Make America Great Again? How about Make My Asshole Great Again, okay...?

""Prostitutes: Senate health care bill will devastate us." Prostitutes!"

Angry Hooker With No Health Care says...

What is wrong with you people? What the Hell am I supposed to do without Government Health Care? You think my Pimp offers insurance benefits? You think my chlamydia is going to cure itself...?

Sure, I can go to the drug store and buy Monistat® 7, but that over-the-counter shit don't work a damn on my yeast infections anymore! I get the yeast infections REAL bad, people! Trust me, you DO NOT want me sitting on your bus seat before you, I tell you that...

Without Health Care I can't get my anal fissures fixed, much less my anus bleached! No one wants a hooker that doesn't bleach her anus anymore! Make America Great Again? How about Make My Asshole Great Again, okay...?

Is that what you want, America? You want prostitutes with swampy-ass vagina infections and ugly stained assholes? Hell, I won't even get into the costs of the vaginal reconstructive surgery I'm gonna need in a few years...!

All I'm gonna say, America, is -- when all your men are walking around with their dicks about to fall off -- don't blame me: my vagina is getting RIPE...!

And -- while we're at it -- can't we get the Government to fucking cure Herpes? This Herpes Shit HURTS...!

I am Laslo.

https://althouse.blogspot.com/2017/06/word-that-does-not-appear-on-front-page.html

Some people have mouths that are only meant for sucking cocks at bus stations....

Domitian‎, the Proud Sexy Gay Commenter says...

I think morning blow-jobs are best. I mean, getting my Horse Cock sucked by a hot brown man who barely speaks English is great at any time of day, but in the morning I find my ejaculatory power is at it's prime -- when I shoot my load I can practically hit the ceiling, and my condo has high ceilings, natch....

The problem is finding the hot brown men in the morning: it's not like I'm going to let them stay over at the condo from the night before: Ew...

You can sometimes find them at the coffee shops, reading their laptops, but it is harder to get them into cock-sucking this early in the morning: it's like that is their time when they are most reticent about sucking a man's cock -- like, maybe they're emailing their mother back home, and Mother Does Not Like Son Having The Gay Sex...

It's best to find someone who just finished a night shift: night shift work means they're poor, and I've found that the poor usually give better blow-jobs, they're not thinking so much...

The problem is that, by the end of their shift, their breath is pretty bad -- some of the things these people eat!! -- and having some guy with bad breath sucking your Horse Cock can kill the moment: I don't want my cock smelling like lamb shawarma when we're done, thank you...  

But I keep spare toothbrushes in the condo so they can clean themselves up before they get near my cock. Of course, if they have REALLY bad teeth I'm not letting them anywhere near my condo -- some people have mouths that are only meant for sucking cocks at bus stations....

Bye, everyone! Suck suck!

I am Laslo.

https://althouse.blogspot.com/2017/06/meade-says-that-morning-posts-and.html

Laslo Films presents "Restraining Order!"

Laslo Films presents "Restraining Order!"

"Restraining Order!"

Tucker gets a visit from his Probation Officer.

The capriciousness of the Legal System is exposed.

One Man, caught in the Gears of The System... Because of a Woman.

I am Laslo.

I can tell you, it is tough when the Thetans urge you, saying 'don't you want to suck that cock, Tom? Don't you want to suck that cock...?"

The heterosexual Scientologist Tom Cruise speaks...

You'll find this hard to believe, but I, the heterosexual Scientologist Tom Cruise, once struggled with homosexual urges. Yes, me, the heterosexual Scientologist Tom Cruise....

Then I learned about L. Ron Hubbard's Tone Scale. Sexual perversion, a category in which he included homosexuality, was termed "covert hostility" and given a score of 1.1, "the level of the pervert, the hypocrite, the turncoat, ...the subversive." I, the heterosexual Scientologist Tom Cruise, realized that I did not want to be THAT guy...

Once I realized these urges came from unwanted body Thetans, I, the heterosexual Scientologist Tom Cruise, knew I had only one option: to Audit these Gay Urges Thetans out of my body... 

I can tell you, it wasn't easy: I,  the heterosexual Scientologist Tom Cruise, would be holding the cans of the E-Meter while my Auditor showed me Gay Porn, and the E-Meter doesn't lie: my body Thetans were reacting positively to the scenes of muscular men fucking other muscular men in the ass and sucking each other's throbbing cocks...

