Monday, November 30, 2015

Now make the unfunny version funny again, but different.


Alt-Comedy:

Think of something funny.

Make it purposefully unfunny.

Now make the unfunny version funny again, but different.

And not TOO funny.

Riff.

Purposefully negate the Riff by now abandoning it.

Riff on abandoning the Previous Riff.

Replace funny with clever.

Provide relief to the audience by being funny again. Maybe even sentimental: you've earned the right to go there.

You've been a great audience.

Applause.


I am Laslo.


http://althouse.blogspot.com/2015/11/how-to-live-alternative-comedy-life.html

"One way, though, you get to keep your panties."


"How's that feel, baby?"

"Oh Kobe, that feels sooo good."

"I aim to please. Now bend over: I'm going to do you in the butt."

"Uh, I'd really rather not..."

"C'mon baby: let Kobe do you in the butt. I do everyone in the butt. Except my wife."

"But I don't want to do it in the butt."

"All the girls love Kobe doing it in their butt. You'll be able to tell all your friends: Kobe did me in the butt. Doesn't that sound good? They'll be all jealous and shit."

"Doing it in the butt doesn't sound good at all, Kobe..."

"Baby, I let you in this room just so I could do you in the butt. Are you saying Kobe made a bad decision?"

"No, Kobe, it's just that --"

"--Then bend over and let me do you in the butt."

"Kobe, no..."

"There are only two ways you are leaving this room, and both ways are after I do you in the butt. One way, though, you get to keep your panties."

"Kobe, that's rape."

"It can't be rape, little girl -- I'm an NBA Star. Got my own Shoe and everything."

"It's still rape I think."

"It ain't rape if you just let me do it. C'mon, baby: let me do you in the butt."

Then she kicked him in the balls and left the room.

I think everything is accurate except that last part.


I am Laslo.


http://althouse.blogspot.com/2015/11/what-if-nyt-put-up-fawning.html

From that period where no one liked them anymore before everyone did again.


So I went to a Trump Rally, just to be able to say it was something I did: you know, wink-wink Ha Ha.

I won't bore you with Trump jokes, mostly because all the good ones have been taken already. But his hair. Anyway.

I spent most of my time just wearing my early-eighties Aerosmith shirt -- from that period where no one liked them anymore before everyone did again -- and looking at the crowd.

The crowd, let's face it, was what you would expect: old and white. I'd make a Old Folks Bingo Game reference, but that would be Old School.

One old white guy caught my eye in particular: he was wearing a red-white-and-blue shirt with a trucker cap hat that said "Make America Great Again."

First of all: trucker caps are only supposed to be worn ironically, preferably with the name of a cool small tavern in some town you never went to because you bought the cap at a Vintage store.

And I think America is already great. You know,local Breweries and iPhones. But I like the Chinese, too, because they are the ones that actually put those damned iPhones together. I would hate that job, but they must be OK with it.

So I am looking at this old white guy, and I realize he is old enough and white enough to be my Grandfather. If my Grandfather hadn't died in Vietnam. Where we were making America Great Again. I guess. Too bad he couldn't have died in World War Two, because that at least was a cool war.

Speaking of World War Two: did I tell you at the Trump Rally I was surrounded by a sea of white people looking adoringly at their leader? I don't want to make a Nazi reference, but I think I just did.

So after the rally I got a ride with Uber and met up with some friends at a local indie brewery. What do you know, one of my friends had a new trucker cap with the name of a cool small tavern in some town he never went to. This town was in Vermont, and Vermont is cool.

Anyway, they couldn't believe I went to the Trump Rally, except I did and they did believe it, they just 'didn't believe it' in that way of letting me know I had edgy indie cred.

They asked what it was like, so I pretty much told them the above. Without the snark on trucker caps, of course: I wouldn't want to hurt my friend's feelings.


I am Laslo.



Sunday, November 29, 2015

"My Authentic Self abhors violence. I just don't want this Gay Guy sucking my Cock."



"People, we are the only Me we Will Be, The Me of You and You Alone. You, in the second row: what is your Authentic 'Me'?"

"The Inauthentic Me was weak, afraid, paranoid. I now realize the Inauthentic Me was just hiding myself from Exploiting the weakness and fear of Others. The Authentic Me knows I am not Paranoid, but Fully Aware, and this Awareness enables me to Identify the Inauthenticity in other People."

"I'm not really sure you should use the word "exploit," but otherwise I think you have made Great Progress."

"Yeah. Like I can tell that the guy to my left is Gay. Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay."

"What? I'm not gay!"

"Just let your Inauthentic Self keep telling you that."

"But I'm not gay!"

"You are not just Gay, you are Ashamed to be Gay. You gotta get Authentic, man."

"I am NOT Ashamed because I am NOT Authentically Gay!"

"So your Authentic Self believes Gays should be Ashamed?"

"I didn't say that!"

"It is common for People with Shame to project that Shame on others."

"I am not projecting anything, you asshole!"

Oh. You are Ashamed to be Gay and now you view me as an Asshole? Like an Asshole to be fucked Homosexually? Is that it? Do you not see how your Authentic Self is crying out to be heard?"

"My Authentic Self wants to kick your ass --"

"People! People! Self-Authentification can be hard, but we must not resort to violence."

"My Authentic Self abhors violence. I just don't want this Gay Guy sucking my Cock."

"I DO NOT want to suck your cock!"

"It's a fine cock. Do you not even want to see it?"

"I DO NOT want to look at your cock!"

