Saturday, December 31, 2016

THIS is how Life is: a giant cock forced down your throat, farther than it ever should decently go.

Sketchy Guy Who Works at the Adult Bookstore says:

Every day I see people with no Purpose and no Happiness. Society dangles its various baubles in front of them, but just always out of reach. Porn is not theirs for a brief moment of Happiness: it is their way to say I Exist: these people, in these films, they are doing this for ME. I give THEM Purpose…

You can tell where people are at on their Slow Descent by the amount of Anger in the Porn they choose. Simple sex with smiling women mostly devoid of tattoos: the man has not completely given up Hope. Hell, these could be College Girls, on a lark. All Good Fun. Perhaps something could Change for these men, just maybe…

Then comes the tattooed girls with the scared eyes and the sloppy deep-throat gagging: Change, it ain’t coming for them. THIS is how Life is: a giant cock forced down your throat, farther than it ever should decently go. The man can watch this, and for a brief moment, feel HE is the one with the relentless cock: he is the one forcing it deep into another’s throat. This is not Happiness or Purpose, this is a temporary relief from Anguish, a relief that ends as soon as the used Kleenex is being thrown away…

Then there are the ‘rape fantasies’ and the ‘gang-bangs’: abandon Hope Ye Who Watch This. Though they probably do not recognize it as such, these men have entered Existentialist defeat: the World IS an endless series of cocks forced into every orifice, the World Is a Face pushed down hard into a stained pillow…

I see this, and I ring them up. When I don’t see them anymore it is generally one of two things: they have died a lonely death, or they are at home on the Internet, searching out even harder and harder shit, and vaguely worried about the FBI finally coming to their door…

Making these transactions does not give me Happiness or Purpose: it just gives me the money necessary to stay out of Prison — which is Purpose enough for me. As far as Happiness: there is almost always a woman at the bar at the end of the night who is fascinated by the ex-con bad boy allure. And while our night together isn’t True Happiness, it will do until Change comes…

There is a reason why I tell customers the bathroom is Out of Order...


I am Laslo.


https://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/12/but-meaning-isnt-something-you-either.html

Friday, December 30, 2016

Eddie Klemp, The White Devil…

"I'm Eddie Klemp, and I'm White. And, sometimes, I AM The White Devil.

Mr. Black Auto Driver: remember how you were tailgating me on the freeway? Remember how I tapped my brakes? Remember how you swerved all over the place to avoid a collision because you did not leave enough room for safe driving?

I, The White Devil, did that.

Mr. Black Street Crosser: remember how you were crossing the intersection at night against the traffic light? Remember how I honked at you to watch out? Remember how you flipped me off?

I, The White Devil, did that.

Ms. Black Grocery Shopper: remember when I was behind you and you had over twenty items in the 'Ten-items-or-less lane', and I didn't say anything? Remember how you shot me a nasty look anyway? Remember how I smiled at the white cashier with mutual understanding?

I, The White Devil, did that.

Mr. Black Dog Walker, remember how you walked your dog and let it shit on my lawn? Remember how I gave you a plastic bag and told you to pick that shit up? Remember how you grudgingly did so, but then walked away cursing?

I, The White Devil, did that.

Ms. Black Pedestrian: remember how you bumped into me on the sidewalk because you were watching your phone rather than where you were walking? Remember how you dropped your phone on the cement and then bitched about the screen getting cracked?

I, The White Devil, did that.



I am The White Devil, and I did that to you…


I am Laslo.



https://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/12/the-devil-iz-white-men-said-graffiti.html



Thursday, December 29, 2016

"When I was a young man, Carrie Fisher was Jail Bait. After awhile I was simply eleven years older than her.”

Other Deleted Tweets by Steve Martin…

"When I was a young man, Carrie Fisher was a very beautiful woman. As she got older she was witty and bright as well, and I didn’t want to fuck her as much.”

