Saturday, April 30, 2016

"It's okay," she replied. "I haven't pooped once since I was nineteen. I'm on an AMAZING diet."


I met Gwyneth Paltrow at a party once. I was at the bar and she sat beside me, doing this annoying fingers-through-hair-and-toss thing,

Anyway, I told her that I despised her, but it only turned her on.

"How much do you despise me?" she asked, sipping her custom White Russian made with Ensure.

"A lot," I said, lighting a cigarette.

"Tell me more," she said.

"I find you pretentious and twee," I replied. "No," I corrected myself. "You WISH you could be Twee in that wispy British way, but you can't even do that right."

I thought that might break her spirit, but instead she grabbed my belt and dragged me behind her to a stall in the women's bathroom.

"Fuck me in my pale ass," she said, her voice suprisingly husky for...well: for Gwyneth Paltrow."

"I'm not interested," I said."

"It's okay," she replied. "I haven't pooped once since I was nineteen. I'm on an AMAZING diet."

"That can't be good for you," I said.

"Break the Seal," she implored.

So I thought of Scarlett Johannson and fucked her in the ass.

Note: this happened before I ever fucked Scarlett Johannson in the ass. I would never cheat on Scarlett once we made it to anal. I am a gentleman.


I am Laslo.


http://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/04/yes-thats-totally-classy-cover-to-book.html



The potentially best money-shot of all time cinema, and Fincher couldn't pull the trigger.


You might think that these women are marginal in any real talent is why there is dislike, but that would be elitist and wrong: Gwyneth Paltrow IS talented, but she does this fashion air-kiss empty shit, too.

Most disappointing part of a great movie: "Seven" -- we get to the end, we realize that Gwyneth Paltrow's head is in the box, even Brad Pitt realizes Gwyneth Paltrow's head must be in the box, but do WE get to see inside the box?

No.

The potentially best money-shot of all time cinema, and Fincher couldn't pull the trigger.

If they had shown Gwyneth Paltrow's severed head in the box I would make it into a GIF and then masturbate and masturbate until there were no fluids left in my body, and then I'd try to masturbate one last time.

When the EMDs arrived and saw my desiccated body they would see the GIF replaying endlessly on my monitor in full HD and understand.


I am Laslo. 


There was a burglary, and there are Mexicans in town: it seems pretty straightforward to me.


A Letter from Miss Harriet Tubman, Kansas, 1954:

No, I am not THAT Harriet Tubman. 

It was bound to happen. Mrs. White's house got broken into and she had pantry supplies stolen. And a pie. Mrs. White makes a great rhubarb pie, everyone knows that.

And everyone knows it was the Mexicans, because we don't have any Negroes around.

Unfortunately, Police Chief Roberts said he couldn't do anything about it because there was no evidence, and all he could do was rough them up a bit. It's nice that he roughed them up a bit, but people in town are angry.

I mean, what more evidence does a person need? There was a burglary, and there are Mexicans in town: it seems pretty straightforward to me.

It seems like the Government is treating the Mexicans better than our own people. Even a Negro would be angry at this, I believe.

I see dark times ahead.


I am Laslo.


http://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/04/we-went-under-fence-and-through-fence.html

I have Faith the right thing will be done, and soon: the politicians can't be THAT stupid.


A Letter from Miss Harriet Tubman, Kansas, 1954:

No, I am not THAT Harriet Tubman. 

Well, that was fast: now there is ANOTHER Mexican in town, working for Mr. Reed at the Hardware Store. The town has managed to do just fine without Negroes, and now we are taking on Mexicans? I thought this was America.

People are suspicious: these two Mexicans sit together in the Town Square at lunch, talking Mexican so we can't hear what they are planning. It can't be good.

With this growing Mexican problem tempers got hot at the Town Council meeting on Tuesday. There has even been talk of building a wall at the south end of town to keep the Mexicans out.

I hope it doesn't come to that. Surely our Government recognizes the problem, and is taking action this very moment. I mean, isn't that the point of Government? To do what's right for the American people?

I might even write a letter to my Congressman. I have Faith the right thing will be done, and soon: the politicians can't be THAT stupid.


I am Laslo.



Problems work themselves out that way sometimes.


A Letter from Miss Harriet Tubman, Kansas, 1954:

No, I am not THAT Harriet Tubman. 

The big news in town is that Mr. Hampton the Grocer hired himself a Mexican. Of course people are upset: there are plenty of white folks around here that could use a job, and I hear Mr. Hampton pays the Mexican even less than what one would pay a Negro.

