Sunday, January 31, 2016

But then that starts to be that Chinese Kung Fu Shit, and that's a whole lot of something else.

People, they are Jealous of Pimps and The Life: that's just the way it is.

Sure, they'll use phrases like 'bitch-slap' when they know they ain't never could do it none: a Perfect Bitch-Slap is a thing of Beauty. Yet most of these people don't know a Bitch-Slap from a Pimp-Slap, much less when to use one or the other.

For those who Don't Live the Life, a bitch-slap is open-handed, while a pimp-slap is the back of the hand. If you don't know when to use the right tool you ain't no mechanic, and Pimps ARE Mechanics -- we turn that Wrench that tightens what needs to be tightened and loosens what needs to be loosened, you feel me?

Now, I suppose you could use the side of the hand, too, but then that starts to be that Chinese Kung Fu Shit, and that's a whole lot of something else. Me, I never deal with no Chinese bitches, I keep my Stable chocolate and vanilla.

Now, if you use the term 'bitch-slap' but you ain't never actually slapped no bitch, that pretty much means YOU'RE a Bitch, and I'd school you up right now if you was in front of me: never Front to a Pimp. 

There ain't no such Shit as a Post-Modern Pimp.

I am Laslo.

"I think we should print that up with some pretty colors and frame it."

"Daddy Issue America": an Excerpt...

"So Amanda, how was Mr. Kimble today?"

"He's pretending that nothing ever happened."

"Men do that a lot, my sweet. It's how they can live with themselves in a state of continued sexual frustration."

"I guess so. So anyway I got an 'A' on my Poem."

"You wrote a poem?"

"For class."

"No shit, Amanda: read it to me!"

"Aw, Mom...."


"OK.... Here goes:

I am a Flower
Just Starting to Bloom
I Stay Inside My Room
And Wonder what My Future
Will Bring
Then I Listen to the Birds Sing
And Count All the Men
Who Want to Fuck Me
In the Ass."

"That's beautiful, darling. And so true: I remember those feelings myself, just like it was yesterday."

"Thanks, Mom."

"I think we should print that up with some pretty colors and frame it."

"That would be kind of cool... You're the best, Mom."

"I'm more than your Mother, Amanda: I am your Friend..."

I am Laslo.

"He's not gay, he's just an English Teacher, mom."

"Daddy Issue America": an Excerpt...

"So Amanda, how was school today?"

"I got called into the Principal's Office because mr. Kimble wants me to suck his cock."

"Mr. Kimble? I thought he was gay."

"He's not gay, he's just an English Teacher, mom."

"So did he ask you to suck his cock?"

"It was the eye thing. Staring at my lips: you know."

"Ah yes: I know. I remember the 'eye thing' when I was your age. It seems like every man wants you to suck their cock."

"Yeah: I know."

"It's tough being a young girl, blossoming with beauty and sexuality. I remember Mr. Gazelli, my Gym Teacher, trying to slip his finger in my asshole during Gymnastics."


"A lot of men have a thing about young girls' assholes, too, Amanda."

"Does it ever get better, Mom?"

"Oh, my silly girl: this is the BEST time of your Life, you just don't know it yet. When you get older it gets harder to find a man who wants you to suck his cock, so you have to stay out at the bars later and later."

"Is that why you come home so late sometimes?"

"Brad and I have an open relationship."

"What does that mean?"

"It means I like to have sex with more than one man. Sometimes two strangers at once, even."

"Two at once? How does that even work, mom?"

"Well Amanda, usually it works by you sucking one man's cock while the other has sex with your vagina or asshole."


"And sometimes the man having sex with your asshole will put a large yellow dildo in your vagina at the same time."

"Mom! Really!"

"It's a Big World out there, Amanda, and you're just now setting your foot out the door."

"Mom: how did you get to be so smart?"

"I just usually did the opposite of whatever my Father wanted me to do. And now here I am..."

I am Laslo.

Saturday, January 30, 2016

"Wow! To say you got your Herpes from Megyn Kelly! That would be GREAT!"

"My God! You look just like Megyn Kelly!"

"That's because I AM Megyn Kelly."

"Wow! When I called the Escort Service I asked for a classy-looking blonde, but I never would have expected YOU to show up at my hotel room!"

"Am I not a classy-looking blonde?"

"Oh, you are classy, all right! The classiest! But you already have a real job, as a respected Journalist. I never imagined that you could also be a.. a..."

"A classy-looking blonde escort whore?"


"Being a journalist feeds my intellectual needs, but there is a part of me that just wants to be wanted solely for my looks and my finely-honed sexual abilities."

"I watch your show all the time, and I HAVE wondered about your sexual abilities. You seem very limber."