But my Will is Strong, and only stronger through Scientology. I,  the heterosexual Scientologist Tom Cruise, conquered the Gay Body Thetans, and am proud of my Heterosexuality...

Sure, sometimes there are setbacks, even for me,  the heterosexual Scientologist Tom Cruise: in Hollywood there are a LOT of handsome Gay Men, and I can feel the Thetans try to again gain entrance into my being. I can tell you, it is tough when the Thetans urge you, saying 'don't you want to suck that cock, Tom? Don't you want to suck that cock...?"

But I know THAT is the time when Auditing is most important: BEFORE I start masturbating to Gay Porn in the middle of a sleepless night...

With Auditing -- and the Spiritual Guidance of LRH -- I,  the heterosexual Scientologist Tom Cruise, stay ahead of these Gay Thetans That Desire Cock...

I am the heterosexual Scientologist Tom Cruise. I am OT VII. And Not Gay.

I am Laslo.

https://althouse.blogspot.com/2017/06/mendota-and-museum.html

Anyway, Yoko has that piano, now: if it;s THAT important just let Yoko sing it…

From the John Lennon Diaries….

September 19, 2001

I’m still in shock about the attacks: the world IS this broken. This is MY NYC, and I still smell the ashes…

They keep trying to get me to participate in a Memorial Charity Concert. I think I’m too old: it’s just pop music. It doesn’t change the world anymore. It never really did…

Of course, they all want me there to sing “Imagine.” Sorry, loves, but I don’t quite believe that way anymore. I meant well, but I’m not immune to the cries of hypocrisy that have been thrown my way. Anyway, Yoko has that piano, now: if it;s THAT important just let Yoko sing it…

I LIKE my life. I’ve been lucky, and I’ve worked my fooking ass off. I live behind doormen and assistants and bodyguards. I know there are people who will try to kill you for no real reason at all. Now people knock down buildings: ‘Imagine’ was dream from a dreamer. Guess what folks? I woke up years ago…

Everyone still wants Peace-and-Love-Lennon. I should say, all the older folks want that. The young don’t care what I say, and why should they? Let someone young carry the burden now…

Meanwhile, my City has been attacked. MY City. Excuse me if I’m not expecting ‘A brotherhood of man sharing all the world; anytime soon...

I never thought I’d say it, but I think we need a little less “Imagine” and a bit more of Paul’s song right now…

“When you were young and your heart
Was an open book
You used to say live and let live
(You know you did)
(You know you did)
(You know you did)
But if this ever changin' world
In which we live in
Makes you give in and cry
Say live and let die
Live and let die”

I am Laslo.

https://althouse.blogspot.com/2017/06/ringo-fidgeted-at-back-of-room-george.html

It’s coming on thirty years since the divorce, and yet she still keeps yapping to the press about ‘her days with John..."

From the John Lennon Diaries….

June 24, 2017

Fifty years since “All You Need Is Love”: I’m not sure I even remember that guy as being me. Naive, wasn’t I? A lot has changed since December 8, 1980…

People say I was lucky to survive, and I guess I was. But I still remember that look on Yoko’s face when I came out of the coma: it was like she was disappointed I came back. I think she was looking forward to the role of the Grieving Widow — and the money — and I kinda ruined that by living…

It’s coming on thirty years since the divorce, and yet she still keeps yapping to the press about ‘her days with John.” Sorry, dear: those days are over. Yeah, I fucked Stevie Nicks, but the truth is, we had drifted apart for a long time before that…

Thirty years, and Sean still won’t talk to me, but he DOES cash the checks I send him on his birthday. Yoko traded controlling one Lennon for another, but I still hope he’ll come round…

Paul called the other day: Ringo is short on money again, and wants us to do another tour like we did in 2000. You know, it was a lot more fun than I expected it to be — sometimes my cynicism makes me trip over my own feet, I realize that…

No one listens to my new stuff anymore. Sure, the reggae album was shit, but I’m an artist: I feel I still have something to contribute. But the kids today don’t give a damn about me — I’m just some old fuck he still patters along. Damn: I never cared much for the song, but hell if Paul didn’t see it coming:

Lift up your hearts and sing me a song
That was a hit before your mother was born
Though she was born a long long time ago
Your mother should know / your mother should know.


