asymmetrical, inconsistent in color, speckled, blandly shaped.

I had an encounter with one of Brooks' 'Kind of people' today.

I was at Starbucks, drinking a three-shot diuretic, when I went to visit the single bathroom.

A woman passed in front of me: Yoga pants, expensive jacket, expensive purse, expensive hair.

She smiled, then slipped into the restroom in front of me.

Fine.

Moments pass, and I try not to hear the sound of a dinosaur slowly giving birth to a large dry egg.

For a moment there is the sound of running water, but no sound of a paper towel being pulled from the dispenser.

Worse: no flush.

She exits the bathroom with a precious grin on her face, and hands me a Starbucks Napkin in the process.

There is no phone number on the Starbucks napkin, so I know that sex is not going to be a part of this story.

I enter the bathroom, close the door and lift the toilet lid -- and seat, I am all for etiquette -- and there it is, floating serenely in the bowl.

The Turd Of The Entitled.

There is nothing special about the Turd: asymmetrical, inconsistent in color, speckled, blandly shaped.

The room does not smell of roses.

I no longer find it as urgent to urinate.

I leave the restroom, and take a quick peek in the Starbucks: she is not there.

I exit, and quickly find her in an Audi on her iPhone. I rap hard on her driver's door window, which she opens before realizing that opening the window was a bad idea.

"Eat the fucking napkin" I say, shoving it towards her mouth.

She is now fumbling to raise the window but doesn't want to let go of the iPhone.

"Eat the fucking napkin!"

Sadly, she does not eat the napkin. She hits Reverse, and promptly smacks into a car waiting in the Drive Thru.

My Good Deed done, I head back into the Starbucks to flush the toilet, but I think there is someone in there, masturbating.

Masturbating to The Turd Of The Entitled.

For a brief moment I Hate Everybody.


I am Laslo.


http://althouse.blogspot.com/2015/11/its-not-most-poorly-timed-nyt-article.html