Thursday, March 30, 2017

"Can we not talk about that? The Black-Outs are when I am most at Peace..."

"Thank you for calling Lesbian Counseling Hotline, my name is Kylie, how may I assist you...?"

"This is.... Ilsa. I'm am struggling with my lesbianism."

'I understand, Ilsa: living an honest life as a lesbian can be tough indeed..."

"I mean, I did the whole sham marriage thing, the squicky kid thing: it was expected, right? I stood by my man and hid my true self, and when it was MY turn I STILL didn't get elected -- I mean, I didn't get the promotion. That promotion to... Company President. I feel like I have lived a lie..."

"Ilsa, it is common for lesbian women of a certain age to go through what you have gone through, and to feel that way. Are you abusing drugs or alcohol, Ilsa?"

"Can we not talk about that? The Black-Outs are when I am most at Peace..."

"Okay, Ilsa: we can talk about this later. Are you in a committed relationship with a woman right now?"

"I was... She was my assistant, but we kind of drifted apart after I lost the... Promotion."

"Ilsa, work isn't everything, right? Was your quest for your 'promotion' interfering with your desire to live as a proud lesbian woman?"

"Yes! Yes! I had to hide my real self, and then everyone said I seemed fake and insincere!"

"That's common, Ilsa, when we try to live a life that is not in harmony with our True Self. Perhaps it is time to let go of the Work Life and find time for the Real You. Tell me something about the Real You, Ilsa..."

"Well...  I like money..."

"Let's dig deeper, Ilsa--let's dig deeper..."

"OK, OK: I was addicted to making money any way I could to fill the hole left by not being able to be myself and freely eat pussy."

"Does that feel better, Ilsa, saying that out loud?"

"Yes: yes it does. I LIKE TO EAT PUSSY!"

Say it again, Ilsa -- let it out..."


"See, Ilsa? Isn't it better, being true to your feelings?"


"VERY good, Ilsa. Now what would be a first step for you in being your true self in Public?"

"Maybe I could wear different clothes."

"Go on, Ilsa..."

"I REALLY like leather. Maybe I could get a Lesbian Haircut and wear Leather Ass-less Chaps."

"Are you ready for that, Ilsa?"

"I don't know. Maybe I'll just start with a sensible leather jacket..."

"That's good, Ilsa: you don't have to do it all at once..."

"You're Right! Maybe I should just take slow, steady steps, and then -- by 2020 -- people will be ready to give That Lesbian Her Promotion!"

"Ummm... Ilsa, I know you don't want to talk about alcohol and drugs, but I need to ask: are you drunk right now?"

"Uhhh... yes: yes I am. How did you know?"

"I knew because you have called me dozens of times, and we have had this very same conversation, yet you never remember it."

"Really? And was I shitting my pants those times, too...?"

I am Laslo.

It turns out I was guilty of Heteronormative Thinking, so I shut up before I ruined the possibility of getting a blow-job this weekend...

Alan Allen, College Student with a SJW Girlfriend...

So Jezzy is VERY upset: she and her friends organized a "Restroom Freedom Day," where everyone on campus was encouraged to use whatever facility they wanted to express themselves. I told her this could be a bad idea, but it turns out I was guilty of Heteronormative Thinking, so I shut up before I ruined the possibility of getting a blow-job this weekend...

So "Restroom Freedom Day" turned out to be uneventful. For about two hours. Then, groups of Heteronormative Men entered several of the 'Women's' restrooms in dresses and proceeded to stay there for the day. For some reason they were all wearing Plaid, which -- although I don't know what that meant exactly -- was a nice touch...

Of course, this did not go over well with the Restroom Freedom Day organizers: this was NOT what they meant by expressing one's self. I wanted to say something about Pandora's Box, but: one, that would probably be Patriarchal, and, two: blow-job...

The Organizers then called the Campus Police to remove the Heteronormative Men from the Women's Restrooms, but there was a problem: the Campus Authorities, in support of "Restroom Freedom Day," had instructed the Campus Police to NOT respond to requests to remove people from the restrooms on the account of their sex. I was very careful to keep my laughter on the inside while listening to this...