I am Laslo.


https://althouse.blogspot.com/2017/06/ringo-fidgeted-at-back-of-room-george.html

He wore an embroidered Versace T-shirt -- those things cost over a thousand dollars!

Domitian‎, the Proud Sexy Gay Commenter says...

While walking at the park I met a guy who said he was a Political Consultant. He wore an embroidered Versace T-shirt -- those things cost over a thousand dollars! -- and he was incredibly fit, muscular but not that freaky muscular some guys get...

He told me about his job, which I didn't really pay much attention to: I'm not big into politics, but it seemed like most of his job was getting people to contribute money, and he seemed pretty fabulous doing it...

I brought him back to the condo and he proceeded to suck my Horse Cock. He was pretty good at it, too, but his damned iPhone kept going off: he'd stop sucking my cock, read his text and reply, then go back to sucking my Cock...

After, like, the fifth time I asked him to shut the phone off and just suck my Cock, but he said he needed to be connected at all times, otherwise he might miss out on Big Money...

So he sucked and texted, sucked and texted, and I was getting pissed off, so when I shot my load I sprayed it all over his thousand-dollar embroidered T-Shirt: good luck at the dry-cleaners with THAT...

He didn't seem that upset, though: he was already back to texting, with my jizz dripping down on his Diesel jeans. We said good-bye, and he left, his fingers clicking madly at his phone. I get it, people, but is it too much to ask that when someone is sucking your cock that they actually pay attention to sucking your cock...?

Bye, everyone! Suck suck!

I am Laslo.

https://althouse.blogspot.com/2017/06/what-will-become-of-money-in-politics.html

Laslo Films Presents "What Lola Left Behind!"

Laslo Films Presents "What Lola Left Behind!"

"What Lola Left Behind!"

Tucker has a visit from Fred, his step-father.

A Missing Item is Returned.

A Harrowing Story is Told.

I am Laslo.

Look: I don't want Trump to suck my cock. But that's about as far as I want to talk about it, okay...?

Domitian‎, the Proud Sexy Gay Commenter says...

The political scene now has made it tougher to be Gay...

Like, I'm not interested in politics, right? I'd rather talk about Interior Decoration any day of the week. But now, you meet some guy who you want to suck your cock, and inevitably he starts going on about how evil Trump and the Republicans are...

Look: I don't want Trump to suck my cock. But that's about as far as I want to talk about it, okay...?

I took to my condo an educated British guy -- I love the accent! -- and he started sucking my Horse Cock -- and sucking it very well, too. But then he stops sucking, and starts going on about how evil the Right is. Dude: shut up and keep sucking my Cock, okay? And he's British, he's not even American...

So, after his diatribe, he resumes sucking my Cock, but his attitude has changed, and now his Cock-Sucking is perfunctory -- Passive-Aggressive Cock-Sucking is the worst...!

So I finally shoot my load, and after he swallows he starts talking about Trump again! The guy acts like he's practically a Lesbian...!

I finally get him out of the condo and take a shower. You know, this is why I like the Brown and Hot types who barely spoke English -- the only language needed to be understood is The Language Of The Cock...

Bye, everyone! Suck suck!

I am Laslo.

https://althouse.blogspot.com/2017/06/the-media-climate-now-in-both-news-and.html

It was okay, though: it WAS his first time, I told him he'd get better at it, honest.

Domitian‎, the Proud Sexy Gay Commenter says...

I was walking home across the bridge after a pathetic party -- a bunch of amped Tops drinking Gin-and-Tonics and bitching that there were no Bottoms there -- when I came across a despondent guy at the railing: despondent and HOT...

He was Brown and Hot and barely spoke English, which I like, but was muttering something about killing himself. Hey, I told him, it's a Saturday Night and I haven't even shot my load, and yet you don't hear ME talking about killing myself: it all gets better, you just have to hang in there...

He looked at me with big brown eyes to die for and said he was afraid he was Gay, and that his family wouldn't understand: it was very cute in an 'are we still in the Eighties?' kind of way...

I told him it was nothing to be ashamed about, and it turns out his family wasn't even IN America, anyway...

