“Cher, it is time for you to come with me.”
“Oh dear God, are you Death?”
“Indeed I am: hence the scythe. It is Time.”
“But I’ve invested so much in trying to hold back the ravages of time…”
“Alas, all the plastic surgery in the world does not prevent me from my grave duty.”
“Surely you could go and take someone else. Why don’t you take, say, Madonna, instead? It could be HER time, right?”
”I have worked up quite the spectacular end for Madonna, but now is not the time.”
“You mean I’m going to miss seeing it? Damn! That makes all of this even worse.”
“Let’s just say you’ll be watching from another viewpoint.”
“Can you just give me a hint? Does she die in a fire? Does she get decapitated by a crazed Puerto Rican back-up dancer?”
“All in due time, my Cher.”
“But if I die the Gay Community will be crushed…”
“They’ll get along. They still have Johnny Depp. For now.”
“Johnny Depp is gay?”
“If you mean does he have anonymous men fuck him in the ass in the back of seedy nightclubs, then the answer is Yes.”
“You know, I always kinda suspected that. So when does Johnny die?”
“Not for awhile yet. First he gets fat. Like Marlon Brando fat. I have quite the downward spiral planned. It may or may not involve small boys.”
“Well, at least I will see my beloved Sonny again.”
“I’m afraid Sonny wants nothing to do with you in the Afterlife. He resents you for encouraging his daughter in becoming a man.”
“But it is what Chaz wanted.”
“Perhaps. But this I must tell you: she was born a woman, and I will greet her as a woman in Death. Everything in-between means nothing to me.”
“That’s being pretty intolerant, Death…”
“You have not seen the things I have seen. Overdosed transvestites, mutilated Drag Queens, strangled whores. I’m not saying I’m a misogynist, but in my line of work it helps.”
“Okay, okay: take me. I am ready.”
“Good. Now what I need you to do is get in a car with Madonna…”
I am Laslo.
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