"When I was a young man, Carrie Fisher was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. But I mainly fucked street-hookers.”

"When I was a young man, Carrie Fisher was Jail Bait. After awhile I was simply eleven years older than her.”

"When I was a young man, Carrie Fisher was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. By ‘creature’ I mean ‘Fuck Monster’.”

"When I was a young man, Carrie Fisher was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. I also fucked Mark Hamill. Not really something to brag about, to be honest.”

"When I was a young man, Carrie Fisher was witty and bright. I preferred stupid nasty blondes with big tits, myself.”

"When I was a young man, Carrie Fisher was known for her blowjobs. As she got older other younger women were known for THEIR blowjobs. I’m looking at you, Emma Stone.”

“Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds, both dead. When I die I hope that there are Threesomes in Heaven. And that Debbie does Anal.”



I am Laslo.


Wednesday, December 28, 2016

“You have not seen the things I have seen. Overdosed transvestites, mutilated Drag Queens, strangled whores. I’m not saying I’m a misogynist, but in my line of work it helps.”

“Cher, it is time for you to come with me.”

“Oh dear God, are you Death?”

“Indeed I am: hence the scythe. It is Time.”

“But I’ve invested so much in trying to hold back the ravages of time…”

“Alas, all the plastic surgery in the world does not prevent me from my grave duty.”

“Surely you could go and take someone else. Why don’t you take, say, Madonna, instead? It could be HER time, right?”

”I have worked up quite the spectacular end for Madonna, but now is not the time.”

“You mean I’m going to miss seeing it? Damn! That makes all of this even worse.”

“Let’s just say you’ll be watching from another viewpoint.”

“Can you just give me a hint? Does she die in a fire? Does she get decapitated by a crazed Puerto Rican back-up dancer?”

“All in due time, my Cher.”

“But if I die the Gay Community will be crushed…”

“They’ll get along. They still have Johnny Depp. For now.”

“Johnny Depp is gay?”

“If you mean does he have anonymous men fuck him in the ass in the back of seedy nightclubs, then the answer is Yes.”

“You know, I always kinda suspected that. So when does Johnny die?”

“Not for awhile yet. First he gets fat. Like Marlon Brando fat. I have quite the downward spiral planned. It may or may not involve small boys.”

“Well, at least I will see my beloved Sonny again.”

“I’m afraid Sonny wants nothing to do with you in the Afterlife. He resents you for encouraging his daughter in becoming a man.”

“But it is what Chaz wanted.”

“Perhaps. But this I must tell you: she was born a woman, and I will greet her as a woman in Death. Everything in-between means nothing to me.”

“That’s being pretty intolerant, Death…”

“You have not seen the things I have seen. Overdosed transvestites, mutilated Drag Queens, strangled whores. I’m not saying I’m a misogynist, but in my line of work it helps.”

“Okay, okay: take me. I am ready.”

“Good. Now what I need you to do is get in a car with Madonna…”



I am Laslo.


Tuesday, December 27, 2016

How many life-size sex dolls are anally ‘raped’ against their will?

Thinking about people shooting inanimate objects:

They now have fairly realistic life-size sex dolls (not robots, yet), and I would assume, by now, SOMEONE has shot one.

Did the reality get too close, and insecurities and impotence led to angry tears and a violent outburst?

Did the life-size sex doll stand in as a representation of someone real that the person knew, that had perhaps crushed him emotionally or through jealousy, and the tragedy he dreamed of enacting was allowed to play out in a safer matter?

Did the owner have barely-repressed violent tendencies towards women, and used the violence against the life-size sex doll as a way to alleviate the urge?

How many life-size sex dolls are ‘drowned’ in the bath tub?

How many life-size sex dolls are ‘strangled’ by pantyhose?

How many life-size sex dolls are ’suffocated’ by a pillow in the act of sex, over and over and over again?

How many life-size sex dolls are anally ‘raped’ against their will?

