Monday, October 19, 2015

Would be Five Stars, but only Three because of the nubble issue.


Amazon:

"Green Dong smooth and curved with shaved nubbles at the base."

Three stars.

Review:

I have always been a fan of Science Fiction -- so much that I have a tattoo of Marvin the Martian on my leg.

My favorite Science Fiction Reads tend to be those about aliens visiting us, and then probing a Select Few. I am one of the 'Select Few' of course -- after all, it is MY fantasy!

So I was on Amazon looking at dongs when I saw "Green Dong smooth and curved with shaved nubbles at the base" and I thought: THAT sounds like an alien cock probe if there ever was one!

As an alien cock probe I can tell you that the features are exquisite, except for one thing: the nubbles at the base.

This makes it seem like the alien shaved his pubic hair or something, and aliens DON'T have pubic hair, aliens are smooth all over with nothing approaching that of a nubble.

That aside, it makes for a wonderful tool to aid in Sci-Fi Fantasy -- so much that I got two, so I can be 'Double-Probed'.

Would be Five Stars, but only Three because of the nubble issue.


I am Laslo.






Maybe it's weird, but I always wondered what it would feel like to be fucked by a big black man with an STD.


Amazon:

"Black dong with realistic veins and simulated canker sores"

Four stars.

Review:

Maybe it's weird, but I always wondered what it would feel like to be fucked by a big black man with an STD, like AIDS or Syphilis or Mega-Herpes.

Knowing that I could not be the only one with such a desire, I figured I'd look it up on Amazon, and there it was: "Black dong with realistic veins and simulated canker sores."

I was a little tremulous at first -- who knows what these internet companies do with your data -- but I bought it, anyway, and am so very glad I did!!!

It is EXACTLY what I always wondered it would feel like to be fucked by a big black man with an STD, like AIDS or Syphilis or Mega-Herpes.

The attention to detail on the sores is nothing less than amazing, AND it is twelve inches long!!!

Heck, the Only Problem is that it may have spoiled me for the Real Thing. Ha!!!

Four Stars.


I am Laslo.


http://althouse.blogspot.com/2015/10/at-autumn-mindfulness-cafe.html

But No: "Tiny Pale Pink Dong" doesn't vibrate.


Amazon:

"Tiny Pale Pink Dong"

One Star.

Review:

Okay, okay: I was drunk when I ordered this. I figured -- "Tiny Pale Pink Dong" -- it must do SOMETHING special, right? Like maybe it vibrated like a hummingbird.

But No: "Tiny Pale Pink Dong" doesn't vibrate.

It doesn't really do anything, as far as I can tell. It is so small and thin that I don't think it can even be Chinese. Do the Chinese have pink dicks? I don't know.

Why the Hell do the makers even make these? The only thing I can figure is that it's meant to be a timid twelve-year-old girl's First Dildo. Talk about teaching Disappointment.

Don't get me wrong: I am not against twelve-year-old girls having their First Dildo, but the Dong should be bigger than that of an infant.

One star, Amazon: One star.


I am Laslo.


http://althouse.blogspot.com/2015/10/at-autumn-mindfulness-cafe.html

I took deep breaths like my Yoga Instructor teaches but Red Mega-Dong would not come out of my ass.

Amazon:

"Red Mega-Dong"

Three-point-five stars.

Review:

"I was drunk with a girlfriend of mine and we went on Amazon to find the thickest dong there was. By far Red Mega-Dong was the girth-iest.

As I said, we were drunk, so I ordered it on my mother's credit card (Sorry Mom!)

It came in the mail and was thicker than my thigh.

So I drank a little and tried to put it up my ass, but no dice.

I then smoked a spliff, added some lube, and it still wasn't even close to making an entrance: it was like trying to put a bowling ball in a Pringles can.

Then I took some Molly and a little Coke and -- Wham -- it slid right in!

They should tell you that in the reviews: Molly, Coke and Lube.

Anyway, my legs would not stop shaking so I tried to remove it, but it wouldn't budge.

I took deep breaths like my Yoga Instructor teaches but Red Mega-Dong would not come out of my ass.

Desperate, I called my girlfriend, and she came over, but --even after tugging and tugging and twisting -- she couldn't get it out of my ass.

We called the Fire Department, and I was mortified: obviously some cute buff Fireman would arrive and have to remove Red Mega-Dong from my ass.

Except the responder was a big black woman who just rolled her eyes, shook her head, and pulled Red Mega-Dong out with pliers.

I'm not sure if this experience was a 2 or a 5, so I gave it a 3.5.