So I took him back to my condo, and he could barely fit his lips around my Magnificent Horse Cock. It was okay, though: it WAS his first time, I told him he'd get better at it, honest. And he was a bit startled when I came prodigiously: he choked for a moment, and then said it tasted like Pinolillo...

Afterward, I gave him money for a taxi and made him promise me he wouldn't kill himself today. He agreed, and then asked when he would see me again: he WAS new, and I told him gently we wouldn't be seeing each other anytime soon, I like my Horse Cock sucked by Guys who know what their doing...

Bye, everyone! Suck suck!

I am Laslo.

https://althouse.blogspot.com/2017/06/its-wrong-to-deny-compassion-to-someone.html

...not in MY neighborhood, of course, but I see them when I'm slumming for some raw trade...

Domitian‎, the Proud Sexy Gay Commenter says...

I LOVE Cubans! The brown skin is to die for, and they are so adorable when they get angry, and Cubans, they get angry a LOT...

I don't follow politics, so I don't really get what our country's problem is with them; all I know is there are a lot of gay Cubans around here -- not in MY neighborhood, of course, but I see them when I'm slumming for some raw trade...

I once had a Cuban up to my condo -- he was Young and Hot and barely spoke English, which I like -- but he wanted to put his cock in my ass: needless to say, I Don't Do That. He got all petulant, but then he sucked my magnificent Horse Cock. When I shot my load he said it tasted like Saoco, which made me very happy...

Afterward I tried to give him money for a Taxi, but he was too proud to accept: they are a funny bunch, those macho Cubans...!

Bye, everyone! Suck suck!

I am Laslo.

https://althouse.blogspot.com/2017/06/is-it-really-true-thisstory-about.html

I once had a Kenyan up to my condo -- he was Young and Hot and barely spoke English, which I like...

Domitian‎, the Proud Sexy Gay Commenter says...

I'd SO let the actor playing Trump suck my cock...!

He's not really my type, and he's too old, but it would be fun to have my Horse Cock sucked by someone I could pretend was President...

I wouldn't have the actual Trump suck my Cock, though: I don't want to look down and see that Orange Hair moving back-and-forth, and his tiny fingers probably could not fully grasp my Horse Cock...

If a President WAS to suck my Horse Cock I'd want it to be Obama, of course: I love the chocolate skin, even though his muscles are a little on the small side...

I once had a Kenyan up to my condo -- he was Young and Hot and barely spoke English, which I like -- but he could barely get his mouth around my Horse Cock. When I shot my load he said it tasted like Goat Milk: that kinda made me upset a little, although I have never tasted Goat Milk -- it just sounds Gross...

Bye, everyone! Suck suck!

I am Laslo.

https://althouse.blogspot.com/2017/06/you-are-all-goebbels-goebbels-would-be.html

...it is still quite large, and aesthetically pleasing, like if Michelangelo made Large Gay Cocks ...

Domitian‎, the Proud Sexy Gay Commenter says...

I LOVE the look of muscles and dark chocolate skin! He reminds me of a guy at the Gym -- I can tell he's not Gay, but Damn I want him to make an Exception: I'd be Gentle that first time, and not shove my Cock too fast into his throat...

I've seen him shower after a work-out and he has a magnificent Horse Cock. My cock is not as big, but it is still quite large, and aesthetically pleasing, like if Michelangelo made Large Gay Cocks ...

Some guys can barely get their mouths around my Horse Cock. Like last night: I picked up a Middle Eastern dude at Whole Foods and brought him back to my condo -- I absolutely adored his swarthiness...!

We ate Hummus, and then he sucked my Horse Cock, but it was Very Disappointing: he would only put his mouth around the tip, and when I shot my load he turned away at the last moment, making me spray cum all over my magnificent suede couch...

Bye, everyone! Suck suck!

I am Laslo.

https://althouse.blogspot.com/2017/06/tearing-mans-shirt-off-is-that-good.html

Laslo Films presents "Donut!"

Laslo Films presents "Donut!"

"Donut!"

Man-Child learns an Important Thing About Life.

Tucker attempts to explain Heaven.

Heartwarming.

I am Laslo.

This is the threshold between Hugging and a Lap Dance.