Can it be objectifying a woman if the woman is already an object?

Can an ‘injured’ life-size sex doll be used in court to show a tendency towards violence?

If this was the subject of a documentary would you shoot the television?



I am Laslo.


Monday, December 26, 2016

“I kinda like that one, Bob, but we probably need to be more inclusive.”

At the Advertising Agency…

“People, Saudi Arabia has hired us to come up with a new Official Slogan for their country. Let’s start with some brainstorming, okay…”

“This one’s easy.”

Go ahead, James.”

“Saudi Arabia: Die, Jews, Die.”

“I LIKE the rhythm, James, but I’m thinking we need to go more positive, people.”

“Okay: then how about “Saudi Arabia: Jew-Free, Always”?”

“Ralph, that IS a step in the right direction, but let’s think wider, people.”

“Just brainstorming with this, but how about “Saudi Arabia: No Woman Drivers Here”?”

“I kinda like that one, Bob, but we probably need to be more inclusive.”

“Inclusive?”

“Yeah. But in a way that doesn’t include gays, modern women or other religions.”

I got one — and it already has a song to go with it!”

“I’m feeling excited now, Frank: tell me.”

“Saudi Arabia: Whip It Good”.”

“Uh…it might be hard to get the song rights on this one, Frank, but I like your holistic approach.”

“Man, this is fucked up, Trevor. I mean, Saudi Arabia? And we’re supposed to find something good to say? I mean, how about “Saudi Arabia: We’re A Shit Hole, But We’re A Rich Shit Hole”?”

I understand your frustration, Nate, but this is our JOB: we are Professionals. Again, people: we want positive, okay?”

“I got it!, Trevor!”

“Yes, Alan?’

“How about “Saudi Arabia: Praise Allah, We Have Oil”?”

“Frankly, I think that’s as good as were going to get today. Good work, people, and wish us luck on landing that Iran Slogan contract…”



I am Laslo.



Sunday, December 25, 2016

“Maybe you can write about how the bitter clingers are the new Pharisees?”

“Merry Christmas, Michelle.”

“Merry Christmas to you, Barack.”

“Michelle…?”

“Yes, Barack?”

“Do you think that, in the future, they’ll celebrate my birthday like this? Because I can see that happening.”

“Barack, people love you. You inspire them, and have given them Hope. That’s as good as Jesus, in my book. Maybe better: Jesus didn’t have to deal with the Republicans.”

“Maybe I should write a book, like the Bible, but more Progressive? Obama’s New Testament?”

“That sounds like a wonderful idea, Obama. I bet we will get a GREAT book deal.”

“I can include Scriptures about Diversity and Social Justice. Make it more up to date.”

“Blessed are the Transvestites, maybe?”

“I think I’ll just stick with Gay. Leave it open to interpretation.”

“Good thinking, Barack. You don’t want to box yourself in.”

“The tough part is that Jesus died in the end. It’s hard to top that.”

“Barack, you have spent your time on the Cross for the last eight years. After the Presidency you will be resurrected to an even higher plane.”

“That’s good! I can use that…”

“Maybe you can write about how the bitter clingers are the new Pharisees?”

“You ARE brilliant, Michelle.”

“And I can be like Mary Magdalene, only empowered and equal.”

“I like the ‘empowered’ part, but the ‘equal’ part might be too confusing to people. Maybe I’ll save that for my New Revised Testament.”

“A series of Testaments: I like that. Keeps things fresh.”

“I’m liking this idea. I can embody all the things people wanted Jesus to be, but found him too judgmental.”

“”It’s like you will be the People’s Jesus.”

“Yeah. Have the Pope suck on THAT one…”



I am Laslo.



People ask me, they say ‘Humlaut, how can you always be so Fabulous…?

Humlaut LeBlanc, Fashion Icon of Fabulous…

People ask me, they say ‘Humlaut, how can you always be so Fabulous…? 

