Friday, September 30, 2016

"Oh, but they make the rubber dingdong for the lady-on-lady, yes? Strap on the dingdong, right? Push Push?"


"Mizz Hillary?"

"Yes, Alicia?"

"You and the Huma: do you have the butt-sex, like, togethers?"

"Neither Huma nor I engage in such sex, Alicia."

"Because Huma she is the Arab. Arab wimmen, they love the butt-sex."

"Alicia, just because a woman is Arabic does not mean she enjoys that particular action."

"Oh no, Mizz Hillary, you is the wrong. All women who are born  of the swarthy men love the butt-sex."

"Alicia..."

"Arabs, Mexicans, South Americans, the Italians and the Greeks:all the women do the butt-sex."

"Because the men are swarthy."

"Yes! Now's you gets it, Mizz Hillary!"

"Alicia, neither Huma nor I have a penis."

"Oh, but they make the rubber dingdong for the lady-on-lady, yes? Strap on the dingdong, right? Push Push?"

"Alicia, neither Huma nor I 'strap on the dingdong'."

"You use a the banana? In my country a lot of women use a the banana. Or a gourd. Wide if you like."

"Alicia, perhaps we should focus on your next interview..."

"Yes, yes. Next interview: no mention the butt-sex."

"That's right, Alicia."


Laslo would know where to go from here.


I am The Replacement Laslo.



"A lot of men must want to have the butt-sex with you. Like a wheelbarrow."


"Mizz Hillary, maybe I no understand?"

"It's very simple, Alicia. You just need to tell people you were born with a penis."

"But I has no peenis, Mizz Hillary."

"Not anymore, Alicia: you do not have a penis anymore."

"But why, Mizz Hillary?"

"Because it makes Donald look like a fool to the Deplorables, discovering he had a transsexual win one of his beauty contests. And then there will be all the support from the LGBT crowd: you'll be an icon."

"Because I be born with dick?"

"Exactly, Alicia."

"Mizz Hillary, where be did my dick go?"

"Doctors took it from you when you were little. Religious conservative patriarchal doctors."

"They bad doctors to do that."

"Yes: yes they were: very bad. But look how far you've come since then, Alicia. You are a role model for us all."

"Mizz Hillary, I mees my peenis."

"That's right, Alicia: FEEL the story."

"I have no peenis and no real vageenay, I only can has the butt-sex."

"Maybe not that far, Alicia..."

"The LGBLT like the butt-sex, right Mizz Hillary?"

"Yes, Alicia: a lot of them do..."

"Drug Lords, they all make the butt-sex with me."

"Alicia.."

"Every Drug Lord, they tells me I am the Beautiful, then they bend me over the table and -- Whammo -- the butt-sex."

"Let's not mention Butt-Sex OR Drug Lords, Alicia; let's keep it simple."

"Seemple: I got it. I no mentions Drug Lords, Mizz Hillary. I no mentions the Butt-sex."

"Good, good..."

"Mizz Hillary?"

"Yes, Alicia?"

"Do YOU have the butt-sex?

"Alicia..."

"Cause you have the big big butt. A lot of men must want to have the butt-sex with you. Like a wheelbarrow."

"No, Alicia; I don't do the butt-sex."

"Ah. So THAT ees why Mr. Bill sees all those other women..."

"I couldn't say what a 'Glory Hole' was. Your boyfriend is GREAT in Gay Studies."

"You're a TERRIBLE roommate Nikki. I want everyone to know that."

"But what have I done to you, Jessica? I've tried to be a good roommate, really."

"You leave paper coffee cups everywhere rather than throw them away, you leave the bathroom a mess, you've licked my boyfriend's balls..."

"That's what this is about, isn't it? That I licked your boyfriend's balls?"

"Well, that's part of it, yes."

"It was part of Study Group! If a guy asked me a question and I didn't know the answer I had to lick his balls, that's all. I licked a LOT of balls."

"Maybe you should study harder."

"Yeah, I know."

"Or did you get the answer wrong on purpose just so you could lick my boyfriend's balls?"

"Jessica! No! I don't even like your boyfriend that way!"

"So my boyfriend isn't good enough for Princess Nikki? Is that it?"

"No, no. It's just that he's yours, that's all. Besides, he didn't even seem all that excited for me to lick his balls."

So what was the question you couldn't answer?"

"I couldn't say what a 'Glory Hole' was. Your boyfriend is GREAT in Gay Studies."

"My boyfriend is very smart."

"He must've had a bad night, though: he got a lot of answers wrong. He licked a LOT of balls that night."

