Sunday, April 26, 2015

Ben: if you're out there, get in touch..

The Alternate Cornpone Self-Effacing Obama routine:

Let's get this out of the way first: yes, I will be reading all of this from a tele-prompter. There is nothing in my Muslim faith that prohibits me from doing so...

C'mon folks: just because my middle name is "Hussein" doesn't make me a Muslim. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I should count my blessings, though: at least I didn't name one of my daughters 'ISIS'...

I've been criticized for perhaps golfing too much. You'd think that the people who don't like my policies would want me out of the Office and golfing as much as possible -- Joe Biden told me that one...

Seriously, people: have you not heard of multi-tasking? When I'm golfing I'm also thinking about world affairs. Trust me: my golf game would be a lot better if I wasn't also thinking deeply about the Middle East on the Eighteenth hole...

Speaking of the Middle East: people keep asking me about what really happened regarding Benghazi. I would like to give a better answer, but Mr. Ghazi won't return my calls. Ben: if you're out there, get in touch..

There is a lot of talk about Gay Marriage these days. As you know, my position evolved. Now, would I have married Michelle if she was a man? Well, she already has bigger biceps than me, so...

Somehow I have gotten the reputation for being a bit thin-skinned. Don't worry, though: I have the Secret Service checking into where these rumors started...

I have to tell you: it is hard being the first black President. Sometimes I feel like Jackie Robinson, if Jackie Robinson had thrown a baseball like a girl...

There has been a lot of talk about me not wanting to work with the Republicans. That is simply not true. I put out an olive branch to Speaker of the House John Boehner, but somehow the message got messed up and he spent an evening waiting for me to show up at the Olive Garden. Good thing there was all-you-can eat pasta...

Seriously, John: You, me, Applebee's. But we'll split the check...

I am Laslo.

Some Poor Men are not really poor, they just blow all their money on hookers.

As a Pimp, there will always be the girl in the stable who makes the least amount of cash: it will always be so. 

However, if a customer gets too rough with her you have to give that customer the same exact beat-down you would give him if he tried to rough up your best Prize Hooker: it is in that way that they keep their faith in your benevolence.

I am Laslo.

A hooker with too much loose cash will inevitably stray into wantonness. That is why the Pimp collects the money, and uses his judgment as to determine how much cash the hooker receives in return.

She can, of course, put a little aside for breast implants: in Biblical parlance, it helps them to Fish.

I am Laslo.

A hooker can service both the Rich Man and the Poor Man, if they are up-front with the same amount of money.

Of course, some Poor Men are not really poor, they just blow all their money on hookers.

Who am I to judge?

I am Laslo.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

The fact that one girl is being paid more than the other surfaces: it always does.

Another problem with the girls: three-ways.

Sure, easy as a Pimp to book and arrange, but -- inevitably -- the fact that one girl is being paid more than the other surfaces: it always does.

So the threesome is going, and the more attractive / more expensive girl is doing most of the fucking, while the lesser girl is basically watching and feigning interest while occasionally licking the guy's balls as he bangs the other chick. Worse: occasionally a requested rim-job.

Point of contention: the cheaper girl, in a three-way, gives the rim-job. There is no extra money in it, just: rim-job.

And: some customers have better hygiene than others. Anally.

You have to lick the cards you were dealt.

I am Laslo.

It was easy to picture her dressed in business attire, working as an assistant at an accounting firm and rejecting the sexual advances of her boss based on principle.

Misty: she was a strange one. Good schools, good parents: it was easy to picture her dressed in business attire, working as an assistant at an accounting firm and rejecting the sexual advances of her boss based on principle.

I didn't expect her to last long in the business, but she surprised me: worked six years straight.

She just liked cock: as simple as that.

A shame about her lazy eye.

I am Laslo.

Who needs a Pimp? YOU need a Pimp, Tiffany.

Tiffany was consistently a problem: she was a Prize, and unfortunately she knew it. She would occasionally make comments about not needing a pimp to the other girls, that she could go it alone as a call-girl and service only the best customers.

This is where networking is important. For instance, a drug-dealer acquaintance can always hook you up with an addict in desperate need.

So you pay the addict $200 to have an appointment with the troublesome girl and have him rough her up a bit -- some slaps, some hair-pulling, maybe a little light choking: nothing that will damage the goods, of course.

Then you bust in the door and beat the shit out of him in front of the girl. Sure, the guy gets a beat-down, but now he has money for his drugs, so it all works out.

Who needs a Pimp? YOU need a Pimp, Tiffany.

I am Laslo.


Coral: there was a fine working girl. Cheerful, optimistic, enthusiastic. 

She knew she was always a second choice to Angela, but she made the best of it, and soon the second-choice became first-choice for many of the returning clientele. Hell, she even cuddled afterward with some of her select regulars -- a break in protocol, sure, but it was part of her charm.

Adding a Cheerleader outfit to her repertoire certainly didn't hurt matters any.

However, this kind of a girl will always end up with a customer who wants to save her from the business and make her a home.

