My Emotional Support Negro.

These stories are horrible, but not uncommon: I have heard many like them from my 'Emotional Support Negro.'


My 'Emotional Support Negro' helps me through the assorted traumas of everyday white living. If I see what I perceive as a threatening black youth approaching me on the street I consult with my 'Emotional Support Negro' on how I should properly handle the situation, emotionally.


I once spent a night in jail -- the arrest was, underneath it all, due to emotional issues that stemmed from my childhood, I don't want to get into it now, other than to say I don't have to forgive my Uncle if I don't want to, that is my emotional decision to make -- anyway: when I was in jail overnight three men threatened to gang-rape me. However, my 'Emotional Support Negro' told me to not be such a Pussy and to fight back, so I did, THEN they raped me. My 'Emotional Support Negro' was right: knowing that I had fought back made the rape hurt a little less, emotionally.


Sometimes late at night I am overwhelmed by feelings of shame over my privileges as a white man in America. Once, I asked my 'Emotional Support Negro' to spoon with me, just a little while, until the feelings subsided. He said "Don't be such a little Bitch' and went out to the living room to watch SportsCenter. It hurt a little at first, but then I realized my Emotional Support Negro' was right, emotionally. I am a work in progress.


I was in traffic at a red light behind a black man in a Lexus talking on his cell phone. The light turned green but he didn't seem to see it and didn't move. Maybe it was an important call, so I didn't want to honk the horn, honking the horn seems overly aggressive to me, so I waited but then the light turned red again.

When it returned to green the black man in the Lexus was still talking on the phone, so I tapped on the horn lightly and smiled, so if he looked in his mirror he would see that I was smiling, not angry, and that it was a 'friendly' little honk.

Well, he set down his phone, flipped me off, and then drove on his way. I thought I had successfully navigated the situation without resorting to unneeded aggression but my Emotional Support Negro said I was a 'little bitch' and that he was embarrassed to be my Emotional Support Negro sometimes. And he was right, emotionally: my Emotional Support Negro's feelings matter, too.


I hate it when this happens: I was in a crowded parking lot looking for a parking space when I saw a parked car's tail-lights light up. I patiently pulled to the side to give him room to back out, and turned on my turn-signal so everyone would understand that I was waiting for that spot.

Well, once he pulled out a black man in a Mazda zipped in, taking my spot. He probably didn't see me -- it happens -- so I started to move on to find another spot when my Emotional Support Negro called me a "Pussy Bitch." I didn't understand, but then my Emotional Support Negro said I was "Driving While White" and that the parking spot in question was OUR parking space.

I didn't see what it mattered now, but my Emotional Support Negro told me I needed to go back and challenge the black driver if I ever wanted any Respect in this world.

So: I got out of my car as the black driver got out of his, and I said "Maybe you didn't see me, but I was waiting for that spot." The black driver looked at me, laughed, and started walking.

"You just going to take that?" my Emotional Support Negro asked, so I realized I needed to do more so as to be emotionally honest with myself, my Emotional Support Negro was right about these things.

I followed the black driver a few steps and then tapped him on his shoulder: "That was my spot, I think."

He said "F**k You," which I thought was a little more aggressive than the circumstances warranted, but I stood my ground just like my Emotional Support Negro instructed me to, I stood my ground until the black driver punched me in the face and I feel to the pavement; I seem to recall a small child in a shopping cart, laughing at me.

After that everything was hazy, and we left the parking lot. My face hurt, but my Emotional Support Negro was right, emotionally: it felt good to stand up for what was right, even if the other guy was an oppressed minority.

"Bitch, you got a glass jaw," my Emotional Support Negro said, and we decided to go to McDonalds instead.


I was at a club downtown and went to the bar to buy more drinks for me and my date. When I returned to our seats there was a black man in my chair talking to her, with very aggressive body language. At least, I initially took it to be aggressive: I realized his cultural upbringing may be different than mine, and perhaps I was over-reacting.

However, my Emotional Support Negro said to me "Bitch, you can't let no man talk to your ho like that."

Now, I do not like the use of the term 'ho', but I realize that my Emotional Support Negro had a different cultural upbringing than mine also, so a difference in vernacular could be expected.

Anyway, with my Emotional Support Negro's encouragement I entered the conversation and introduced myself, but the black man acted as if I wasn't even there.

Of course, maybe that was part of why he talked so loud -- he could just be hard-of-hearing, but my Emotional Support Negro disagreed, called me a "Pussy" and so I interjected myself more forcefully.

This time the black man turned to me, laughed, then went back to talking to my date. My date seemed fearful, but that could've just been an aspect of her own racism coloring the encounter, this happens to white people.

I asked my Emotional Support Negro what I should do -- he must understand this situation with more cultural sensitivity than I possess -- and he suggested I hit the man over the head with a chair.

Now, I trust my Emotional Support Negro implicitly, but this certainly seemed wrong, emotionally. So I did it, I hit the black man over the head with the chair, but I took great caution to not hit too hard as to hurt him, after which he beat the shit out of me.

So -- anyway -- I ended up in jail again, and several guys threatened to gang-rape me, but I had learned my Emotional Support Negro's lesson from our last time in jail and I went in punching, and I think I landed a few strong blows before I was gang-raped.

And -- like before -- knowing that I had fought back made the rape hurt a little less, emotionally. Indeed, I think I made my Emotional Support Negro proud, which made me feel good, too, except for the sitting-down part.


I am Laslo.

http://althouse.blogspot.com/2014/11/my-vassar-college-faculty-id-affords-me.html