My Emotional Support Negro and I were enjoying a peaceful Christmas Eve -- I had my Organic Tea with a touch of almond milk and he had a Grape Soda -- when we heard some loud bangs go off outside.
"Do you think those were gunshots?" I asked.
"Sure, ask the Black Guy if those were gunshots. Cause all black men know the sound of gunshots, it's a street thing, right?"
"That's not what I meant..."
"You think that is how blacks celebrate Christmas Eve, Little Bitch? Smoke some chronic, listen to some Lil Weezy and pop off a few shots?"
"It was probably just some fireworks..."
"Or maybe it was some brothers driving around in an Impala, shooting at Plastic Santas and Candy Cane shit on white people's lawns. I mean, Santa is YOUR boy, not ours."
"What do you mean by that? Christmas isn't about race."
"Little Pussy, Christmas is when white people buy other white people shit they don't need. And drink Egg Nog."
"There's more to it then THAT..."
"Little Bitch, ask some black kids in the hood what your fat-ass jolly white boy brought THEM. No Presents, No Peace, understand me?"
Now, I dislike it when my Emotional Support Negro calls me names like "Little Bitch" and "Little Pussy" but I understand that it is a cultural thing, and it does not necessarily mean he views me with disrespect; as such, I sublimate any hurt feelings that I may have incurred and continue our constructive conversation.
"It isn't all about gifts. It is a time for ALL people to contemplate Peace and Good Will, not just whites."
"Peace and Good Will is a white thing, and then you only preach about it one day out of the year."
"Well, people of every race have their hypocrites..."
"So now you are saying black people are hypocritical, too? C'mon, white boy: mention Al Sharpton to my face, just once."
"I just mean that no one is perfect..."
"I love it when white people say that shit, like it lets them off the hook."
"Maybe I'm not making myself clear..."
"Oh, THAT must be it. Can't be that you're wrong, only that you need to dumb it down for us black people to understand: I get it."
"Maybe we need to just respect each other's cultures --"
"--now you're going to bring up Kwanzaa, aren't you Little Bitch? Every time you whites lose on Christmas you have to bring up Kwanzaa to make yourself look all fair and shit."
"Wait --"
"Did you get me a gift, Little Pussy?"
"As a matter of fact, I did..."
"Is it a Christmas gift or a Kwanzaa gift?"
"Umm, I guess it could be either, really..."
"Ahhh, sticking to your Christmas guns I see. You buy me a Christmas gift and now you're afraid to even call it that..."
"It's a Christmas gift. It's a Christmas gift."
"See, I'm cool with that. Is it a big silver luxury car with a big-ass red bow on the roof?"
"Ummm...No..."
"Cause I watch your white people Christmas commercials, and it seems you white people like to buy each other fancy new cars with big-ass bows on top."
"How about you just open it tomorrow. I'm going to get myself another cup of tea..."
"While you're at it can you get me an Egg Nog?"
"Egg Nog? Really?"
"What? Black people can't like Egg Nog? What is it with you white people?"
"It's just fine, I'll get you an Egg Nog."
"And pour some Hennessy in it, will you, Little Bitch? Let's light this Christmas UP..."
Merry Christmas, everyone.
I am Laslo.
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