Monday, May 30, 2016

As long as I'm not played by fucking Jackie Chan,


Sisero Wong, Strip-Club Bouncer.

Yeah, I'm half-Chinese. What the fuck does that matter?

I'm thinking of writing a book about my experiences being a strip club bouncer.

A lot of funny shit happens at the strip club. Fat guy shits his pants during a lap dance, stripper accidentally pees a little on stage: that kind of thing, for starters. Get the reader hooked.

And there's always the vomit; I could tell a dozen stories about vomit. Two of those stories would involve Miss Stacey and Thai food from across the street, but I think I'll save that for the book. 

Okay, just a hint: Miss Stacey was backstage and found half a roach in her take-out Thai food, and realized she must have eaten the other half. Like I said: vomit. She thought she was done vomiting before going on stage, but it turns out she wasn't. Good times.

Miss Stacey also had Irritable Bowel Syndrome, not so good for lap dancing, if you connect my dots. Poor girl: seems like something was always coming out of her, one end or the other.

Being half-Chinese, I can expound upon the difference between whites and blacks at the strip club. The blacks aren't afraid to talk dirty to the girls, for one: they'll call out a girl for having a stinky ol' ass. 

White guys, they all talk sickly-sweet to the girls, like they could maybe be their Knight in Shining Armor or something; later on when they've blown a hundred-forty bucks and the stripper is gone they'll just mumble the dirty shit. 

And whenever one of the girls is feeling that stalker vibe, it always turns out to be a middle-aged sweaty white guy. I mean, who else but sweaty middle-aged white guys would try to collect autographs from strippers?

And then there is the actual bouncing: shit can get violent when naked women are involved. I even had to toss a guy in a wheelchair once; after I helped him back into his wheelchair the fucker maced me. Handicapped people can be real assholes.

Anyway, I think it'll make a great book; maybe they'll even turn it into a movie.

As long as I'm not played by fucking Jackie Chan,


I am Laslo.



In 1943 we lost Chester Dewey to the Nazis and in 1944 we lost Ben Anderson to the Japs.


A Letter from Miss Harriet Tubman, Kansas, 1954:

No, I am not THAT Harriet Tubman. 

In 1917 our little Town lost Johnny Hanson to the Krauts.

In 1943 we lost Chester Dewey to the Nazis and in 1944 we lost Ben Anderson to the Japs.

Just last year we lost our Wesley Brook to the Commies in North Korea.

On this Memorial Day I hope and pray the rest of the world can take care of their own problems for awhile and leave our boys at home.

I would write a longer letter, but I'm needing to gather flowers for the Memorial...

Sincerely,
Harriet.


I am Laslo.


https://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/05/memorial-day.html

Sunday, May 29, 2016

Any ideas on why this one jumped out?

A question for you in Laslo-Land:

My post "http://iamlaslo.blogspot.com/2016/05/well-way-things-are-going-youd-be-fired.html" has had over triple the hits of most posts.

I can't figure if someone linked to it or not.

Any ideas on why this one jumped out?

I am Laslo.

"Yes, but you need to NOT hire them for the right reasons: the Purity of Rejection is Important."

Alize Wallace-Hadeeb, Safe Space Inspector:

"We at the University have done everything to make this the safest of environments on any American campus."

"You haven't hired any conservative faculty lately, have you?"

"We do not make such distinctions in hiring. We are about a well-rounded Higher Education for our students."

"I will take that as a 'Yes'."

"Yes?" Ha! You're funny. Of COURSE we haven't hired any conservatives -- they would never fit in."

"So the fact that they don't "fit in" is the reason for not hiring them?"

"Ummm..."

"Many students of color and non-normative gender feel THEY don't fit in to this campus environment. Do they get rejected, too?"

"I just thought we weren't supposed to hire conservatives."

"Yes, but you need to NOT hire them for the right reasons: the Purity of Rejection is Important."

"Right Reasons?"

"What do Conservatives wish to Conserve:

A system of Socially Unjust Laws?

Categorization of the Norm?

A history of Thought as Patriarchy?

The Abatttoir of Capitalism?"

"Uhhh..."

"Yes?"

"If I say Yes can I keep my job?"

"We'll note your good intentions in our Review..."


I am Laslo.


https://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/05/the-universitys-ideological-tilt.html

"I understand. That is why my report will demand that you be fired."