"Well, can you at least not go to those Study Groups with my boyfriend? For me?"

"Yeah. I don't think they even liked me being there. I'm not even invited to the next one."

"Why is that?"

"They say it is 'Gay Bukkake Study Night'..."

Laslo would know where to go from here.


I am The Replacement Laslo.


https://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/09/nikki-had-few-defenders-on-twitter-but.html

Thursday, September 29, 2016

I'm going to say that the In Other Words staff is right.


Okay, the jokes are easy on this one. So I want to look another direction.

I'm going to say that the In Other Words staff is right.

What is 'Portlandia'? A hipster show that pokes gentle fun at hipsters, so those viewing -- and those that created the show -- can all nod knowingly about just how hip they are.

Self-infatuated, they know they cannot be Haters -- they know people of all colors, identities, etc who talk just like them, dress like them and laugh at the same things. But even nerds and geeks have a pecking order in their societies, and the artists of the show Portlandia are keen to show their dominance in theirs.

So what the staff may have initially perceived as kindred spirits has turned into watching their social superiors benefit by making fun of them, publicly. Yes, it is a very high-school thing, but for a lot of people High School HURT -- especially when mocked by friends. Which is kinda the underlying current of that bookstore, really: a hurt geek's sheltering  basement.

Meanwhile, Portlandia is cross-dressing with little more subtlety than Milton Berle over a half-century ago.

Yes, I said it, Portlandia: Milton Berle. Make yourself hip using THAT..


I am The Replacement Laslo.





"That Ms. Ivers is a real handful. She drives a Suburu."


"Town Boy Cheats Death, Inadequate Barrier Blamed."

In the wake of the killing of a gorilla after a boy climbed into its zoo exhibit comes another story of children endangered by inadequate safety measures.

Local boy Terrance Ivers was enjoying a day with his mother at the Rutabaga Garden Patch, a cooperative farming area and park, when terror struck.

"I don't know what happened," the boy's mother Vera Ivers said. "I was just admiring a cucumber when I heard the screams."

Terrance had climbed over a small fence and fell into a patch of radishes.

"We put that fence there for a reason," Sal Carson, manager of the Rutabaga Garden Patch, said.

While surrounded by radishes the boy did not seem to be in imminent danger. That did not calm his mother, Ms. Ivers.

"He could've been killed!" she said, recounting the experience. "What if that enclosure held tigers or gorillas? They need to make the fence more sturdy."

After the initial confusion Mr. Carson stepped over the fence and retrieved the boy, who was not hurt in the incident.

"Need more sturdy fences?" Mr. Carson said, when told about Ms. Ivers' comment. "It's just to keep people from stepping on the dang radishes."

Ms. Ivers said she is considering suing the Rutabaga Garden Patch.

"I don't want to see anyone else's child face the same terror that my boy did.

"Sue me?" Mr. Carson said, when told of Ms. Ivers' comments. "She can take those d*mned organic cucumbers she buys and shove them up her a**."

Ms. Ellen Payne, who was there for the horrible scene, had this to add.

"That Ms. Ivers is a real handful. She drives a Suburu."

When asked what that had to do with the story, Ms. Payne smiled.

"Oh, we all know what she and her girlfriend do with those cucumbers."


I am The Replacement Laslo.


https://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/09/tigers-elephants-and-rhinoceroses.html

"Yeah. Johnny, in all of out time together, never once kissed my penis. He is a selfish boy."


Stunted Gnomish Boy says:

I went over to the neighbor's house again, and saw something that made my heart hurt SO bad...

As I approached I saw Johnny Baker leaving Brent's house. Johnny Baker! he was a year ahead of me in school, and everybody liked him. No: everybody LOVED him. He was smart, and athletic, and he looked good with his shirt off...

I asked Brent why Johnny was there, and Brent said that Johnny was a friend, too. Brent had another friend? Like me, only better in every way? I didn't think anything could hurt so much, not even my Dad laughing at me was like this...

Brent saw the look in my eyes, and spoke in a soft voice.

"When I met Johnny he was like you, you know?"

No, I didn't know.

He was shy, unsure of himself, a little overweight and din't wash his hair often enough. I guess that WAS like me.

"So what happened?" I asked.

"Johnny and I hung out, and he built up his confidence and his body. Like you're starting to do, now."

"Okay..."

"But you are better than Johnny," Brent said, and I couldn't help but feel Hope stir inside me.

"Me? Better than Johnny?"

"Yeah. Johnny, in all of out time together, never once kissed my penis. He is a selfish boy."

"But I've never kissed your penis, either."

"I know, but I also know that one day you WILL. You are a stellar friend."