"That's very kind. It's hard, being a good-looking female broadcaster. Everyone thinks you are just a Bimbo."


"Look, I get it: Fox News may pay me so that THEY can make money on my looks, but when I moonlight as a Whore, I am Free, Free to make my OWN money on my looks, on my OWN terms. I am no longer a News Bimbo, I am an Empowered Entrepreneur. Plus, I just like to suck cock."

"That's sure some smart talk, there."

"Speaking of terms, I start at Five-Hundred for a half-hour, so we might want to get started."

"Do I have to wear a condom?"

"Well, I'm okay without it, but I DO have serious Herpes."

"Wow! To say you got your Herpes from Megyn Kelly! That would be GREAT!"

"Yeah... So tell me what you would like, Dirty Boy."

"Ummm... do you do anal?"

"So you want a 'Bill O'Reilly'?"


"Bill O'Reilly. He's a big anal freak. Everyone at Fox knows that. Dildos, cucumbers: all of it. In fact, most of the men at Fox are anal freaks."

"Even Shepard Smith?"

"No, not him. He's a 'Golden Showers' guy. And, no, I don't do that: but I hear Greta does..."

I am Laslo.

Friday, January 29, 2016

But she kept sucking and sucking, with chipmunk cheeks all puffed and balloony and pimply.

ADDED: Looks like Althouse went and deleted this one...

So: the time when Chelsea Clinton sucked my cock.

She was a teenager, and I was a few years younger.

And then she sucked my cock.

I said "Whoa?"

And she said "My Mother said I should suck the cock of Henry Kissinger's grandson. For the Family."

And I said "I am Laslo SPATULA, not Laslo KISSINGER."

But she kept sucking and sucking, with chipmunk cheeks all puffed and balloony and pimply.

What can I say? Chelsea gives a horrible blow-job on account of her teeth and mouth and personality, but I came anyway.

So she says "Did you like that, Laslo Kissinger?"

And I said, what-the-hell, "Sure."

Then Hillary came into the room and said "Did you like that, Laslo KISSINGER?"

So I said "Yes, Laslo KISSINGER says Chelsea gave a great mediocre teeth-scraping blow-job."

And Hillary said "You fucking Jews."

So I said "What?"

And she said: "Neil Diamond."

I did not know what that meant.

I am Laslo.

He just laughed and kept saying the word "Ma-gen-ta" over and over...

Man, I saw the Airplane live at the Fillmore. Those were days, I tell you. I was stoned and my pal Malibu was on prime LSD, and we argued about what colors were what in the light show. "That's blue but not blue-blue" I said, and he just laughed and kept saying the word "Ma-gen-ta" over and over...

I met Grace Slick once, with that guy from the band that hung with her, Paul-Something, I think. Kept saying he played guitar -- I wasn't really paying attention, if you know what I mean. I tried to talk Grace into a threesome with the Old Lady but she seemed square that way and shut me down. That's OK though: I later heard she actually had a bad case of Pussy Disease, but what Chick in the Sixties didn't...?

Me and my old lady, we ended up having a kid and named her Revolution, because that was what was happening, you know? We kept our heads fed and our ears to the street. Now she just goes by 'Lou ' -- Rev-o-LOU-shun', get it? She's smart, even though she hates the Sixties. We tell her that if it weren't for the Sixties she'd never have been born, and she says if it wasn't for the Sixties her parents wouldn't be such drug-addled losers...

I am Laslo.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

"I saw it in your eyes! You were picturing me sucking your cock!"

"Daddy Issue America": an Excerpt...

"You understand why you are here, Amanda."

"Yes, Principal Moore. I told my English Teacher Mr. Kimble that I wouldn't suck his cock."

"Really? He told me he was concerned about you wearing what might be an inappropriate necklace."

"That too, I guess. I just figured it was probably the cock-sucking part."

"Did Mr. Kimble ask you to -- you know...?"

"It's not like he said 'Suck my cock, Amanda' or something: we were talking about Jailbait and then he looked at me that way."

"What way is that?"

"The way all adult men look at me: like they are picturing my young lips around their cock, and how they want my young lips around their cock. You know: blow-job."

"Thank you for the clarification, Amanda. However, I don't think All men are -- "


"What is it?"

"You just did it! The look!"

"Amanda, I certainly didn't give you any sort of inappropriate look."

"I saw it in your eyes! You were picturing me sucking your cock!"

"That is NOT what happened, Amanda..."

"If you say so, Principal Moore..."

"I don't just say so, i did nothing of the sort."

"That's what they all say..."

"Amanda, I think it's time you went back to class."

"Yes sir, Principal Moore. ....Principal Moore?"

"Yes, Amanda?"

"You're not going to stare at my ass when I leave your office, are you...?"

I am Laslo.