Sometimes it makes me fear for the future of our Country. I worry that there will be more and more Mexicans, speaking Mexican and taking our jobs and leering at our women. But then I realize that surely our Government wouldn't let that happen: we already have a Negro problem, we don't need to import another.

Maybe the Mexican will realize he isn't wanted here and just go away. Problems work themselves out that way sometimes.


I am Laslo.



Friday, April 29, 2016

And there would be a LOT of cocks.

Barney Frank: The Movie.

Hilarious hi-jinks ensue when staunch heterosexual politician pretends to be gay to pander to constituents and avoid criticism of actions.

By pretending to be gay I mean he sucks cocks.

Not many things funnier than a straight man sucking cocks.

And there would be a LOT of cocks.

And Barney Frank is a straight man, sucking cock after cock after cock.

And all the while he is actually straight.

You can see the hilarity to come.


I am Laslo.


http://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/04/i-saw-that-you-intend-to-portray-my.html

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Ryan Gosling. Sad-eyed face on much too big a head.


Look-alikes to be sucker-punched next:

Jake Gyllenhall. Moon-eyed woe-is-me face.

Ryan Gosling. Sad-eyed face on much too big a head.

Ben Affleck. Used to date Jennifer Lopez face.

Matt Damon. Squeezed donut face.

Brad Pitt. Pretty boy pretending to be soulful face. A second punch for marrying Angelina Jolie. Because.

George Clooney. Insufferably smug motherfucking prick face.

Jeff Goldblum. Pseudo-intellectual self-infatuated face. Like an older Shia LaBeouf, almost.

Philip Seymour Hoffman. Dead, but the lookalike would still deserve it. Puffy squinty self-satisfied pretentious artiste face.

Paul Rudd. Self-aware nice-guy milk face. Punch!

All the male actors in the "Avengers" Series. All of them. You guys are done already. Stop. Mock hero interchangeable faces. Includes Robert Downey Jr: especially.

Paul Giamatti. Quintessential Asking-for-it face.


I am Laslo.



Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Adults always lie, especially to themselves.


Excerpt from "The Wisdom of Laslo"

It sucks to be a child. Everyone tells you what to do, and you have no say in any of it. You can't wait to be an adult and be free to do whatever you want, whenever you want: it can't get here fast enough.

The only thing that sucks more is when you are an adult and realize all the shit you could've gotten away with as a child but were afraid to do. Too late now.

There is no Freedom in adulthood.

The adults that tell you otherwise are lying. Adults always lie, especially to themselves.

Kiss the Girl, dammit.


I am Laslo.


http://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/04/god-rod-and-your-childs-bod-art-of.html

Monday, April 25, 2016

Hova: you let her start thinking of herself as Queen and of course this shit gonna happen.


Trust me, I'm a Pimp and I give Hova mad respect, but you can't let your bitch get all up like that. A Pimp who won't use the Pimp Hand looks weak on the street, you feel me...?

I know she's your Baby Mama and all, but you gotta say "Baby Mama Cut the Drama." Just because your Man likes to have a few slices of other pies don't mean you can disrespect him like that...

Hova: you let her start thinking of herself as Queen and of course this shit gonna happen. She ain't been spending enough time on her knees, if you know what I mean: Face Down Ass Up don't give her the time to be rhyming that shit...

You gotta show your Steel, Hova: make her have to wear her sunglasses inside for awhile, if you get what I'm saying. Now's not the time to get all Vanilla Ice on us: us Pimps need you to make the Stand, or else we get these other bitches thinking themselves ideas...

Remember what you said in "Big Pimpin": 

"You know I - thug em, fuck em, love em, leave em
Cause I don't fuckin need em
Take em out the hood, keep em lookin good
But I don't fuckin feed em
First time they fuss I'm breezin
Talkin bout, "What's the reasons?"
I'm a pimp in every sense of the word, bitch
Better trust than believe em
In the cut where I keep em
til I need a nut, til I need to beat the guts
Then it's, beep beep and I'm pickin em up"

Time to Gangsta Up, my Friend...


I am Laslo.


http://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/04/beyonce-walks-through-street-smashing.html

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Freedom: it makes people rue things that they shouldn't even have'd to have ever even thinked about.


A Letter from Miss Harriet Tubman, Kansas, 1954:

No, I am not THAT Harriet Tubman. 

