy Who Works at the Adult Bookstore says:

Halloween, man: it's the time of the year when I see the most women come into the store. And a lot of these women are straight, not just the usual lesbians doing the 'looking for a new dildo but thicker this time' thing: they always upgrade to thicker. Same with their butt-plugs: some of those things could be misidentified as a fire hydrant in the dark...

No, these straight chicks are looking for naughty items for Halloween: French Maid outfits, Sexy Nurse outfits, crotchless panties, whips, furry handcuffs, you get it. And of course the sweaty disheveled guys in the store watch them intently: these giggling women stroking the plastic cocks with their fingertips WILL be masturbated to later that night...

Last year I had a woman ask me for assistance in choosing a strap-on cock. Like I'm an expert: I just sell the shit. She goes on to tell me that her boyfriend likes to dress in women's clothing at home, and for Halloween he is going to go out in his favorite female outfit, and she was going to go with him as a man with a strap-on cock. Whatever works, you know? Like I'm some sexual psychiatrist: I get paid minimum wage, people...

So I show her the strap-on cocks, and she asks if I've used one. I tell her I already have a penis, and she says no, I mean have you ever been with a woman wearing a strap-on cock? I tell her that, no, I've never had a woman fuck me in the ass with a strap-on cock, if that is what you're asking; she blushed and nodded...

She then goes on about how her boyfriend wants her to fuck him in the ass with a strap-on cock: he is not gay or anything, you understand, he just thinks it could be fun to experiment. Uh-huh I say, and then she says 'Maybe I could practice on you' in that way that is said as a joke but both people know it is not really a joke...

"Would you suck my cock first and let me shoot my load on your face?" I ask, and now she has that deer-in-the-headlights look. Oh, she was just kidding, really, she says, and I sell her the strap-on: her hands tremble when she pulls out her wallet. I ask her that I need to see her ID, and now she looks really uncomfortable. I don't really need to see her ID, but it gives me the chance to see her name and quickly memorize her address...

"Thanks, Janet Adams," I smile as she hurries out the door...

Would I have let her fuck me in the ass with the strap-on? I don't know: maybe? Stranger things have happened to me here at the Book Store...


I am Laslo.


https://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/10/as-varied-and-popular-as-romantic.html

Maybe I was just born in the wrong place. I would even learn to like hummus...

Socially Awkward Guy Who Makes No Eye Contact says:

I wonder if I was a Muslim if the young Arab Woman at McDonalds would HAVE to let me pee on her. It seems like the men in that culture can do anything they want when it comes to women...

She would be there waiting obediently when I got home, on her knees in the bathtub, I could pee on her and then she would go make us Hot Pockets for dinner: how awesome THAT would be...

I bet if I was Muslim I could pee on her anytime I liked: she would not think it was weird, because I was a Muslim, too, and because I wouldn't beat her or anything, I just would pee on her...

Maybe I was just born in the wrong place. I would even learn to like hummus...

Like no one else thinks these things.

I hope the Girl with the Blue Hair is working at McDonalds today.

I am Laslo.

https://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/10/i-have-lived-for-while-in-west-and-i.html

There are days I don't even want to leave the house: I wonder if she gets that feeling, too...

Socially Awkward Guy Who Makes No Eye Contact says:

There is a young Arab Woman I see at McDonalds sometimes, and I see how people look at her: they look at her with suspicion, with hate, with contempt. I know what it is to be stared at that way, so I know The Look. It is amazing how mean people can be, just with their eyes...

It is tough to know that you are all alone, that no one will see you with any humanity. I mean, everyone has at least something wrong with them, and then they take out their shame on the weak and the weird and the awkward...

Just because she follows a different culture doesn't mean she should have to put up with what other people think, and I sense that she must be strong, very strong, to put herself out there, every day, no matter what people think. I mean, there are days I don't even want to leave the house: I wonder if she gets that feeling, too...


Man, I want to pee on her so bad.


Like no one else thinks these things.

I hope the Girl with the Blue Hair is working at McDonalds today.

I am Laslo.

https://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/10/i-have-lived-for-while-in-west-and-i.html

Then the girl apologized to me for telling all her friends and laughing at me about peeing the bed.

