Wednesday, March 22, 2017

"Jon Stewart? You know, I used to be on 'Saturday Night Live' back in the day. Some people say I was the 'Jon Stewart' of that time."

Maya, age 22.

Typical Tuesday night: my Service sends me to a politician's hotel room. Old white dude. Jewish, I think, so probably a Democrat, not that it matters -- they're all twenty-nine minutes of talk and a minute of fuck or suck, if they can actually get it up....

The guy welcomes me with some gag about Call Girls and texting, I wasn't paying attention -- I was checking out the room. A lot of these politicians like to try to hide a camera so they can film you fucking them; some even try to hide a camera in the bathroom: Ewwww....

“Uh… I’m Al,” he says, with a creepy grin.

"Sure: Al," I say, setting down my purse.

"I bet you saw me on the news today."

"Sorry. I don't watch the news anymore, since Jon Stewart quit."

"Jon Stewart? You know, I used to be on 'Saturday Night Live' back in the day. Some people say I was the 'Jon Stewart' of that time."


"Yeah. They say there probably wouldn't even have BEEN a Jon Stewart if not for me."

"Wow. Really. My Grandparents used to watch 'Saturday Night Live'. They say it was funny back then."

"It was. Because of me. I was an Important Part of the funny 'SNL'."

"Sure. OK."

"Now I'm a Senator. I fight for the working people. Like you. You know, have you ever thought of joining a Union?"

"My profession doesn't need a Union. We have pimps."

"To-may-to, To-MAH-to," he says, laughing at his joke. If this is what passes for funny, then that old SNL must've sucked, too...

"Have you ever had an abortion?" he then asks. "Because I support 'Planned Parenthood'. I bet a lot of girls in your industry need the occasional abortion."

"Maybe," I say. What a Douchebag.

"You seem.... older than the girls they usually send me."

"Is that a problem?"

“Uh, no offense, but I asked for a ‘young girl’…"

“I get it,” I say. He wants Tabitha, the little blonde who looks like she’s twelve. ALL the old politicians want her. "Sorry. Our young girl is off work today. I don't know, maybe she's getting an abortion."

"Oh," he says, awkwardly staring at his feet. "Well, I hope the Father wasn't ME," he says, with a tight awkward chuckle. "That would've got a big laugh for me back when I was on the show. I was edgy that way."

"Yeah. I bet if she knew it was you she'd keep the baby."

"Really? You think so? She talks about me?"

"No," I laugh. "We only talk about the guys who couldn't get it up."


"Should I have the Service send a younger girl?"

"Uh, yeah: thanks. I'd appreciate that."

"Sure," I say, getting my purse. "You were on 'Saturday Night Live', right? My grandparents would get a kick out of that: what was your name?"

"Uhhh.... Chevy Chase..."

I am Laslo.

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