For a man hugging a woman, it also depends on Hug Style:

1. Half Hug. One arm loosely wrapped. Leaning forward. Conspicuous space left between hips.

2.Three-Quarter Hug: One arm loosely wrapped. Hug from an angle: mild hip contact.

3.Three-Quarter Hug with Kiss on Cheek. Same as #2, but with an awkward attempt to seem European.

4. Full Hug, Level One: Both arms encircle the woman, feet are directed in the woman's direction. Woman's breast against man's chest: gentle.

5. Full Hug, Level Two: Same as #4, but: Woman's breast against man's chest: definite compacting.

6. Full Hug, Level Three: Same as #5, but Hips press lightly together.

7. Full Hug, Level Four; Same as #6, but man has Erection.

8. Full Hug, Reverse-Style: ; Same as #7, man has Erection, but is hugging from behind.

9. Full Hug, Reverse-Style Level Two: Same as #8, but man is gently gyrating hips against the woman's buttocks.

10: Full Hug, Happy Ending: Same as #9, but man ejaculates inside his pants. This is the threshold between Hugging and a Lap Dance.


I am Laslo.


https://althouse.blogspot.com/2017/06/you-cant-just-hug-jerry-seinfeld-in.html

Laslo Films presents "The Girl On The Phone!"

Laslo Films presents "The Girl On The Phone!"

"The Girl On The Phone"

Tucker calls a girl he met at the bar.

Interpretive Dance.

Corn Dogs.

I am Laslo.

7:28. Woman at counter. Mid-twenties. Spring dress, yellow with flowers. I strongly believe no underwear.

Notebook of the Guy at the Coffee Shop Who Stares at Women's Asses...

7:17. Woman at counter. Mid-thirties, probably. Expensive hair. Black pants, not tight enough to discern details, but ass seems to be droopy. Orders green tea. Did not take photo.

7:18. Woman, second-in-line. Early twenties. Short hair, big earrings. Tight jeans. Narrow hips, slim ass, almost boy-ish. Taut. Orders Mocha. Took two photos.

7:21: Woman at counter. Forties? maybe looking pretty good for early Fifties. Capri pants. Too old for Capri pants. Ass past the age of evaluation. Did not take photo.

7:24. Woman at table, standing up from chair. Late teens, maybe? Blonde hair, big brown eyes. Stupendous ass. Full, firm, yoga pants. Bends over to put something in backpack: Yes! Took six photos.

7:28. Woman at counter. Mid-twenties. Spring dress, yellow with flowers. I strongly believe no underwear. Undulation. Orders latte. Took three photos.

7:30. Woman waiting at end of counter for beverage. Early thirties. White leggings, blouse only covers top third of ass. Nice ass, but she caught me staring at her. Angry look: probably best to leave for day. No photos.

I am Laslo.

https://althouse.blogspot.com/2017/06/at-barriques-cafe.html

Fuck, none of those are five letters, and they don't begin with an 'N', either...

Travis Bickle Does a Crossword...

Twenty-six down: Black Americans were once called this. Begins with an 'N'...

Hmmm, Ah, that's too easy. Wait. NIGGER is six letters, and there's only space for five. Damn, these crosswords are tricky...

What else were Black Americans called? Jigaboos? Tar babies? Jungle Bunnies? Fuck, none of those are five letters, and they don't begin with an 'N', either...

Damn. It's GOT to be NIGGER. Maybe they made the crossword wrong: there was supposed to be another square but they fucked it up. Nah, it's the New York Times: they don't screw up anything...

Shit. I can't think of another five-letter word for a fucking Negro beginning with an 'N'. I'll have to come back to this one...

I am Laslo.

https://althouse.blogspot.com/2017/06/im-trying-really-hard-to-understand-how.html

I see the piss and shit in the alleys and the gutters...

Travis Bickle Does a Crossword...

Fourteen Across: another name for a politician. Four letters. Ah, that's easy. SCUM is four letters. The politicians here are fucking scum, letting the streets flow with the refuse of hookers and pimps, as long as they get paid by the right people...

Shit. PIMP is four letters, too. This is gonna be a harder than I thought. Are politicians more SCUM than a PIMP? I'm not even sure how to tell the difference on this one: Pimps are Scum, and politicians are scummy pimps. THEY are the ones that let the hookers walk the streets freely with the fucking diseases between their legs...

