Friday, May 20, 2016
Me, I respect bees: they are little bad-asses, they'll get up in your face and shit, even though you're, like, a thousand times bigger than them.
Sisero Wong, Strip-Club Bouncer.
Yeah, I'm half-Chinese. What the fuck does that matter?
I'm working the side of the stage, afternoon shift, making sure the strokers don't stroke on my watch, when I see it first. I see everything first: that's what a bouncer does. Eagle eyes.
In through the door comes this bee. Me, I respect bees: they are little bad-asses, they'll get up in your face and shit, even though you're, like, a thousand times bigger than them.
Well, the bee heads straight for Misty, who's working the pole. Of course the bee is gonna go for Misty: she's all covered in some coconut-smelling body lotion, and she probably has some flowery rain-forest shit in her hair.
So Misty sees the bee, and it follows her in circles as she spins around the pole, buzz buzz buzz.
"A bee!" she yells, and then she is dashing awkwardly from one side of the stage to the other in her four-inch heels and g-string, hands waving in the air.
"Help me, Sisero!" she says, but -- like -- what can I do? I can't stop a bee from being a bee, I'm here to handle drunks and assholes, not some Park Ranger Gardener shit.
Misty turns on the stage to head back across it, her hands covering her tits -- she invested a lot of money in those tits -- when she slips on a couple of loose dollar bills.
She falls flat on her face -- Wham! -- and then the bee lands and stings her in the ass: little dude missed stinging her asshole by like an inch.
Now Misty is crying uncontrollably, sobbing that she hates bees.
Few things kill the mood in a club like a stripper on stage, crying: guys can get that shit at home. Well, the ones who aren't total losers.
Yeah, the only thing worse is when an ex-boyfriend storms the stage and tries to pull his stripper ex off the stage by the hair. Although once when that happened a dude in the audience went straight to the bathroom to stroke off. Like: I can only handle one problem at a time...
I am Laslo.