Scarlett Johansson and I were at a party at Tom Hanks' place and considered having some quick stand-up sex in one of the bathrooms: there were like twenty bathrooms all over the estate, and they were all cleaner than most people's kitchens -- he obviously has great maids.
So we went into one of the bathrooms on the second floor, and it was bigger than many people's bedrooms: elegant colors, soft lighting, real flowers, expensive soaps at the sink. Scarlett starts to hike her skirt up when I notice that, in the light fixture above the toilet, there was a small hidded camera.
Curiosity piqued, we went from bathroom to bathroom looking at the ceilings, and, sure enough: there was a tiny hidden camera above each of the toilets.
We found Tom Hanks passing down a hall and stopped him.
"Tom, what's with all the cameras in the bathrooms?" I ask.
"You saw them?" he says, eyes narrowed.
"Yes, we saw them, Tom," Scarlett says, a hint of anger in her throaty sexy voice.
Then Tom starts to reply in that same way he does in movies when he is communicating sincerity: he talks haltingly, then rephrases the sentence with measured conviction.
"I... like. to. watch. people. take... a crap," he replies. "I like to watch people crap."
"Evidently," Scarlett says, with scorn.
"I can't help it. Wouldn't you want to know -- if given the chance -- what, exactly, does -- say -- Meryl Streep look like when she takes a shit?"
"The thought has never crossed my mind," I say.
"She is classy, almost regal," Tom continues. "Great posture, and very graceful pulling squares of toilet paper from the roll and gently folding them in half."
"On the other hand," Tom continues, "Helen Mirren craps like a football linebacker. I did not expect that, the first time."
"Tom," Scarlett says, staring him in the eye, "we are going to have to tell people. They have a right to expect privacy in the bathroom, of all places."
"But I could show you so many videos -- you'll see what I mean. For instance: Jessica Alba? While she is shitting on the toilet she slips off her shoes and cuts her toenails."
"Tom --"
"And George Clooney? He recites award acceptance speeches when he craps. And Jennifer Lawrence -- she claps happily for herself like a small child when she finishes..."
We left Tom there, muttering about how Matt Damon and Ben Affleck take turns shitting together and giving each other High Fives, and exited the party.
Scarlett and I have noticed that -- since that discovery -- Tom Hanks has not been rewarded an Oscar by his peers ever since.
Things have a way of getting around.
I am Laslo.
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