So: does Fourteen Down begin with an 'S' or a 'P'? Fourteen Down: What is found downtown, sometimes...

I drive through these downtown streets, I see the piss and shit in the alleys and the gutters... That's it! SHIT! SHIT begins with an 'S'. SHIT and SCUM: it works...!

Wait: PISS works, too. PIMP and PISS. Damn, they make these crosswords hard. I'm gonna have to figure out more letters...

I am Laslo.

https://althouse.blogspot.com/2017/06/im-trying-really-hard-to-understand-how.html

It takes more than one hooker to make a river...

Travis Bickle Does a Crossword...

Seven Down: a river in New York. I drive these streets, I see the crime and decay and shit in the gutters, I know what's coming. River of BLOOD, that's it. The River of Blood is coming, and they know it, they know it's coming...

Ah Fuck. The answer is six letters. The river of 'Bloody' maybe? Nah, that can't be right. PEOPLE are bloody, the river is BLOOD. I fucking thought that was it, man, I fucking thought BLOOD was it...

River in New York. Hmmm. When I drive around I only see the scum of society floating down the sidewalks, the hookers and the pimps and the guys who'll snatch your wallet and run off like rabbits...

Hookers! That's it! HOOKERS! Wait. That's seven letters. A River of HOOKER, maybe? Nah, that ain't right. It takes more than one hooker to make a river...

What's another word for HOOKERS... yeah, what else do they call whores? Ah, that was too easy! WHORES! And THAT is six letters! The River of Whores, flooding the streets in their short skirts and sunglasses, smelling of desperation and menthol cigarettes. I'm gonna write that in...


I am Laslo.


https://althouse.blogspot.com/2017/06/im-trying-really-hard-to-understand-how.html

Pig-fucking, folks: it always gets down to pig-fucking, doesn't it?

Hack Comic Mic Nite...

"Trump, man... what a fucking mess we got into, right..?  But -- shit -- it's getting hard to be a comic nowadays. I mean, decapitated heads and cock holsters? I had to throw out half my jokes because they're now too tame...

I mean, what comes after a decapitated head -- a decapitated cock? Sure, I hate Trump, but I really don't feel like standing on stage holding a bloody cut-off orange cock, you know what I mean...? 

So we have the President with his head cut off and his cock in another dude's mouth: that pretty much just leaves jokes about strange items being inserted into his ass, right? Hey, Richard Gere: can I borrow your gerbil for a minute? Hey -- that was funny in the Eighties, people...

Like I said, it's getting harder and harder to tell a joke about the guy. Just a few weeks ago I worked up a riff on Trump fucking Kim Kardashian in the ass -- I was honing my craft, right? I spent several nights as a professional comic getting it just right -- refining the funniest descriptions of Kim's giant ass takes time, my friends. And now? Big fucking deal. Kim Kardashian being fucked in the ass by Trump: I can't even stop MYSELF from yawning...

Pig-fucking, folks: it always gets down to pig-fucking, doesn't it? And once the pig gets fucked, where do you go? Fuck another pig? Too late: it's been done before, now...

It's getting to be like those gang-bang porn videos. Like, the chick who fucked one-hundred-and-twelve men: what's the next chick gonna do, fuck one-hundred-and-thirteen? After a while you're just left waiting to see when her anal sphincter prolapses, I guess...

I mean, do we move on to the First Lady getting decapitated? Sorry, call me old-fashioned, but when I hear about Melania giving head I'd rather think she's sucking my cock, that's all...

Of course, there's always the Ivanka incest jokes, but that field's been plowed, too. I mean, we're being left here in a Comedy Dust Bowl, people: there are no more carrots in the ground. Us comedians are becoming like those North Koreans who are left to eat rocks: there's only so many recipes for rock soup, you know...?

Like, am I left having to make jokes about Kathy Griffin, now? Has my Life fallen THAT far? What's next -- a career in Hell's Lounge making jokes about Sarah Jessica Parker having a face like a horse for all of Eternity? Because that where it's going, people: that's what we're left with...

These are just jokes, people: I mean no offense to our lovely First Lady: I LIKE having a First Lady I can finally jerk off to...

You've been a great audience, thank you for laughing...

I am Laslo.

https://althouse.blogspot.com/2017/06/at-peony-cafe.html