Now women were complaining that they had to use the Men's Restrooms to feel Safe. Which still made them feel Unsafe. The problem would have been easily solved for these women if they had just thought about the situation a little: simply use the restrooms in the Sciences buildings: the students there ain't got time for that "Restroom Freedom Day" shit. And -- being that there aren't a lot of female students in those buildings, the Women's Restrooms are pretty empty most of the time...

I told Jezzy I sympathized with her, but that I was going to go to the Library to study. Before leaving for the Library, though, I changed into a Plaid shirt. Jezzy didn't like that, but I knew I wasn't going to be getting a blow-job this weekend, anyway...

I am Laslo.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Important thing I have learned: drunk girls ALL have a girlfriend who has been being such a bitch lately...

Guy in the Blue Corolla says....

You have to make mistakes to figure out what the mistakes are. I used to just drive around the city, trying to talk girls into my car, but it rarely worked.  I tried pretending I was lost and asking for directions, then I pretended I needed help looking for my lost kitty kat, and things got a bit better, but I was still unsuccessful far more often than not...

Then -- when I DID get a girl in the car -- I soon realized you can't get the duct tape on their mouth while you are also trying to drive: it just doesn't work. Also: if they are not properly tied up they can jump out of the car at red lights -- people notice those kinds of things, and some may even be able to remember your license plate number...

I realized you get a head-start by picking up girls that are visibly drunk outside of clubs at the end of the night. You tell them "Hey? Remember me? We talked at the bar a week ago -- you told me about that girlfriend of yours who was being such a bitch lately. Need a ride?" Important thing I have learned: drunk girls ALL have a girlfriend who has been being such a bitch lately...

The best part about the drunk girls is that most of them will have passed out by the time you drive a few blocks, which then makes tying them up a LOT easier. Of course, when you duct-tape their mouths it increases the chances that they will choke on their own vomit, so you have to pay attention: this is why it is also important to keep a plastic bucket in the back seat -- I learned THAT one the hard way...

I could tell you more, but I don't want to give away ALL of my hard-earned secrets. Sometimes you just have to decide you're going to do what you're going to do, and then figure things out on the way. One last piece of advice, though: if you do not know how to tie a good, sturdy knot you are NOT ready yet....

I am Laslo.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

1. What the Fuck is with the Guy fucking her and holding the camera?

From the Fauxhaus Blog:

Riley Steele. I'm sure the name might mean something to a few of you out there: it's OK -- your Secret is safe with me...

For those pretending to not know who she is, Riley is an authentically Hot Porn Star. Who doesn't do anal. Except.

She has now released several 'private' Home Videos of her getting pounded in the ass. Yes: she leaked them herself, so you don't have to feel guilty about any of that Invasion of Privacy moral dilemma shit...

A few observations...

1. What the Fuck is with the Guy fucking her and holding the camera? We get it: you're fucking Riley Steele in the ass. She has a nice ass. But would it hurt to show her face more than just a few fleeting moments? She has a pretty face: would it hurt to show some reminders of who the ass belongs to? The constant close-up camerawork renders the video practically anonymous. That said, the dude is SERIOUS about his anal sex...

2. Riley sure likes to dress up a lot. Before they have sex you see her in a cheerleader outfit. In another video she is wearing a Schoolgirl Skirt pushed up above her hips. The Chick's got Style...

3. That Room. In one shot she is kneeling before a bare mattress, and there is all kinds of junk and discarded debris on the floor. Like: everywhere. That ain't Glamour, that's Embarrassing. Some quotes from a Reddit Thread (with NSFW GIF, I'll let you find it on your own) on this:

"That floor is disgusting."

"Very sexy woman - but goddamn disgustingly dirty room."

"Nothing like getting fucked in a crack den I guess..."

"Hopefully they use the money she earned to hire a maid."

"Clean up your room! No way I'd get wet when I have popcorn kernels digging into my knees."

I think you get the idea.

4. Viral Marketing. When an Authentic Hot Chick shows up on the scene there is Great excitement. She is having sex! And she is Authentically Hot! Then the anticipation begins: "when is she going to do anal? Will her NEXT video finally be the one where she does anal?"