'Stellar"? I would never have guessed in a million years that someone should call me 'stellar.'I let the moment float around me like warm water.

"So do you want me to..."

""No, not now," Brent said with authority in his voice. "You're not ready yet. No need to hurry."

I felt both childish and relieved. I was relieved that I didn't have to kiss Brent's penis right now, but I felt childish for feeling that way. But Brent said I would know when I was ready. Brent was really good at understanding things like that...


I am The Replacement Laslo.


"It's just like that, but among friends. Unless you don't really want to be friends..."


Stunted Gnomish Boy says:

I went over to the neighbor's house again, and something BIG happened.

We were sitting in the backyard, shirtless, when my Neighbor -- whose name is Brent -- said we should take off our shorts, too...

This seemed a little too far for me to go, but after he took off his shorts I figured I had to do the same: I do not want to be the 'old' me, frightened and afraid of anything new because everything new was just a new way to be hurt...

So I had my eyes closed, when I felt a shadow fall over my face: opening my eyes, I saw his erect penis, inches from my nose...

"You can touch it," he said, smiling.

"I couldn't speak, so I just shook my head a meager little 'No."

"You have touched your own penis, right? It's just like that, but among friends. Unless you don't really want to be friends..."

That last sentence was like a harpoon to my heart. Brent was my ONLY friend: I could never give that up, so I gently touch his erect penis.

"You are making me feel so good..." Brent said. "It is good to be friends..."

It felt like an out-of-body experience, like my hand wasn't even my own and I was watching all of this from above. Then he came on my chest.

"It's okay, I have a towel right here," he said...

While he was wiping me clean I came.

"Don't worry," he told me: "you'll get more patient with time..."

Then I played Grand Theft Auto on his Big TV while he took a shower. My Dad would never let me play Grand Theft Auto. I wasn't sure where I was going, but I liked being further away from where I'd been...

I am The Replacement Laslo.




He told me I looked too tense for such a young age, and then he started massaging my shoulders, like it was no big deal.


Stunted Gnomish Boy says:

I went over to the neighbor's house and it was even better than I could've dreamed...

We sat in his backyard, and he took his shirt off. He told me I should take off my shirt, too, it was a warm sunny day and it is great to feel it on your skin...

I told him I never take my shirt off in front of anybody, but he told me that if I were to be at his house I had to leave such self-defeating beliefs outside the front door. I never thought about it like that: I took off my shirt, and the sun DID feel good, I felt like I was a soda commercial where everybody is at the beach, showing skin and being happy...

He told me I looked too tense for such a young age, and then he started massaging my shoulders, like it was no big deal. I closed my eyes and felt the sun on my exposed skin and his hands on my shoulders, and then I came...

I was SO embarrassed, but he said it wasn't anything to worry about: it was just a sign that my body was liking living this way, and it is true, I have never felt so relaxed...

It was getting close to dinner time, so I had to head home, but not before he invited me to come back whenever I wanted. Whenever I wanted? I wanted to be there, with him, ALL the time...

I walked home with my shirt off; when I went inside my Dad said I looked stupid and fat like that, and to put my shirt back on. I couldn't say it out loud, but in my head my voice was clear" Suck It, Dad. I can hardly wait to go next door tomorrow, where I can learn more about being myself...


I am The Replacement Laslo.

After we washed the car he would rinse me off with the garden hose, and we would laugh.


Stunted Gnomish Boy says:

I've always known that I don't belong. I don't belong in my school, I don't belong in my town, I don't belong in my family. Sometimes I cry at night, but that only makes me hate myself more. God, please let me grow up to be something else; I'll take anything, just not 'me'...

There is a nice neighbor down the street. He is handsome, and so is his roommate. He always smiles at m with big white teeth and gives a little wave. I think he is the only person who is ever nice to me...

Lately I've been thinking about him in ways that I don't understand. Sunday he was washing his Suburu in the driveway with his shirt off and I can't help it, I pictured him soaping ME up like the car, all sudsy and playful...

After we washed the car he would rinse me off with the garden hose, and we would laugh. Maybe he would help me towel off, I don't know: when I masturbate about this I have usually come by this point...

He makes my Dad look like an old fat loser. An old fat loser who doesn't even acknowledge my existence most times. I don't want to grow up to be my Dad. I want to be like my neighbor. Maybe I'll go over there with some Cokes and we can just talk. Maybe we could even work out together sometime: I bet he could make me be as strong as he is: I like how he looks without a shirt...


I am The Replacement Laslo.


https://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/09/like-i-said-earlier-maybe-i-am-being.html