Sometimes you have to beat down a customer for putting the wrong thoughts in a girl's head.

As long as you don't leave them with a broken nose or black eye they will return.

I am Laslo.


It is important for a girl to know her market. Suki, the Japanese girl in the schoolgirl outfit with thigh-high white socks, was worth $350 and more.

Until she got a spray-tan.

A Japanese girl in a schoolgirl outfit with thigh-high white socks may well be worth $350, but an orange Japanese schoolgirl is only going to bring $150, tops.

It is about keeping the illusion, girls.

I am Laslo.

Markets fluctuate.

Markets fluctuate. Angela was a $150 girl for quite awhile, until she became a $75 girl.

Angela always thought she had a weight problem, and the bulimia kept her thin save for the breast implants -- with less of a gag reflex, which is actually a plus in her profession.

However, she then started to dabble in meth. Soon thin became gaunt and teeth became loose. Men, when enjoying a blow-job, do not like to see a tooth come out in the midst of the activity.

So: a $75 dollar girl, on her way to the $50 bracket. Needless to say, Heather loved watching this happen.

My point: between bulimia and meth, err to the side of bulimia.

I am Laslo.


I tried subtly to explain to Angela the importance of vaginal hygiene.

"Angela," I said, "You are a business, like any other business -- like a Starbucks, say."

"People will gladly splurge on the coffee beverages, but if they go into the restroom and the toilet is stuffed up with paper towels, there are puddles of urine on the floor and there is shit and hair in the sink, well, they probably won't return to that particular Starbucks for their next coffee."

She didn't get it.

At least Heather with missing teeth knew enough to use Listerine.

You can lead a whore to water etc etc.

I am Laslo.

It is how the free-market works.

Back when I was Pimping one of the trickiest parts of the business was assigning prices to the individual girls.

Sure, they all want to be special, but very few men are going to pay $150 for a $50-caliber girl, it is how the free-market works.

Now you have the situation where Heather is mad that she is only a $50 lay when Tiffany gets $200. Heather: you will never break into the $100+ category when you are missing that many teeth. Even anal will top out at $75 for you, child.

The problem is compounded when Tiffany brags about her status, how she makes more than the other girls and doesn't even have to do anal.

This kind of division can ruin a stable quickly. And then there is always an 'Angela'.

Angela will earn $150 from a customer. Once. At that price, though, men expect a certain level of vaginal hygiene, and -- when it is not up to a suitable standard -- their next visit will be with Misty or Coral. Girl, do the maintenance.

And then their is the sensitive subject that is race. There are a lot of white husbands out there looking for some side action, and they are -- shall we say -- more 'comfortable' with the white girls. Add supply-and-demand and you have tensions in the workplace. 

This is exacerbated by the fact that -- when a white man chooses a black girl -- he is probably only in it for a blow-job, and blow-jobs cost less. I am not saying you should exclude minorities from your stable, but you have to be aware of pitfalls before they happen.

The other side of the race issue are the Japanese girls. Put a Japanese girl in a schoolgirl outfit with thigh-high white socks and she is worth $350, easy. Add anal and you're at least at half-a-grand.The shoe is now on the other foot, white girls.

In other words: Pimping ain't easy.

I am Laslo.

Being bold doesn't mean that you can't cry when you need to.

Interview Excerpt Part One:

Diane Sawyer: So -- even as a child -- you felt that you were meant to be a woman?

Jenner. Yes, yes, I did. Ever since I first menstruated.

Diane Sawyer: Wait a minute: menstruated?

Jenner: Yes. It really opened my eyes to my place in the world.

Diane Sawyer: But you were male as a child. Male children don't menstruate.

Jenner: Dianne, this is why it is so, so tough to talk about this subject. Everyone doubts you, they think you are just -- you know -- cuckoo.

Diane Sawyer: I don't mean to doubt you. I realize this is a sensitive issue; I just think the people of America would be enlightened by the… 'physics' of your first menstruation.

Jenner: Well, obviously I didn't have a female's reproductive organs, but I FELT it, I felt it inside -- like inside my heart, you know?

Diane Sawyer: And what exactly did this feeling feel like then, your menstruating from your heart?

Jenner: See? There it is.

Diane Sawyer: There is what?

Jenner: That condescending straight-woman attitude: like MY experience being a woman doesn't compare to yours, just because you were lucky enough to bleed naturally from your vagina when you were twelve…

Diane Sawyer: I do not mean to be condescending -- it is just that there IS a difference, most people would think, between biological menstruation and, well, an empathetic menstruation.

Jenner: You know, since I've begun this journey I never really realized just how hateful women can be to each other. 

Diane Sawyer: Maybe we can move along to another subject…?

Jenner: Let me guess: you want to know about my cock.

Diane Sawyer: That IS a subject of conjecture to the public…

Jenner: Sure it is. Cock cock cock, cock cock cock. Everyone wants to know about my cock. Not my hopes, my dreams; no -- my cock. 