I am Laslo.


http://althouse.blogspot.com/2015/10/at-autumn-mindfulness-cafe.html

Focus on the Ball Gag.

"Another exhibit in the case that artificial intelligence is not so great"


Ever since I wrote that fake review for the twelve-inch yellow polyurethane Dong Amazon has avalanched me with Dong ads.

Black Dong with realistic veins? Here's an ad.

Black dong with realistic veins and simulated canker sores? Here's an ad.

Green Dong smooth and curved with shaved nubbles at the base? Here's an ad.

Red Mega-Dong the circumference of a can of motor oil? Here's an ad.

Tiny Pale Pink Dong for who knows why? Here's an ad.

Look: the chick only gave the twelve-inch yellow polyurethane Dong two stars.


Focus on the Ball Gag.


I am Laslo.



http://althouse.blogspot.com/2015/10/at-autumn-mindfulness-cafe.html

Saturday, October 17, 2015

"Yeah. Bukkake Girls always get an eye infection..."


"Oh God, you should've seen Room 433 that I had to clean up."

"I heard rumors..."

"They obviously had a Bukkake Party in there."

"And of course they leave it to us maids to clean up the mess."

"Ain't that how it always is? There was semen everywhere, the walls were wet. My skin is still crawling, and I had to throw away my shoes."

"Can't these people at least lay down some towels?"

""You'd think. The only thing they used a towel for is one guy who obviously wiped his ass with it."

"Ewwww. Shit Towel People. Those are the worst."

"Yeah. And the chick used toilet paper to wipe herself up, and then just left it on the floor. Like she can't be bothered to even throw it in the trash."

"That's just rude."

"And the smell..."

"It's never pretty."

"The best you can hope for is to get the ammonia and air freshener to be stronger than the spunk."

"Some days you feel like you should've never come into work in the first place."

"Amen. And some jackass broke the toilet, trying to flush a pair of underpants."

"Probably married. Can't have the Wife see Jizz-shorts."

"Men can be pretty fucked up."

"Yeah. And I hope she gets an eye infection."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Bukkake Girls always get an eye infection..."


I am Laslo.





"I wanted to be more than just another cock."


"I went to a Bukkake Party the other night..."

"How was it?"

"It was alright, I guess."

"The chick was ugly, right?"

""No,no: I thought she was pretty. Like, 'the kind of girl you'd like to take to dinner' pretty."

"Really? So what was the problem?"

"I thought I was making a real connection with her, but it ends up she only had eyes for this tall, handsome guy in a suit."

"A suit? Who wears a suit to a Bukkake Party?

"I know. Us short guys, the girls never seem to pay any attention to us. It's like they've already decided we're not good enough for them, just because of our height."

"I know the feeling."

"I mean, I pushed my cock in her mouth, came on her face -- anything to get her to pay attention to me, you know? -- but she just sat and stared all starry-eyed at Mr. Tall Guy."

"That's gotta be disappointing."

"Yeah. I mean, it's a Bukkake Party, but I wanted to be more than just another cock."

"You know the worst part?"

"What's that?"

"I bet she'd have anal with that guy, right out of the gate."


I am Laslo.


http://althouse.blogspot.com/2015/10/or-maybe-your-soul-is-telling-you-that.html

"What about if she did anal."


"So I went to this Bukkake Party the other night..."

"I've always wanted to go to one of those. The girl: was she good-looking?"

"Fair. But she had a neediness about her, you could see it in her eyes."

"I hate that."

"Me too. She kept trying to make eye content, and I just wanted to blow my load on her hair."

"That's what a Bukkake Party is for."

"I know. And she kept staring at me, even while the other guys were coming all over her. It was kinda freaky."

"I can imagine."

"I mean, I'm just there to splooge on a chick and I'm thinking she wants me to take her to dinner or something."

"Would you?"

"Would you take her to dinner? Sounds like she'd be pretty easy: after all, you've already ejaculated in her hair."

"Nah, that neediness vibe is too strong."

"What about if she did anal."

"Hmmm. Maybe one date."

"That's what I was thinking..."


I am Laslo.




Good Girls who do Naughty Things.

The labels that matter:

Good Girls.

Good Girls who do Naughty Things.

Naughty Girls.

Dirty Girls.

Cheerleaders.


That should do it.


I am Laslo.


http://althouse.blogspot.com/2015/10/i-identify-as-grey-asexual-cant-bring.html

It was spiritual, you know? I mean, not the short guy who tried to put his cock in my mouth..."



