“Hello, Celebrity Sex Doll Enterprises, how may I help you?”
“Uh… yeah. I just purchased one of your products and — well — I’m kinda disappointed, really.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, sir. Which model was it?”
“The Madonna Model.”
“That is one of our finest Replications. What seems to be the problem?”
“Well, I thought the Doll would be… the ‘younger’ Madonna.”
“Sir, Madonna is 58 years old. We spared no expense it making the details perfect.”
“I think that’s my problem. I feel like I’m having relations with my Grandmother.”
“I can see where that could be of concern to some. But she is in great shape for her age.”
“Maybe. It’s just that she’s… sinewy. Sinewy and bony. It’s kinda a turn-off.”
“Our engineers are devoted to accuracy, sir.”
“And the skin on her face seems to be stretched too tight. She’s already tearing on the forehead.”
“Our technicians can surely repair that.”
“Can they fix her hip, too?”
“Is there something wrong with her hip?”
“Yeah: it broke when I had sex with her.”
“Well, you have to be careful with the Older Dolls, sir: they can’t take the pounding like a younger model.”
“And she won’t give a blow-job.”
“There IS something wrong there; the Madonna Model is well programmed for oral sex. What happens when you put her in Oral Mode?”
“She just… talks. She talks about politics, grudges, old boyfriends, old times — she just goes on and on.”
“Sir, that is correct functioning. You have to wait for her to stop talking before she commits to Blow-Job Function.”
“How long does THAT take?”
“An hour, sometimes two, sometimes more: the programming is randomized to give a unique experience each time.”
“You mean I have to listen to her for over an hour just to get to the blow-job?”
“Again: our engineers are devoted to accuracy, sir.”
“And the Blow-Job Function — from what I read in the manual it doesn’t seem to have a Swallow function.”
“That is correct, sir. The Madonna Model NEVER swallows, she only Snowballs.”
“Snowballs?”
“Yes, sir. You can look it up on the Internet if you like.”
“Is it possible that I can send her back and exchange her for a different model? Maybe Kate Upton?”
“From what you have said, sir, she already has a torn forehead and a broken hip. I’m afraid we cannot do a New Exchange for a Model in that condition.”
“This is so disappointing…”
“Well, here is something I CAN do: I can make the exchange for a refurbished Lena Dunham Model: she is younger.”
“That isn’t quite what I had in mind…”
“I assure you, she is still in good condition. Her only malfunction is her Speaking Mode doesn’t work.”
“She can’t speak? Ever?”
“That is correct, sir.”
“I think we have a deal…”
I am Laslo.
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