Saturday, October 1, 2016

"Is that also why Lisa likes watermelon so much?"

"Son, I have something to tell you."

"Yes, Mom?"

"Do you ever wonder how come you're so smart and yet your father is barely a half-step above mentally retarded?"

"The thought has crossed my mind..."

"I only married your father because I was pregnant. I was pregnant by another man, and your father was the only one willing to marry me and save me from the shame of unwed motherhood. It was a different time, back then."

"Okay, Mom..."

"Your father is dumb as can be, but -- God love him -- he has a heart of gold."

"So who is my father?"

"The truth is, son, that I was raped by a rocket scientist."

"You were raped?"

"Yes. By a rocket scientist. I worked as a secretary at the college lab, and one night he held me down with his scrawny rocket-scientist arms and raped me."

"So I am the son of a rocket scientist?"

"Yes, son: you are the son of a rocket scientist rapist. Rocket science and rape."

"I've always loved science."

"Yes, and your father thinks the TV remote control works because of magic rays."

"Do you ever wish it had been different, Mom? You know, being raped and all?"

"No, honey. I got the best of both worlds. I have a devoted husband, even if he is dumb, and I have a son conceived from rocket scientist sperm."

"Thank you for telling me, mom.... Mom?"

"Yes, son?"

"Why is my sister black? Dad isn't black."

"That's because I was later raped by a black man. He hit me over the head, dragged me behind the gas station, and raped me. The police caught him after he stole a car."

"So THAT's why Lisa is so good at stealing cars."

"Yes, son: that is why Lisa is so good at stealing cars."

"Is that also why Lisa likes watermelon so much?"

"Now son, that is racist. Your sister just happens to like watermelon, that's all."

Okay, Mom."

Laslo would know where to go from here.

I am The Replacement Laslo.

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