Put yourself back in there by having a Bukkake Party.

One of those ejaculating men just might be your Soul Mate.
"I met the most amazing guy the other night."

"Really? It's about time. Tell me about him."

"He is tall, dark-haired and has the most wonderful sensitive eyes."

"Sounds great!"

"Yeah! When he came in my hair our eyes locked, and we had a moment. I could feel it, deep down."

"Wait: what?"

"Our eyes locked."

"No, no: the other part."

"Oh. Yeah, he came in my hair. It was a Bukkake Party."

"Wow."

"Yeah, he really stood out. So many of the other men just wanted to ejaculate for themselves. Some even came on my face, making my eyes sting."

"Yeah, that's gotta hurt some."

"But him: he was ejaculating for me, I could tell. And he was the only one afterward to bring me a roll of toilet paper so I could clean up."

"You think you'll see him again?"

"Oh yeah. We have a connection. I just don't know what to do if he wants sex right away..."

"But he's already jerked off into your hair."

"Yeah, but that's different. Sex with someone you care about is a lot more intimate than twelve strangers coming on your face and hair. Some even try to push their cock in your mouth."

"I would think there would be protocols about that."

"There are, but there are always insensitive men who want to push past the boundaries. Like: my tits are off-limits."

"But this guy is sensitive."

"Yeah, and he dressed so well. Even with his pants at his knees he looked sharp."

"I hope this all works out for you..."

"Oh, it will, it will. This all had to happen for a Higher Reason."

"Yeah."

"It was spiritual, you know? I mean, not the short guy who tried to put his cock in my mouth, but My Guy: Spiritual..."


I am Laslo




Sunday, October 11, 2015

When you are homeless salami is a treat, even if it does smell a little odd.

I see how this is True.

I once dated a Vegetarian who was always wanting me to stick cucumbers in her ass. Her clothes come off, I go to the kitchen and get a cucumber, the cucumber goes in her ass.

But -- when drunk -- she wanted big bold uncut Salami stuck in her ass. Sometimes, a knobby bratwurst.

Oh, in the morning she would cry a little and say how that was never going to happen again, but when the Vegetarian went to the grocery store she always seemed to buy an uncut Salami or Bratwurst along with the cucumbers.

She was only kidding herself.

I am Laslo.


I am conscientious: I donated all 'gently used' cucumbers and salamis and bratwursts to the local Food Bank for the Homeless.

When you are homeless salami is a treat, even if it does smell a little odd.


I am Laslo.



http://althouse.blogspot.com/2015/10/a-new-survey-says-more-than-third-of.html

You know what I would give to fuck the Ugliest Girl in the World right now?

Somewhere there must be a lost Sam Kinison riff on this.

800 LB Guy: Get this: I got so fat I can't reach my own cock.

Paralyzed Guy: What?

800 LB Guy: I got so fat I can't reach my own cock.

Paralyzed Guy: So, it's like a disease? Glandular? You have 600 pounds of tumors?

800 LB Guy: Naw. I just really like pizza.

Paralyzed Guy: You fuck! I fucking DREAM of being able to touch my cock again! 

800 LB Guy: It's not that bad, really.

Paralyzed Guy: It's not that bad? You can't even touch your own cock -- by your own fucking choice, day after day, not like having your fucking spine severed in a car accident --and you're OK with that?

800 LB Guy: You know what I really miss?

Paralyzed Guy: Sure. I want to hear this.

800 LB Guy: I really miss being able to wipe my ass.

Paralyzed Guy: You know, yeah: I miss that, too. I miss that because MY SPINE GOT SEVERED IN A CAR ACCIDENT. Not because I couldn't LAY DOWN THE FUCKING PIZZA!

800 LB Guy: I have a sickness. I'm addicted.

Paralyzed Guy: You know what I was addicted to? BEING ABLE TO USE MY FUCKING DICK, that's what I was addicted to! I could masturbate, I could fuck: you know what I would give to fuck the Ugliest Girl in the World right now? Just once?

800 LB Guy: You -- you don't understand the depths of my sickness...

Paralyzed Guy: The depths of your sickness? My fucking depth now starts at everything below my FUCKING CHIN!

800 LB Guy:I thought you would be able to understand...

Paralyzed Guy: Understand? An able-bodied person with a fully-functioning spine willing to GIVE UP ON THEIR OWN DICK? AWWW! AAAAWWW! OWWWWW!


Something like that.

I miss Sam Kinison.


I am Laslo.


http://althouse.blogspot.com/2015/10/father-fears-800-pound-son-will-die.html