"Thank you for calling Lesbian Counseling Hotline, my name is Kylie, how may I assist you...?"
"This is.... Ilsa. I'm am struggling with my lesbianism."
'I understand, Ilsa: living an honest life as a lesbian can be tough indeed..."
"I mean, I did the whole sham marriage thing, the squicky kid thing: it was expected, right? I stood by my man and hid my true self, and when it was MY turn I STILL didn't get elected -- I mean, I didn't get the promotion. That promotion to... Company President. I feel like I have lived a lie..."
"Ilsa, it is common for lesbian women of a certain age to go through what you have gone through, and to feel that way. Are you abusing drugs or alcohol, Ilsa?"
"Can we not talk about that? The Black-Outs are when I am most at Peace..."
"Okay, Ilsa: we can talk about this later. Are you in a committed relationship with a woman right now?"
"I was... She was my assistant, but we kind of drifted apart after I lost the... Promotion."
"Ilsa, work isn't everything, right? Was your quest for your 'promotion' interfering with your desire to live as a proud lesbian woman?"
"Yes! Yes! I had to hide my real self, and then everyone said I seemed fake and insincere!"
"That's common, Ilsa, when we try to live a life that is not in harmony with our True Self. Perhaps it is time to let go of the Work Life and find time for the Real You. Tell me something about the Real You, Ilsa..."
"Well... I like money..."
"Let's dig deeper, Ilsa--let's dig deeper..."
"OK, OK: I was addicted to making money any way I could to fill the hole left by not being able to be myself and freely eat pussy."
"Does that feel better, Ilsa, saying that out loud?"
"Yes: yes it does. I LIKE TO EAT PUSSY!"
Say it again, Ilsa -- let it out..."
"I LIKE TO EAT PUSSY! I LIKE TO EAT PUSSY!"
"See, Ilsa? Isn't it better, being true to your feelings?"
"YES!! I LIKE IT WHEN YOUNGER WOMEN EAT OUT MY ASS!"
"VERY good, Ilsa. Now what would be a first step for you in being your true self in Public?"
"Maybe I could wear different clothes."
"Go on, Ilsa..."
"I REALLY like leather. Maybe I could get a Lesbian Haircut and wear Leather Ass-less Chaps."
"Are you ready for that, Ilsa?"
"I don't know. Maybe I'll just start with a sensible leather jacket..."
"That's good, Ilsa: you don't have to do it all at once..."
"You're Right! Maybe I should just take slow, steady steps, and then -- by 2020 -- people will be ready to give That Lesbian Her Promotion!"
"Ummm... Ilsa, I know you don't want to talk about alcohol and drugs, but I need to ask: are you drunk right now?"
"Uhhh... yes: yes I am. How did you know?"
"I knew because you have called me dozens of times, and we have had this very same conversation, yet you never remember it."
"Really? And was I shitting my pants those times, too...?"
I am Laslo.