It is a gift, a gift from God, really. I feel grateful to have been chosen for this gift. As the two lightning bolts of my logo suggest, I believe in the divine strikes of Inspiration and Fabulous…

But it is not enough to just sit and wait for Inspiration: you must work to put yourself in the position where you are most open to Fabulous: Fabulous follows hard work….

That is why I inscribe my motto on every garment and product I produce:

“Work Sets You Free”

I believe that says it all, right…?


I am Humlaut LeBlanc, and I Believe in Fabulous…



I am Laslo.



https://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/12/was-queen-elizabeth-hotconfirm-she-was.html

Saturday, December 24, 2016

What is the point of making a perfume, if it is Not To Die For?

Humlaut LeBlanc, Fashion Icon of Fabulous…

Fragrance is an essential part of Fabulous, and now I make my contribution with my new Eau de Cologne ‘Humlaut B’…

I declare that flowery perfumes are so passé : instead, I have chosen to go boldly with the subtle scent of bitter almonds, and it is, indeed, Fabulous…

What is the point of making a perfume, if it is Not To Die For? And it is not just available as a Fabulous Eau de Cologne — no, it also comes in a Shower Spray…

You will recognize it at your finer stores by my Fabulous emblem: two lightning bolts side by side, symbolizing the synchronicity of the strikes of Inspiration and Fabulous…

And, of course, Fragrance is Important for men, too. That is why I am introducing the companion cologne “Zycklon Boy”. I wish I could take credit for the name, but it was suggested by one of my Arab assistants: Fabulous can come from anywhere…!

I am Humlaut LeBlanc, and I Believe in Fabulous…



I am Laslo.


I have heard that Jesus said the poor will always be among us, and that they will be wearing drab clothes: who am I to believe differently…?

Humlaut LeBlanc, Fashion Icon of Fabulous…

I do not know of politics: I only know Fabulous. I see a simple piece of cloth, and I alone can see the Fabulous it can be: I can see the Fabulous where others only see boring utility and function…

It is a Good Thing that those who can appreciate Fine Fashion are also the only ones who can afford it: I have heard that Jesus said the poor will always be among us, and that they will be wearing drab clothes: who am I to believe differently…?

My New Line of Fashion celebrates the Fabulousness of the Stripe: simple black stripes on simple white fabric, an old idea made New by my discerning eye…

Some may say, Humlaut, how can simple black stripes on white be Fabulous? It is my attention to Detail that makes the difference. To the white fabric with black stripes I have added a little yellow star, a remarkable flower of color against the stark background…

A simple star? Some might say anyone can do that. And others might, but they would no doubt use the patriotic Hilfiger cliche of the five-point star, like on the American flag. No: Humlaut’s Fabulous Yellow Star has SIX points…

And Fabulous cannot just stop at design: no, there needs to be Fabulous in presentation. For the Fashion Runway I wanted nothing to detract from the Fabulousness of the Clothes, so I had the models shave their heads: there was a standing ovation…!

I am Humlaut LeBlanc, and I Believe in Fabulous…



I am Laslo.


Well, I went over to the ex-girlfriend's apartment that Christmas Eve and said — Ha Ha — I was The Ghost of Boyfriends Past, but she didn't find it funny.

Dude with Seven Restraining Orders says…

I once spent Christmas in jail.

I had an old girlfriend where things went kinda crazy at the end. Actually, most of my relationships ended this way, but this girl never pulled a gun on me or caused a scene at Denny’s that required the Police, so I still had warm feelings…

So it was Christmas Eve: I had the Holiday Spirit and was drunk on Holiday Feelings, and, well, drunk pretty much the normal alcoholic way, too, so I thought maybe I could surprise her and we could kick it over some Hennessy's, maybe I could come down her chimney. That was an anal sex joke, in case you didn’t get it, I’m funny like that…