Then the realization sinks in: she is one of Those. 'Those' being the Authentically Hot porn stars who DON'T do anal. "Oh: she's too GOOD for anal." And then the audience goes off in search of the Next Hot Girl.

What is an Authentically Hot Girl supposed to do to stay popular? Break down and give them what they want? But they have invested so much Credibility into the "I don't do anal" and to change is to imply Surrender of  Porn Integrity. But Riley: she figured it out.

She won't do anal in a 'real' porn video. But she WILL leak her own home videos of her having anal sex. The circle, squared. She is popular, again. AND it is even better: there is a sense of Intimacy now (despite the camera dude's close-up obsession). These were filmed with her, privately -- and she is now inviting you to Look. Well played, Riley: well played...

And now, back to Point Number 2: was she REALLY dressing up for just the two of them? Or did she know that she planned on leaking them, and dressed for THAT audience? Only she would know: cagey, that Girl...

But this comment isn't about anal sex porn. That is just the example of how Viral Marketing can be used to subvert a Persona, with the Persona's own permission. It is about The Brand: Give Them What They Want, but NOT by Playing The Game. It is practically a Shared Secret, and people like being in on Secrets...

I am sure major Advertising Firms are -- right now -- studying this Case History closely. Expect variations to appear with Mainstream Celebrities in Advertising: the 'Private' world of, say, LeBron James and Sprite. Maybe ketchup products. Ketchup has a lot in common with anal sex, but I'll leave that for another post...

Finally, back to Point Number Three: WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THAT ROOM? I don't know: maybe Scott Adams could explain the reasoning for her showing that....

Time for Poll:

What do you think about Riley Steele and Vital Marketing?

1. I have no idea who Riley Steele is.

2. Sure, I like Riley: I've masturbated to her on more than a few occasions. But I will only admit this anonymously. Of course.

3. Riley is only Exploiting herself. This is NOT Feminism.

4. Riley is Exploiting herself. I LIKE this kind of Feminism.

5. Riley has done anal sex? Really? Did you say Reddit?

6. What does Ketchup have to do with anal sex, anyway?

I am Laslo.

"I like the 'she' better, Teacher. Easy to remember only two."

"Welcome back Class to Basic English as a Second Language. Today we will be covering pronouns. Carlos, if Maria went to the store, and someone asked you where Maria went, how would you say that in English?"

"She went to the store."

"That's good Carlos, but that may be incorrect."

"What I do wrong?"

"You identified Maria as 'she'."

But Maria, she is a she, no?"

"That depends on if Maria identifies as a 'she'. She may choose to identify as a zie, sie, ey or ve."

"Sorry: I do not get?"

In America we recognize people's choices as to their chosen Identity. There are many choices, and it is best to learn the right one for that person."

"I do not the understand: in my country they is only the two choices."

"And Carlos, you have escaped your backwards little country to be in America. Why don't you address Maria and ask her how she wishes to be addressed."

"Okay... Maria? Are you a 'she'?"

"Wrong, Carlos. You are assuming she is a 'she' with your question. That can be hurtful."

"I no mean to hurt the Maria. She is very nice to me."

"See, Carlos? You did it again. You said "SHE is very nice." In reality, you might have needed to say 'Zie is very nice', 'Sie is very nice', 'Ey is very nice' or 'Ve is very nice'."

"But how do I know what it is to say?"

"You would begin like this: "Nice to meet you Maria. How would you like to be addressed?"

"Okay, I try. 'Maria, how you like the address'?"

"And what do you say back, Maria?"

"Uh... I say I am Maria?"

"That's good Maria, but using names only adds confusion. How would you identify yourself without using your name?"

"What again the choices?"

"Zie, sie, ey or ve."

"I like the 'she' better, Teacher. Easy to remember only two."

"Maria, you must understand: by using only the binary 'she' or 'he' you are causing great pain to others."

"Maybe I wrong, but if they don't the know if they is 'He or 'She' maybe they already in Great Pain?"

"Maria, this is Important. Not everyone is Cisgender."


"Yes. It is the word used for people whose gender identity matches the sex that they were assigned at birth."

