Monday, February 29, 2016

If a black guy is at a computer he better be programming some dope beats, am I right...?

"Thank you all for being here, you all look good, expensive-good.  You know: white-people bling. Some nice spray tans I'm seeing, too, but people: do you go orange to avoid going brown? Is that the deal? If black people start spraying themselves orange will you start giving them a job then...?

Here's the deal, white people. Where the fuck is Will Smith? He had a movie, a serious movie, but I don't see him nominated. You can't even give Will a token Oscar like you did Denzel? He even did an accent -- you white actors are BIG on accents, right? -- that's serious ACTING, real Meryl Streep shit. So Will even does The Accent and you still can't give him any love...?

Look, I'll explain it to you. Will is the black people's Tom Hanks: we root for him in anything he does. And Tom, he gets Oscars for everything, because, well, Tom Hanks is the White People's Tom Hanks. See where I am going with this...?

And what is it with the technical awards? Editing, sound effects, special effects: how is it that everyone who wins these awards is white? Is there not a single brother at a computer making things blow up and shit? I get it: if a black guy is at a computer he better be programming some dope beats, am I right...?

And you're all laughing, like it's not you I am talking about. here's the deal, people: it IS you. None of you are ready to give up your fancy seat to Rosa Parks, not one...

How about we try this: White Hollywood -- Boycott Yourselves. I'm serious: boycott your own asses. Leave the movies alone for a year, you can come back in 2017. Let's let some others make some of the films this year. Will Smith can take on whatever shit Matt Damon was going to do, Forrest Whittaker can take the DeNiro parts -- you feel me...?

I am Laslo.

Sunday, February 28, 2016

"I'm sure we hate the Scottish infidels, too, Amir."


"Yes, Amir?"

"Our cousin Denzel in Verona is being prevented from opening his Kebab Shop!"

"Is it the Jews?"

"Well, it's the Italians, I think, but it is very Jewishy of them."

"Why are they doing such a thing?"

"To protect their Heritage, they say."

"Don't they realize that Kebab Shops are the only thing Westerners like about us Muslim immigrants? They hate us for everything else, but they sure love the Kebabs."

"And the Schwarma."

"Indeed, indeed: the Schwarma, too."

"Is there anything we can do to help him?"

"I was thinking we could bomb a local Pizza Hut as a sign of protest."

"That is GOOD, Farook! But we like to eat take-out from Pizza Hut. And the delivery guy from Domino's is already onto us."

"Then how about we bomb the McDonalds? We don't eat there."

"But they are Scottish, not Italian."

"I'm sure we hate the Scottish infidels, too, Amir."

"No doubt we do, Farook, but I am worried our Statement might get muddled."

"So Pizza Hut it is. Do you have any bombs ready?"


"You still haven't built any bombs, Amir? There is only so much research you can do on anti-Muslim Microaggressions in Western Internet Porn."

"But there is lot there if you know what to look for, Farook. There are hundreds of videos of men fucking women dressed in burkas, for instance."

"Do we take that as an insult or a compliment, Amir?"

"I am not sure. I need to do some more research, then consult with our Cleric."

"So we don't have any bombs. What can we do?"

"We can call Pizza Hut and ask for a female delivery person, then we can grope her when she arrives."

"But they'll know it is us, her coming to our Apartment and all."

"You know, Farook: waging war against the West can be harder than it looks..."

"I know. Perhaps we should get some Shwarma and think about this some more..."

I am Laslo.

"Very good! Kill them with kindness and suck their cocks for flour, that is what I say!"

"The Cocksucking Cocksuckers of Cocksucker Valley."


"Yes, Daughter?"

I think my school teacher doesn't like me too much."

"That's silly, darling. What makes you think that?"

"I think she's mad at me for sucking her husband's cock when I work in town. He's there, waiting for me every Tuesday, with a bag of flour and a special salted taffy for me."


"I know. I shouldn't accept the taffy. I suck cock for the family's well-being, not for anything for myself."

"Exactly. And why is that?"

"Because that would make me a Whore."

"Indeed, Daughter. Anyway,your Teacher should understand that it is just your job, like teaching school is hers."

"That's what I told her."

"And what did she say to that?"

"She told me to shut my cock-sucking face."

"Well, all I can say is: do the best schoolwork that you can do, and she'll have to see the quality of your work, whatever she thinks of you as a person."

"OK, Pa."

"Maybe I can help you. What is your homework for tonight?"

"We have to write an essay."

"We can do that, together. What is the subject?"

"Everyone in class is supposed to write five-hundred words on why they "Hate the Cocksuckers."

"That hardly seems fair."

"I know!"

"It is not like we are Jews or Indians or Chinamen."

"Or Negroes, Dad."

"Indeed, Daughter. We are hard-working people of the Earth, kind and loving to others, and working for our living the only way we know how."

