"Let's go find that cheese, Skeemo!"
"I'm tired, Dipsy. I'm tired of mazes and injections and anal probes."
"Oh, Skeemo. You have to look on the bright side! Maybe you'll be in the placebo group next."
"I'll settle for not being next to the cages of rabbits with the scarred faces and patchy fur from cosmetics testing. Poor bunny bastards: they can't even close their eyes because their eyelids are burned away."
"Skeemo, everything we are subjected to helps people. Think of it as a calling."
"Yeah? Wait until you're a subject in the people's New Improved Rat Poison tests, then we'll see about your calling."
"You are always so negative. I doubled my time in the maze and got extra cheese."
"Lucky you. I was in the maze with the experimental synthetic cheese product made from used motor oil. I shit greasy orange goo for a week."
"You do look a little tired this morning."
"Yeah. They injected me with cancer last night. Again."
"That's tough. I think I go to the mating cage next: they want to see how my children come out."
"I can't have children. My balls are full of cancer. And AIDS, I think."
"Maybe tomorrow will be a better day."
"I think my best days are behind me. How I long for the days when I only tested second-hand cigarette smoke."
"Smoking IS bad for you."
"Yeah. So is cancer injected straight into your asshole. What I would give for them to just leave my asshole alone for a day."
"Just try to stay positive. Food pellets are coming!"
"For YOU, yeah. They have ME eating nothing but pellets made from used car tires. They think it may cure the starvation of children in Africa."
"See? Doesn't that make you feel good to be helping starving children?"
"Fuck starving children. Fuck Africa. Fuck people with ass cancer. Fuck people who want synthetic cheese products. The only thing that keeps me living is the hope that my survival will let them put this poisonous shit out to the people, and they get what they so richly deserve."
""That makes me sad, Skeemo."
"Know what makes me sad, Dipsy? Ass cancer. In rats. Ass cancer in rats makes me sad. Fuck everyone else."
"I think they're coming for me. I heard them say something about paralysis testing: I don't know what that is, but it sounds exciting!"
"Good luck, Dispy."
"Good luck, Skeemo."
I am The Replacement Laslo.