"Assigned? Are they not just boy or girl?"

"I see this is going to take some time for you all to process. Everyone, take out your pencils. I want you to write "I can be zie, sie, ey or ve" one-hundred times."

"But I don't even the know what those mean."

"That is not important yet, Maria. What IS important is that the person you address knows what they mean..."

"My mother back home, she told me America is crazy place."

"SHE told you?" Maria? Perhaps your Mother chooses to identify as a Male."

"In America I now don't know if my Mother is Boy or Girl? Learning English is HARD..."

I am Laslo.

Of course I am.

Though I view her with Contempt, even Gwyneth Paltrow joins Laslo's America:

Gwyneth answers all your burning questions about anal sex 

I am moving the Overton Window, one comment at a time.

I am Laslo.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

"Motivation? How about I am motivated to NOT SHIT MY PANTS?"

"Obama Made Me Shit My Pants."

So I'm at this Diner with some friends, and -- midway through the meal -- something doesn't settle in my stomach quite right. I excuse myself from the table and head with purpose to the restroom, when I am stopped at the door by two men in black suits.

"Sorry, sir, you can't go in there."

"What? Why?"

"We're Secret Service. President Obama is currently in there."

"I promise I won't bother him or anything; I just really need to use the bathroom."

"Not while The Man is in there, sir."

"He'll be done in a minute, right? 'Cause I REALLY need to take a crap."

"President Obama is currently occupying the stall. For as long as he believes it necessary."

"Obama is in there? Taking a shit?"

"Yes, sir."

"That's funny. You never think of a President taking a shit."

"WE think of it constantly, sir, and it is our job to be prepared and to protect him while he is indisposed."

"Was it the food? Because the food here is getting REALLY funky in my stomach."

"We are not at liberty to say, sir."

"How about the Women's Restroom? Can I use that? 'Cause I'm about to explode, if you know what I mean."

"'Explode' is not a good world to use in the proximity of the President. It has connotations: we might have to write a report."

"Okay, okay: what I meant was I'm about to fucking shit my pants, all right? Can I PLEASE use the Women's Restroom?"

"We can't let you do that, sir. ALL facilities are closed when the President is conducting his business."

"What the Hell am I supposed to do then? Shit in the parking lot?"

"If you do that, sir, we'll have to file a report. We report on all suspicious activity surrounding the President."

"Suspicious activity? There won't be anything suspicious about it -- it'll be a MOUNTAIN of crap."

"We cannot be sure of your motivations with such an action."

"Motivation? How about I am motivated to NOT SHIT MY PANTS?"

"Sir, your tone can be construed as threatening..."

"Sorry -- sorry: my mistake. Uh -- how long does he normally take?"

"We document the duration of his visits, but the Information is Classified."

"You time how long it takes the President to shit?"

"It helps us in Our Planning. We keep a strict schedule."

"Oh God, this is crazy! This is -- uh oh..."


"I'm shitting my pants."

"You are?"


"Sir --"

"Wait -- Still shitting, here..."

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to file a Report. I'll need to see some Identification."

"Not finished yet..."

"Sir --"

"It's still going. I haven't been like this since I was a tourist in Mexico..."

"Sir -- be quiet for a moment -- they're talking to me on the earphone."

"Is something wrong?"

"It looks like we got a Code Eight."

"Code Eight?"

"Yes. The President has signaled that he requires Air Freshener..."

I am Laslo.

Curious what people would think about that.

exiledonmainstreet said...
"You'd be surprised at how many ex cons will offer to suck your dick for a shot of Jack Daniels" is certainly memorable!"

It only gets better.

I can't really 'release' it while I have it entered in Film Festivals.

The problem is several of these festivals don't announce their decisions until October.

So I am toying with putting "Uncle Bennie Is Coming Home From Prison" on YoTube for a week, set to Private.

Teaser here.

I would then release the Password on Althouse and my Blog, and among friends, letting them pass it on as they saw fit.

Curious what people would think about that.

I am Laslo.

"Even LeBron, baby: even LeBron..."

The Morning After the Game....

"Baby, you were right. I should've been practicing my free-throws. Then I could  have anal sex. And talk about Injustice. As a Winner."