I am in my thirties now, a spinster, but as a white God-fearing woman I have no real rue or regrets. Maybe that I didn't run off with the Anders boy, but I believe I made God's Choice right proper. Plus he was a strawberry redhead, and that's that.

It must be tough to be a negro, though: you had everything you could have ever possibly wanted -- shelter, food, security, a purpose -- and you gave it all up for Freedom.

Freedom: it makes people rue things that they shouldn't even have'd to have ever even thinked about.

Sure, it's good to be Free, but Free and an empty stomach is just an empty stomach. mostly. I bet a negro's empty stomach isn't much different than the empty stomach of a white man, although maybe there's science there I don't know about.

In Heaven I won't need no Freedom, and wherever negroes end up I hope it's pretty much the same.

Maybe I should read some more books.


I am Laslo.



If I had a slave I'd think I'd like it to be one of those light-skinned negroes best.


A Letter from Miss Harriet Tubman, Kansas, 1954:

No, I am not THAT Harriet Tubman. 

I wish I read more, but the house takes so much time, especially after my younger sister Margaret ran off with that man who sold ointments.

I understand that slavery was a bad thing I guess, but I could see how I might appreciate me having myself one, just to help get things done.

If I had a slave I'd think I'd like it to be one of those light-skinned negroes best. I think I would just be more comfortable with one who wasn't so obviously a negro -- where you maybe had to look at him a moment to decide for sure.

I'd have to build a shack for him out back, but I bet Mr. Anders down the way would do it for me in exchange for some fresh home-baked pies.

I'd make the pies, not the slave, of course: some people don't like negroes touching their food.

That we give me more time for books.


I am Laslo.


Our library doesn't have much use for books about negroes.


A Letter from Miss Harriet Tubman, Kansas, 1954:

No, I am not THAT Harriet Tubman. But I finally read a book about her. The librarian looked at me kind of funny when I asked for it -- our library doesn't have much use for books about negroes.

I read almost all of it, and I have to say I don't quite get it. She could've saved herself a lot of trouble if she simply just waited patiently for slavery to end.

Then she'd be free without all the fuss and bother.

People get in such a hurry; sometimes it's better to just let things take their course. No need to have a Civil War about it. Especially when it's only about negroes.

Besides, I didn't think that negroes got in a particular hurry about anything. At least that's what I've heard. Lazy and shambling.

I think I'll stick to my white books. I like Jane Austen.


I am Laslo.


Saturday, April 23, 2016

No, I don't want to help the slave escape from your trousers.


A Letter from Miss Harriet Tubman, Kansas, 1954:

No, I am not THAT Harriet Tubman. Nor did my parents name me after that negro that helped other negroes escape from their owners.

My parents were poorly educated, and might have even been what we now call retards. Daddy had one dull eye. Still, they were upstanding folk, and I am proud of my name.

I am sorry about the sad state of white gentlemen today, however.

No, I don't want to help the slave escape from your trousers.

No, I do not know Aunt Jemima.

No, your train cannot ride my Underground Railroad.

No, my name will not make me have black babies.

No, I do not care if there is an 'Uprising' by your Ferry.

No, I never met a slave owner named Master Bayter.

I have no opinion on that other Harriet Tubman: I mean, slavery was probably bad and all, but then it couldn't have kept going with such honorable men leading it.

I am just a white woman in Kansas that doesn't personally know any negroes, and I am fine with keeping it this way, God Willing.

Sincerely.

Harriet.


I am Laslo.



http://althouse.blogspot.com/2016/04/id-like-to-hear-ben-carson-talk-about.html

I bet rich men expect their women to bleach their anus.


Girl with the Pony Tail on the Treadmill:

I'd love to go on a cruise someday.

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)

Lay out by the pool in a bikini, look at the ocean.

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)

I bet there are a lot of rich men on the ship.

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)

I'd probably have my anus bleached.

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)

Not that I'm planning for anyone to see my asshole.

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)

No.

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)

But if some rich man happened to see my asshole I'd want it to be the best it could be.

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)

Not that I'd just let a rich man see my asshole.

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)

Still, I'd like to be ready. You never know where someone's head may end up.

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)

I bet rich men expect their women to bleach their anus.

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)

"I met this great girl on the ship."

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)

"But she doesn't bleach her anus."

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)

I bet they think like that.

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)

I'd bleach my anus for an Audi.

(pony-tail swish, pony-tail swish)


I am Laslo.