Well, I went over to the ex-girlfriend's apartment that Christmas Eve and said — Ha Ha — I was The Ghost of Boyfriends Past, but she didn't find it funny. Me, I thought it was funny: I think SHE was just being a bitch, really. Made me kinda remember why I got rid of her in the first place — I mean, after she had her lawyer dump me…

As I stood there she tried to close the door on me, but I got my foot in and stopped it. Then, when I forced my way in, I see she's wearing a sexy Santa’s Helper outfit: you know, the pushed-up tits and the red panties that climb up the ass cheeks, and I’m thinking, boy, have I got a candy cane for HER…

Then I see she’s got a boyfriend in there. Real limp dude, he’s saying I should just leave, now, but I start laughing because his voice is breaking like a bitch. Who’s the Elf? I ask her, but she is telling me to leave, too. I notice that there are packages of condoms on the coffee table, and I’m thinking Shit, she makes the guys were those damn things now. Except then I remember that I might have given her herpes, so maybe she’s a bit cautious: sounds like the cow has already left that barn, if you ask me…

Anyway, it turns out the neighbors called the cops, and the Police arrive and put me in handcuffs, and I end up spending Christmas Eve and Christmas in jail. It is so unfair that it should be illegal: can I help it if most of my friends are deadbeats that can’t afford to post bail…?

Then there was the time on New Year’s Eve, but maybe I’ll tell you that story later…

And, yes, I did put a pubic hair on that one girl's Starbucks cup, but the person who says they saw me do it is lying...

I am Laslo.


Friday, December 23, 2016

“Tarnation, you is a negative goose! I LIKE being black! It’s like I don’ts have a care in the world!”

Excerpt from "Black Blood, Black Seed":

“Why hellooo dere, Benjamin."

“Miss Christina, what is that on your face?”

“Onna my face, Benjamin? Jezz de black skin the good God gave me. Imma is darker than a coal mine in a monkey’s ass.”

“That’s charcoal on your face, Miss Christina. Are you all right?”

“Us darkies, we is always alright, Benjamin. You wanna see me dance a knee-slapping’ real Negro dance? I’ll dance like a dang skinny chicken, all a-scratchin’ and-a peckin’.”

“Please, stop that, Miss Christina. Why are you trying to act all colored?”

“I’ze don’t know what you mean, Benjamin. Dis’ is the way ALL us darkies act.”

“You’re embarrassing yourself, Miss Christina. Please tell me why you are acting so peculiar?”

“My instructor at College is having us all pretend we are black, so that we can better understand the conditions of the black man.”

“I guess she means well, your Professor, but acting that way ain’t gonna make you understand us black folk any better.”

“Tarnation, you is a negative goose! I LIKE being black! It’s like I don’ts have a care in the world!”

“Respectfully, Miss Christina, I don’t think you really understand…”

“What’s to understand, Benjamin? I jezz acts like I’m not as smarts as a white person an’ it all comes natural-like. Heck, anyones can do it!”

“Is that how you really see us, Miss Christina? Is that how you see ME?”

“Heavens no, Benjamin: you are a special one. Indeed: you’re almost as smart as any white person.”

“Miss Christina, I don’t think any good will come of this…”

“But I’ze is havin’ fun bein’ a darkie! Look: Imma walkin’ around barefoot ‘cause I ain’t got any shoes!”

“Your feet are WHITE, Miss Christina.”

“Oh, that. I guess that kind of ruins it, doesn’t it, Benjamin?”

“Being black isn’t fun and games, Miss Christina. We face hardships every day, just because of the color of our skin.”

“Maybe I jezz ain’t bein’ black enough. You wants to eats some watermelon wit’ me?”

“Miss Christina, I think you should just go home and wash your face…”

“Do you wish you could do that, Benjamin? I mean, do you wish you could wash the black off of your skin?”

“No, Miss Christina. I accept what the Lord has give me, and I find my blessings where I can.”