Diane Sawyer: Well, I --

Jenner: Cock cock cock, cock cock cock.

Diane Sawyer: I just --

Jenner: Cock cock cock, cock cock cock COCK.

Diane Sawyer: Perhaps we should go to a break….

Jenner: Suck it.

I am Laslo.

Dianne Sawyer: How about we return to that special night in Hollywood…?

Jenner: Oh, yes, yes. "The Vagina Monologues."

Dianne Sawyer: What was it about that night: the words? the performances? the overall experience?

Jenner: Well: I listened to all of these women talk about their vaginas, and I just knew.

Dianne Sawyer: Knew what, exactly?

Jenner: That those stories were about ME -- the ME that I was hiding, even from myself.

Dianne Sawyer: It sounds like you experienced an epiphany.

Jenner: I did, I did. I even peed a little, right there in my seat.

Dianne Sawyer: Were you able to share this experience with anybody?

Jenner: Later that night I picked up a transsexual hooker off the street and she put a finger up my butt.

Dianne Sawyer: You were now open to experimentation, is that it?

Jenner: Oh, no, no: I had been with transsexual hookers before, I've had them put their finger up my butt a hundred times. Some very pretty fingernail colors, too.

Dianne Sawyer: So what was it about this particular experience?

Jenner: I just had the realization that the finger up my butt could become a finger in my very own vagina, if only I was bold enough to make it happen.

Dianne Sawyer: This HAS taken a lot of boldness from you, hasn't it?

Jenner: I've learned an important lesson through this.

Dianne Sawyer: And that is…?

Jenner: Being bold doesn't mean that you can't cry when you need to. And -- since then -- I have been bold enough to cry. Cry in the privacy of my room, cry in the car at traffic lights while listening to Cher and Mariah Carey: I have the FREEDOM to cry.

Dianne Sawyer: That is a very wise lesson.

Jenner: Lesson?

Dianne Sawyer: Yes, yes indeed.

Jenner: Lesson, like now I need to take lessons on how to be a woman? Lessons?

Dianne Sawyer: That isn't what I was saying --

Jenner: Don't condescend to me, bitch.

I am Laslo.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

It seems to be a thing.

When we have sex Scarlett Johansson can indeed be quite noisy. Throaty, husky, etc; the occasional exclamation of "Daddy." 

When it gets really intense she bites down on the Laslo Pillow. 

Yes: Scarlett Johannson is a pillow-biter. She bites pillows. Bites, grinds, gnashes.

The Laslo Pillow, however, is strongly resilient. As is Laslo.

I am Laslo.

When Scarlett Johannson exclaims "Daddy" what she really means is "Harder! Harder!".

When she exclaims "Mommy!" I know it is time to take it down a notch.

However, when she exclaims "Uncle Eddie!" I don't want to know.

Evidently though, 'Uncle Eddie' had a big penis. From what I can discern.

I am Laslo.

Funny: Jessica Alba also exclaims 'Uncle Eddie' from time-to-time. During sex, that is.

Disconcerting, that.

So -- I guess -- the lesson to parents: watch out for any siblings named Eddie. It seems to be a thing.
I am Laslo.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

I think you can see what I am getting at.

When they make technological advancements on two-headed twelve-inch veined black bulging dildos I really hope they don't test them on little bunny rabbits first. That would just be sick.

I am Laslo.

"When they make technological advancements on two-headed twelve-inch veined black bulging dildos I really hope they don't test them on little bunny rabbits first. That would just be sick."

Maybe, for the bunny rabbits, they can use a scaled down version. Size isn't everything. Unless the bunny rabbits say it is.

I am Laslo.

The studies might show that the bunny rabbits prefer the carrot-flavored two-headed twelve-inch veined black bulging dildos. Does this prove that lesbians prefer carrot-flavoring, too?

I think you can see what I am getting at.

I am Laslo.

What if the test was done on squirrels? And the squirrels preferred the two-headed twelve-inch veined black bulging dildos that tasted like nuts?

Does that mean that lesbians like the taste of nuts, too?

I meant to do that.

I am Laslo.

I wish now that I could remember what that black man actually looked like.

I've been trying for years to figure out who stole my prototype of Invisibility Serum for Men 25-to-54.


All this time I thought it was the North Koreans.

I am Laslo.

I kept my my prototype of Invisibility Serum for Men 25-to-54 in the fake stereo receiver in the dashboard of my car.

Who would've thought someone would know to look there.


I am Laslo.

However: I remember seeing a black man loitering by the passenger window of my parked car while I was walking away.

I wish now that I could remember what that black man actually looked like.


I am Laslo.

I do not mean to imply all black men look the same. I can tell the difference between Denzel Washington and Samuel L. Jackson.

Depending on the team of the hat they are wearing.

I am Laslo.

I am sorry that my Scientific Discovery has rendered black men from 25-to-54 invisible. My Scientific Discovery of rendering All Women 25-to-54 inaudible is still in progress.

I am Laslo.