Now: now you are at the crossroads: How Bad Do You Want It?

As some may have noticed, I have had a lot of anal sex with female celebrities. First, the obvious: celebrities love anal sex. 

Instinctively, they do not feel that they have earned anything of the Value of True Love, by which I mean True Love = Vaginal Procreative Sex. And the unwanted babies that come from the pregnancy that ruins the fit of the SuperHero suit for the upcoming sequel.

Anal Sex reminds them that they are not THAT special, and that maybe small children like them would interfere with Coffee and Yoga.

Note: This is why Kim Kardashian had a lot of anal sex back in the day.

Again: I have had a lot of anal sex with female celebrities. Some cry, some slap the pillow and ask for Daddy/George Clooney/Brad Pitt to do it harder: not every woman is the same, once you get past the fact that every woman is essentially the same, and it comes down to the tiny details.

People ask me: Laslo, what is the second-tightest celebrity asshole you have ever fucked?

My answer is two-fold:

1. None of your business,

and

2. Jessica Biel.

Jessica Biel's asshole: a single piece of somewhat-dry spaghetti is existentially frustrated by the lack of effective entrance.

So: you have to lube up your pinkie and circle and press, circle and press, but: no entry, none. To which Jessica inevitably says: "Is it in yet?"

This is where the baby ear of corn comes in. ALWAYS have a baby ear of corn ready -- it just might get you that necessary eighth of an inch.

When the baby ear of corn is removed you try again with the pinkie: circle and press, circle and press.

ONCE YOU HAVE THE FIRST KNUCKLE IN DO NOT LET ANYTHING STOP YOU.

Again: circle and press, circle and press.

At this point she should drink another glass of two of Champagne without you removing your finger. NEVER REMOVE YOUR FINGER.

After an hour or so -- be patient -- you should be able to slide up until the second knuckle. THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO TRY TO FIT IN YOUR COCK.

Unless your cock is noticeably smaller than your pinkie at the second knuckle.

Now: now you are at the crossroads: How Bad Do You Want It? You can give up now, no harm done, and have her suck your cock, or you can commit to a few more hours of minute anal progress.

Because now is the hard part. With your free hand you have to slap her in the face. Not hard, mind you, but a decent slap. She will no doubt exclaim a vulgarity, but your pinkie has now -- finally -- slid all the way in.

THIS IS NOT NOW WHEN YOU PUT YOUR DICK IN.

Press and circle, press and circle: let her calm down. Calm, calm, circle and press.

NOW you put your dick in.

Don't worry: you'll ejaculate within seconds, before she can suggest anything otherwise.

That is how it works with Jessica Biel, the second-tightest celebrity asshole I have ever fucked.

I am Laslo.

http://althouse.blogspot.com/2015/08/at-psychedelic-wall-cafe.html