“You wouldn’t rather be white? I’ll never understand you black people…”

“No, Miss Christina: I don’t think you ever will…”



I am Laslo.


http://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/12/an-off-campus-event-that-small-number.html

"We’ve already cast the girls. Big breasts, all of them. Like BIG-big. We’re filming that later.”


“About this topless scene…”

“We’ll film it very tastefully, Emma. We’ll make sure you won’t look fat, if that is what you’re worried about.”

“Fat? No: it’s just that in the script I’m wearing a bra…”

“We need this for character development, Emma: it’s essential.”

“And I’m not sure about my line: ‘Are my breasts big enough for you?’”

“It shows your vulnerability, Emma. You have been jealous of all the cowgirls that hang on Derek having big breasts.”

“I am?”

“Yeah, we added that to the script. We’ve already cast the girls. Big breasts, all of them. Like BIG-big. We’re filming that later.”

“But I am confident about my breasts…”

“So the nude scene should be fine. Now: Derek has a new line that follows yours…”

“And what is that?”

“You say ‘Are my breasts big enough for you?’ And then HE says “It’s okay, babe: where I come from in Texas the land is flat, too…”

“I don’t think I like that line…”

“It works great in context. Reminds people he is from Texas: you know — story development.”

Then how about I say “You ride rodeo, you then better be hung like a horse.”

“Nah, that doesn’t work.”

“It doesn’t work? It reminds people he’s a rodeo rider, right?”

“You can’t make fun of the male lead’s penis size, Emma: all the men in the audience will then hate you.”

“What? They can’t handle a little joke?”

“You can sometimes get away with saying that about the male lead’s goofy best friend, but this movie needs to be about more than dick jokes.”

“"I hesitate to make this about being a woman, but it seems that this all is written from the male point-of-view.”

“Well, men laugh louder. That’s important in an audience.”

“I’m really not feeling good about this scene.”

“Like I said, Emma: we’ll make sure you won’t look fat, if that is what you’re worried about…”



I am Laslo.



“THAT’S funny, Emma. But that sounds more like something your slutty friend Beth would say. I see Beth saying that.”

Trouble on the Set…

“This line, it doesn’t work. What if I said ‘I’d rather be ass-raped by a Norwegian’ instead?”

“Sure, Emma, that’s funny. But I don’t think that’s something your character would actually say.”

“What do you mean? I’ve spent a lot of effort on my character’s back-story. She has a fear of Norwegians stemming from an unfortunate lutefisk incident in her youth.”

‘That’s good, Emma, that’s good, but I don’t think the audience will get that connection. It sounds more like something your co-star Derek would say.”

“Derek? Really?”

“Yes, Emma. I think most people don’t find women getting ass-raped funny, but a man getting ass-raped: THAT’S comedy.”

“But Derek doesn’t fear Norwegians. It makes no sense.”

“Yeah, we might have to change the line a bit. Maybe ‘I’d rather be ass-raped by a rodeo clown.’ He DOES play a rodeo rider.”

“So you’re giving my line to Derek?”

“It’s just a line, Emma. And I think I’m going to change ‘ass-raped’ to ‘butt-raped’: I think that’s funnier. ‘Butt-rape’ sounds less threatening than ‘ass-rape’.”

“Okay: so what if after Derek says ‘he’d rather be butt-raped by a rodeo clown’ I then say “Can I watch you get butt-raped by the rodeo clown?”

“THAT’S funny, Emma. But that sounds more like something your slutty friend Beth would say. I see Beth saying that.”

“Beth? Really?”

“Yeah. And I think it would work better for Beth just to say “Can I watch?” Quicker and to the point.”

“I hesitate to make this about being a woman, but I feel you are taking my lines away from me.”

“Emma, a funny line is funniest when it is said by the right character. We are all a team here.”

“Okay, okay: I’ll be team player.”

“Good, Emma, good! Now this next scene is the one where you are topless…”



I am Laslo.