"America, It's Time for 'Big Bukkake Pay Raise’!”
“Tonight our contestant was chosen by you, the viewers, from an online poll of women who entered a contest for a trip to Los Angeles and a chance on a mystery game-show to win half-a-million dollars….”
“Our new contestant works as an accountant for a large company we can't name on television on advice of our lawyers. How are you liking Los Angeles, Mary?”
"I'm enjoying myself, Sam! It’s sunnier than Ohio, that’s for sure. So what game show am I on?”
“Mary, you are on 'Big Bukkake Pay Raise’!”
“Oh God. I thought it would be, like, the ‘Wheel of Fortune’ or something…”
“No, you are with us, Mary, and you now need to kneel in the First-Round Circle of Shame.”
“I don’t know if I can do this, Sam…”
“Sure you can, Mary. America is pulling for you!”
“Okay, I’ll try…”
“Now that Mary is kneeling in the Circle of Shame we bring on the Bukkake Brigade! Oh my, the first man is ALREADY ejaculating!”
“Oh, God. That almost got in my eye, Sam…”
“Hang in there, Mary, only five more men to go!”
“I think I really want to — ewwwwww!”
“Did you see that, America? Mary just got a classic ‘pearl necklace’!”
“This is horrible, Sam…”
“Mary, remember: people at home in Ohio are rooting for you!”
“I don’t want people back home to see this! I wish I never—“
“Wow! Two men at once, right in the face! After the round we’ll HAVE to see that one again in slow-motion…”
“Sam…”
“Only two more to go, Mary — you can do it!”
“This is disgusting, Sam, this is — Ewwwwww!”
“THAT was a Big Load! One of our Brigade must have been saving up for that one!”
“What do I do to get this to stop?”
“You tap out of The Circle, Mary — but there he goes! The last of the Brigade just fired a shot to Mary’s forehead! Mary: you made it! You completed Round One! Now you have to make a Decision…”
“A decision?”
“You can quit now, and choose between two parting gifts, or you can continue to The Firehose Round…”
“I quit, Sam, I quit. What are the gifts?”
“Mary, you can either have a $100 gift-card, or you can get a towel, now.”
“Oh, God. The towel, please: the towel…”
“America, as Mary towels off let’s give her a big round of 'Big Bukkake Pay Raise’ applause! Mary, say ‘Hello’ to the folks in Ohio for us when you get home!”
“I don’t know if I CAN go home…”
“Sure you can, Mary. I know it: you’ve got spunk…”
I am Laslo.
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