Dude With Seven Restraining Orders says:
I meet this girl at a bar, and she complimented me on how well dressed I was: she said most men today just dress like overage children. And I DID look sharp: I always dress this way on the days I meet my parole officer, it makes him think I must be living as an upstanding citizen…
We go back to her place and get naked, and now she is excited by my jailhouse tattoos: she’s thinking she’s got the best of both worlds, because all women secretly lust after ex-cons, at least in my experience…
She takes my tie from the clothes on the bed and places it around her neck: would I show her how to tie a tie, she asks, smiling and I say Sure…
I tell her I can’t tie a tie backwards, so I get behind her and wrap my arms around her and grasp the tie. NOW there is a decision to be made. Do I tie the tie, and have mildly exciting average sex? Do I pull her down by the tie and have ex-con rough sex? Or do I strangle her with the tie she herself placed around her neck and then put her still-warm body in the dumpster out back…?
Why do women put me in these situations? Every time I’ve been arrested a woman has been at fault, or at least has been somewhere in the vicinity. Well, that and alcohol. And I guess sometimes meth…
I decide to play it safe: we have mildly exciting average sex, but the tie around her neck taunts me, especially when she tells me to slap her ass: when a woman has sex with an ex-con they almost always ask to be slapped in the ass, it’s a woman thing I guess: some off-shoot of Daddy Issues, probably…
In the morning she says she was a little tipsy, did we use a condom? Of course we did, I say. I mean, we didn’t of course, but it’s not like I came in her or anything, I shot my load on her ass and I didn’t have any sores present…
So I leave in the morning and hail a taxi with the money I stole from her purse. Chicks: when you go home with an ex-con, you get the ex-con experience, OK…?
And, yes, I did put a pubic hair on that one girl's Starbucks cup, but the person who says they saw me do it is lying...
I am Laslo.
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