"Nigel, you did the best you could. Basketball isn't everything, you know..."

"Yeah, but now the White Man can criticize me for not being clutch. That's an Injustice, too."

"I know what this is REALLY about, Nigel?"

"Yeah? What's that?"

"It's about getting drafted by the NBA. Don't worry, baby: you'll still be a High Pick. And then you'll be in the NBA, where you can talk about Injustice. And have anal sex."

"You know me better than I know myself, I think."

"Just call it a Transsexual Woman's Intuition."

'Yeah. The NBA is used to the Black Brothers not making free-throws: it's all good."

"About the NBA..."


"A lot of the players have sex with groupies in every city."

"Oh, baby -- I ain't like that --"

"No, no: it's okay. But I want to let you in on a Secret."

:What's that?"

"A LOT of those NBA groupies are transsexuals."

"No shit?"

"Oh, it's common knowledge in the Community. NBA Stars are fucking all kinds of women who still have their cock and balls."

"Wow. Even LeBron?"

"Even LeBron, baby. You know that woman Kobe Bryant was accused of raping?"


"She was a dude. That's why that shit got so out of hand."

"I had no idea..."

"Just wanted to let you know, Nigel. Now how about we have anal sex. And talk about Injustice."

"Sure thing....  ...but even LeBron?

"Even LeBron, baby: even LeBron..."

I am Laslo.

"The White Man ALWAYS criticizes the Brothers for poor free-throw shooting. I'm just going to keep it Real. And have anal sex. And talk about Injustice."

The Night Before The Game...

"Nigel, baby, I realize you are passionate about Social Justice, but this is a Big Game. Maybe you should be at the gym practicing free throws?"

"What's more important, babe? Practicing free throws for the White Man, or reading the latest important essays on Injustice and having anal sex with my girlfriend?"

"I know, I know. I'm just saying we could have anal sex AFTER the game, that's all. And talk about Injustice."

"The White Man ALWAYS criticizes the Brothers for poor free-throw shooting. I'm just going to keep it Real. And have anal sex. And talk about Injustice."

"But wouldn't you like to be remembered for winning the game thanks to your clutch free-throws? That would be nice, I would think. Then you could REALLY talk about Injustice. And have anal sex."

"If we win the White Man makes money -- I don't see a dime of it. THAT'S Injustice. The only thing I can get as a student athlete is anal sex. And the ability to talk about Injustice."

"I just don't want you to regret missing a Big Opportunity."

"The Big Opportunity is for the White Man to make more money at my expense. I'd rather get my nuts off having anal sex with my girlfriend. And talking about Injustice."

"I guess you have to do what you think is right, Nigel. I support you, one-hundred-and-ten percent."

Oh, baby, you know how I hate that "one-hundred-and-ten percent" expression. It says a Black man giving one-hundred-percent is still not doing enough. Shit."

"I'm sorry; I know better. You've taught me."

"You know, baby, it doesn't ALWAYS have to be anal sex. We could do the Vanilla Vagina stuff too, once in a while..."

"Ummm.... About that: I've been meaning to tell you something..."

"What is it, babe?"

"Nigel, I'm a transexual. We can't have vaginal sex because I don't have a vagina. I still have my cock and balls."


"That's okay, though. We can still have anal sex. And talk about Injustice. As a transsexual, I know a LOT about Injustice."

"Bitch, that ain't Injustice, that's just fucked up!"

"Sure, I get it it: you TALK a Big Game about Injustice, but just because your girlfriend has a cock and balls you get all White Man about it."

"I'm sorry, baby. It's just a lot to think about, you know?"

"Nigel, why don't you go to the gym and practice some free-throws. It might help you clear your mind."

"Baby, I am a man of my word. When I said ""What's more important, babe? Practicing free throws for the White Man, or reading the latest important essays on Injustice and having anal sex with my girlfriend?" I meant it."

"So we're going to have anal sex? And talk about Injustice?"

"Yeah.... Just one thing."

"Sure, baby. What is it?"

"Just don't let me see the cock and balls. I may be Woke, but I ain't ready for that..."

I am Laslo.