"Um -- Excuse me?"

"Yes, yes: you in the back."

"Well, I'm Authentically Gay, and I am more than willing to suck on the Gay Guy's cock."

"I am NOT Gay!"

"People, I believe we need to let this Man have the Emotional Room he needs to make Peace with his Authentic Gay Self: Awareness doesn't necessarily come overnight."

"But. I. Am. NOT. Gay."

"Dude, Just because you haven't sucked on a cock yet doesn't mean you're not Gay."

"People! Listen Inward, because that is where All Truth will be found."

"Can we -- please -- just move onto someone else?"

"I think that is a good idea. You, in the fourth row?"

"I have learned that my Authentic Self likes to grope women on buses..."


I am Laslo.


"I Am Jizz", the touching story of a Young Boy who wants to grow up to be a Gay Porn Star.

The character in the book “I am Jazz” is based on "on the real-life experience of Jazz Jennings, who has become a spokesperson for transkids everywhere" according to Google.

Didn't realize that.

Google's "People also search for" also recommended "Mommy, Mama, and Me," "Heather Has Two Mommies," and (not making this up) "Jacob's New Dress."

The Google description:

"Jacob loves playing dress-up, when he can be anything he wants to be. Some kids at school say he can't wear "girl" clothes, but Jacob wants to wear a dress to school. Can he convince his parents to let him wear what he wants? "

Yep.

I am Laslo.

____


"I Am Jazz Hands", the touching story of a Young Boy who desperately wants to grow up to be a Chorus Girl on Broadway.

I am Laslo.


____


"I Am Jizz", the touching story of a Young Boy who wants to grow up to be a Gay Porn Star.

I am Laslo.


_____


"I Am Pizz", the touching story of a Young Boy who enjoys Golden Showers from Adult Men.

I am Laslo.


____


"I Am Jan", the touching story of a Young Girl who desperately wants to be popular like her older sister Marcia. Who is a Lesbian.


I am Laslo.



http://althouse.blogspot.com/2015/11/wisconsin-school-nixes-reading-of-book.html


"Do you want to wear little girls' clothing, Suzy?"


"Davey, do you have any questions about the book we are reading?"

"Mr. Swanson, I would like you to start calling me Suzy."

"You identify as a girl, Dav-- I mean, Suzy?"

"Sure. Yeah."

"Have you talked about this with your parents?"

"No I haven't."

"I can imagine that would be difficult. Do you want to wear little girls' clothing, Suzy?"

No, I'm fine as I am, Mr. Swanson."

"Identifying one's true gender takes a lot of bravery, Suzy. Can I ask how you came to your determination?"

"Mr. Swanson, I figure if I'm a little girl you'd stop sucking my cock after class."



I am Laslo.


Saturday, November 28, 2015

"I have been Inauthentic for too long, denying my needs."


"You, the young man in the second row."

"Yes?"

"What have you realized to be the most Inauthentic Part of You?"

"I... I guess the Most Inauthentic Part of Me is the being Gay part."

(crowd mumbles)

"And by knowing that, how does that make you more Authentic?"

"The Authentic Me is a Healthy, Happy Heterosexual that just likes to suck on men's cocks, sometimes."

(crowd noise of agreement)

"I mean, sometimes I REALLY got to suck on a man's cock -- like: really bad. But that doesn't make me Gay, it just makes me Authentic."

(crowd applause)

"And you, Ms, next to him."

"Ummm -- I'm not finished yet."

"Please then, continue."

"Sometimes the Authentic Me wants to feel a cock in my ass."

(crowd mumbles)

"I feel you are making Progress, but perhaps you have misidentified your Authenticity? Perhaps you are Authentically a Gay Man -- how would that sound to you?"

"No, no: I'm as Heterosexual as they come. Some Heterosexual Men like to watch Football. I'm just a Heterosexual Man that likes to suck cock and occasionally have a cock put roughly up my ass. I don't see the Problem."

"There are No Problems here, only Solutions. I just happen to think your Authentic Self is still needing to Truly Emerge."

"Like, go to Gay Bars?"

"If that is what your True Authentic Self desires."

"I go to Gay Bars all the time. It's usually the best place I can Find other Heterosexual Men who will let me suck their cocks. I have no problem with Gay People, it's just that when I get butt-fucked by another Man I prefer him to be Heterosexual."

(crowd mumbles)

"I'm thinking we may need to come back to this. Ms, what was your story?"

"Well, this man is my Husband..."

(crowd gasps)

"No, it's OK: I am comfortable with my Husband being an Authentic Heterosexual Man that likes to suck cock and occasionally have a cock put roughly up his ass. It's just that -- I have needs, too. I have been Inauthentic for too long, denying my needs."

(crowd sounds of approval)

"And what would help you find your Authenticity?"

"I think my Authenticity is that I am a petite White Woman that wants to be fucked by a big black cock. Like a big, black MONSTER cock."

"You've been my Wife all these years, and I never knew."

"That's because you were always out, sucking cocks."

"But sometimes -- as an Authentic Heterosexual Man that likes to suck cock -- I like to suck big black cocks, too."

"What about Big Black Monster Cocks?"

"Whatever I can get my mouth around, honey."

"You know, we might be able to work our Authenticity out, together...."

"See, People: two People being Authentic, leading to an Authentic Life they will live together. THAT'S Authenticity!

(crowd applause)

I am Laslo.


http://althouse.blogspot.com/2015/11/if-youre-going-to-be-leader-youre-going.html