"Pa, do you ever think we'll work for our living by doing something other than sucking cocks?"

"Honey, we are born Cocksuckers, and -- by God -- that is What We Do."

"But maybe I could learn sewing..."

"Daughter, we suck cocks for people to sew for us. Our Way works just fine as it is. Now -- for your essay -- what would be a good opening sentence?"

"Why I am Proud to be a Cocksucker?"

"Very good! Kill them with kindness and suck their cocks for flour, that is what I say!"

"OK, Pa."

"Before we start, though, go and take a rag to your teeth..."

I am Laslo.

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Dream, baby, dream.

Waiting for a President who can make a change in Abortion Law is like waiting for one who will lower the Age of Jail Bait.

Dream, baby, dream.

I am Laslo.

You marry six women, you're not a Hustler, you're a Stupid Bitch, dude...

"Yet Mr. Romney pulled back, instead telling advisers that he would take on Mr. Trump directly."

I've told you and I'll tell you again: it takes a Pimp to beat a Pimp, and Romney is no Pimp, no way...

I mean: First, he's a Mormon. When a Mormon Dude gets six girls in his stable what does he do? He fucking marries all of them, rather than turning them out on the street Pimp-style. You marry six women, you're not a Hustler, you're a Stupid Bitch, dude...

Romney, he might have binders of women but he sure don't have any knowledge of how to handle a damned Ho. Hell, he couldn't even bitch-slap Obama back in the Day. Seriously: put a Dude like Obama in prison and he'd be sucking dick before he even got to his cell...

Me, if I got my hands on Obama I'd turn him out on the street real quick, if I was the type to work with Male Hos. Which I don't: you know I keep the peas and the carrots from touching...

Still, I bet Obama could make a Pimp a lot of money: a bet a lot of Gay Dudes would love having him suck their cock while grabbing onto those ears, you feel me...?
I am Laslo.

Friday, February 26, 2016

"That's why I am holding off on anal sex, Dad."

"Daddy Issue America": an Excerpt...


"Yes, Dad?"

"I really think you need to, well, slow down. You have your entire life ahead of you. You don't need to do everything now..."

"That's why I am holding off on anal sex, Dad."

"Holding off on anal sex...?

"It's a joke, Dad."

"See? That's the problem, Amanda. I can't tell when you're joking, no matter how extreme it is."

"You mean if your Little Girl told you I was holding off on DVDA you would still think it might be true?"

"Yes. I mean -- wait: what is DVDA?"

"Oh, Dad. It's 'Double Vagina, Double Anal'. It is when two guys have both their cocks in your vagina and two guys have both of THEIR cocks in your ass --"

"I get it, Amanda."

"I hope they wouldn't be huge cocks, at least."

"OK, Amanda..."

"I mean: four huge cocks at once: can you picture it? Ew."


"I try not to picture such things. But they ARE on the internet. Sometimes a couple of the guys might even be black."

"I think you can stop there, Amanda."

"I'm not as 'fast' as you may think, Dad."

"That's good, honey. Thank you. I just worry about you..."

"I know. I don't want to be that 'stretched out', either. At least not THIS young...

I am Laslo.

Thursday, February 25, 2016

"Dad, I showed my tits to a boy to get him to write my term paper. You don't want to know about the dildo."

"Daddy Issue America": an Excerpt...

"It is SO good to see you, honey!"

"Yeah Dad. Appleby's?"

"Is there something wrong with Appleby's?"

"Do they have a Vegan Meal?"

"I didn't know, sweetheart: are you a Vegan now?"

"No, Dad: I just like places that take care of everybody, regardless of their individual food needs. Not everything has to be swollen cheese and meat."

"I'm sure they could have a salad..."


"We can go..."

"This is fine. The atmosphere is perfect for a Father and Daughter who barely see each other very much."

"Now, Amanda..."

"It's OK, Dad, really: I know you have the twenty-year-old girlfriend now. She must wear you out."

"She's twenty-TWO...."

"Sure, Dad."

", Honey: how has school been? Have you been doing all right?"

" I got some 'A's and 'B's."

"Ha! I knew if you applied yourself --"

"--Dad, I showed my tits to a boy to get him to write my term paper. You don't want to know about the dildo."


"It's like a dick, but bigger. And plastic-y."

"I know what a dildo is, Amanda..."

"It's not like I was sucking cocks or anything. I know that's what Part-time Fathers worry about: their little girl sucking cocks. Suck suck suck."

"Amanda --"

"Anyway, I already talked to Mom about it. It's all good."

"Honey, I'm worried: not everything your Mother agrees to is necessarily a good thing..."

"She told me you would say that."

"Maybe we should talk about something else..."

"Well, we've covered tits, cocks and dildos: what do YOU want to talk about?"

"Sometimes you remind me so much of your Mother..."

"Mom told me you would say that, too..."

I am Laslo.