Alize Wallace-Hadeeb, Safe Space Inspector:
"We at the University have done everything to make this the  safest of environments on any American campus."
"I see you allow the male students to wear shorts."
"Well, it gets quite warm here in the Spring, and it IS a beautiful day."
"A beautiful day for Oppressors, maybe. People from other Cultures could be aggressed by such casual showing of skin."
"So no shorts on campus. I'll get a memorandum out to the men and women of the College."
"Just the men, actually."
"Females can wear shorts? Isn't that unequal?"
"Unequal is thousands of years of Patriarchy shaming women's bodies and denying them the Freedom of their Sexuality."
"Okay... No shorts for male students."
"To be precise, that should be no shorts for white students."
"Huh?"
"People of color have been subjugated to White Norms for too long. The color of their skin shows their deep connection they have with the Sun, something the Ice People perpetually try to deny."
"So only white students are barred from wearing shorts. That seems unfair."
"No: it is True Social Fairness catching up with them. Besides, white male students in shorts are more likely to rape."
"More likely to rape because they're wearing shorts? That can't be true."
"It doesn't need to be 'True' by White Male Standards: it just has to FEEL True."
"Fine. I'll put out the memorandum: no white male students in shorts."
"Frankly, I would be more supportive if that Memorandum was issued by a person of color."
"Now why is that?"
"Isn't it obvious? The white students will be less likely to be seen rebelling against a person of color. White Authority is over, even when it pertains to whites."
"I don't agree with any of this..."
"I understand. That is why my report will demand that you be fired."
"Fired? Over shorts?"
"Don't feel defensive. If it makes you feel any better I have demanded people be fired for less..."

I am Laslo.

I'd become just another fat American in Paris.

Girl with the Pony Tail on the Treadmill:

I'd love to travel.

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)

I took French in high school.

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)

I can picture myself drinking coffee at a sidewalk cafe in Paris, watching life go by.

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)

All that delicious food. And desserts.

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)

I'd get fat. I know it.

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)

It would be worth it, though.

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)

No, it wouldn't.

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)

I'd become just another fat American in Paris.

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)

French people would whisper things in French about how fat I was, and I'd be able to understand them. Humiliating.

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)

They would snicker at my fat American ass in my yoga pants.

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)

"I speak French, you know," I'd tell them.

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)

They'd probably just laugh harder. The Fat American Girl who thinks she can speak French. Ha Ha. Have another croissant, Fat American Girl. With butter.

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)

I can't think of anything more embarrassing then being fat in Paris and buying an issue of Paris Vogue, with all the thin girls in all those fashions.

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)

They'd look at me and think to themselves that I would never fit in those clothes.

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)
I love Paris Vogue.

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)

When I came home I'd run and run, but the weight won't come off. Ever. I ruined it.

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)

Maybe I should skip travel and buy an Audi. 

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)

I wish.

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)

Meanwhile, I'm just here, running on a treadmill, waiting for something to happen.

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)

I need to make more money.

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)


I am Laslo.


https://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/05/so-no-shorts-at-all-for-guys-isnt-that.html

Saturday, May 28, 2016

" I once made sweet sweet sexy to a Swedish girl on a bear-skin rug in front of a roaring fire. Memories are good, no?"


"Vice President Antonio Banderas, what is your position on women's issues?"

"I like all of the positions,  my friend. It is -- how you say? -- sexy sexy."

"Sir, I mean on issues like women's health?"

"I like the healthy woman. Salma Hayek, there was a healthy woman. Very healthy in all the right places, do you know what I am saying?"

"Sir, do you believe women deserve equal pay?"

"The best pay you can give a woman is to pay her a compliment. "You look the sexy sexy" -- like that."

"Sir, I'm not sure you are understanding the meanings of my questions..."

"You ask me about the woman, right? I love me the Woman. The smell of their hair, the curves of their body. What's not to like?"

"Maybe we should move on. Where do you stand on transgender issues?"

"You mean like when the man dresses like the woman, with the boobies? I am not into that, my friend, but I say Live and Let Live."

"There are some who say you shouldn't even be Vice President, due to you not being born a citizen of the United States. How do you respond?"

"Oh, the women who voted for me: it does not matter to them, right? They know a little Latin sizzle is good for the Country. I love all the women of this country, and wish only that I could give them all a little personal Banderas-time -- like, right up next to them, where I can nuzzle their neck and smell their hair. American women, they are big on the clean hair, not like the French. I once loved a French woman, but her hair smelled of smoke and oysters. Alas, it was not to be."

"What about --"

"Ahhh, but Swedish women, they live in the cold but their skin is warm, do you know what I am saying? I once made sweet sweet sexy to a Swedish girl on a bear-skin rug in front of a roaring fire. Memories are good, no?"

"Final question: what would you say to the people who say you are simply unqualified to be a heartbeat away from the Presidency?"

"I would tell them that they need to be open to the Banderas. The Banderas, he will treat you just fine..."


I am Laslo.



Friday, May 27, 2016

"I guess if you're gonna shoot you best just keep on shootin'."


Hillbillies on the Porch:

"Whacha whittling there, Deke?

"Well, I started tryin' to whittle a woman, but it looks like it's gonna be a Coke bottle, instead."

"I was talkin' to my cousin Walter and he said Reagan's shooter is allowed to walk out and about."

"I thought we were supposed to believe he is crazy."

"He IS crazy, he just gets to walk out and about."

"Well that's fucked up. Cousin Red was crazy but he still is in prison."

"Yeah, but that's because he didn't shoot the President, he just shot the guy molesting his daughter."

"Man, this is a fucked-up world."

"Yeah. I guess if someone is molesting your daughter and you shoot him, he better be the President."

"Oh man, this is a fucked-up world."

"And they're worried about MY guns."

"I guess if you're gonna shoot you best just keep on shootin'."

"Amen, brother: Amen."


I am Laslo.