Socially Awkward Guy Who Makes No Eye Contact says:

I once called a girl I kinda liked a lot, and left a message. The days that followed crawled by so slow: I would check the answering machine to see if she called back, but there would be nothing. The next day: nothing. The day after: nothing…

I started to think I was a fool for even reaching out to her: like any girl would ever bother calling ME back. She was probably making fun of my call to her friends, and they were all laughing at me, calling me names and saying I was a loser…

I wished that I could only take back that call: I would pretend it never happened, that it wasn't me, that someone else must have called and pretended they were me: those kinds of things, but the silence continued to torture me…

Then -- after two weeks -- she returned my call! My mouth went dry, and I felt light-headed. It turns out she had called me the day after my phone call, but my Mom had picked up the phone and told her I was busy washing the bedsheets I peed the night before: Thanks, Mom….

Then the girl apologized to me for telling all her friends and laughing at me about peeing the bed. I told her it was 'okay, really' but then she started laughing and said that the only reason she was calling to apologize was that her Mother was making her do it, and that she didn't hang out with bed-wetters and that I was also creepy and needed to wash my hair because it was stringy and gross and then said I was creepy again…

A year later her younger sister died in a car accident, so maybe wetting the bed wasn't such a big thing after all, now was it?

Like no one else thinks these things.

I hope the Girl with the Blue Hair is working at McDonalds today.


I am Laslo.


https://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/10/bob-dylan-says-hell-attend-nobel-awards.html

Like I was somehow supposed to know THAT…

Dude With Seven Restraining Orders says:

I used to date a chick, she liked it if I choked her a little during sex. Then we had a misunderstanding, and -- of course -- then I got another damn Restraining Order…

See, it turns out she kinda liked being choked by my hands around her neck from above, but NOT by a necktie pulled around her throat from behind. Like I was somehow supposed to know THAT…

Chicks: unless you just want to have boring run-of-the-mill sex you GOTTA let us guys know your do's and don'ts. You don't want it in your ass? Tell me. You don't like it when I push on the back of your head when you're sucking my cock? Let me know. Beforehand. "No" means "No"? Say it like you mean it for once…

Trust me, if you say don't handcuff you I won't handcuff you. If you say don't run the tip of a knife along your breasts I won't run the tip of a knife along your breasts. If you say don't hold your head beneath the water as I bend you over the bathtub and do you from behind then I will not hold your head beneath the water as I bend you over the bathtub and do you from behind….

If none of these boundaries is applicable to you, just wink and say you are a 'Dirty Girl': I'll understand…

And, yes, I did put a pubic hair on that one girl's Starbucks cup, but the person who says they saw me do it is lying...


I am Laslo.


https://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/10/i-saw-news-story-and-was-empowered-by.html

"Uh… Baby want Rough Daddy Baby-Baby."

Dude With Seven Restraining Orders says:

So the Police show up at my place, and they question me about committing assault…

Who did I assault? I ask, and they give me the name of a girl I met at the bar a few nights back. I tell them that I had SEX with her, I didn't ASSAULT her. I had even asked her if she liked it rough, and she said she did. To be technical, here was our conversation, as far as I recall:

"Does baby like it rough?"

"I think so…?"

"No, you gotta say it."

"Say what?"

"Say 'Baby wants it rough, Daddy.'"

"Huh…?"

"Come on and say it: 'Baby wants it rough, Daddy: Baby wants it REAL rough."

"Uh… Baby want Rough Daddy Baby-Baby."

Which I thought was close enough, considering how tipsy she was.

Anyway, now her doctor says the teeth-marks I left on her buttocks are going to be a permanent scar, which I think is pretty cool, but she is all upset about it.

The Police tell me they do not have enough to arrest me, but that I better be very careful in the future. Careful? What am I supposed to do, get them to sign a paper saying it is okay if I bite their ass? Another signature stating it's okay when I push a pillow over her face? I tell you, this system is all kinds of fucked up…

And, yes, I did put a pubic hair on that one girl's Starbucks cup, but the person who says they saw me do it is lying...




I am Laslo.


https://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/10/i-saw-news-story-and-was-empowered-by.html