"Thank you for calling Sensual Technologies, how may I help you?"
"Yeah: my new sex doll -- she's already broken."
"I'm sorry to hear that, sir. We, of course, will honor the warranty. May I ask what is wrong with the doll?"
"Her asshole is broken."
"Yeah. Her asshole: it's all ripped apart. There are, like, wires coming out."
"Which model did you purchase?"
"The Jennifer Aniston model."
"Well, I think I see the problem, sir. The Jennifer Aniston model doesn't do anal."
A sex doll that doesn't do anal? What the hell is that shit?"
"I'm afraid Ms. Aniston's licensing agreement prevents the doll from having an anus."
"What? Jennifer Aniston doesn't have an anus?"
"Her doll doesn't, sir."
So I paid eight-thousand dollars for a Jennifer Aniston sex-doll and it doesn't even do anal?"
"I'm afraid not sir. It's not uncommon with many of the celebrity licensing agreements. For instance, Reese Witherspoon doesn't have an anus."
"But I don't care about Reese Witherspoon's ass: I want to ass-fuck Jennifer Aniston, with that haircut she had back on that TV show."
"I'm afraid there is no Anal Upgrade planned for that model in the foreseeable future."
"Then can I return the doll and get one that DOES do anal?"
"I'm sorry, sir, but it sounds like the damage your doll sustained is not included in the warranty."
"Sir, you cannot ass-fuck a doll that has no anus. Of COURSE you broke it."
"Uh... Is there a dude I can talk to?"
"Yeah: a guy. I don't really feel comfortable discussing my doll's ass-damage with a woman."
"It's just that I think a guy would understand better. You know: about ass-fucking chicks."
"Sir, I'd be glad to sell you a doll that does anal, I assure you."
"But I already paid for THIS doll."
"Maybe you could sell it to somebody second-hand. Does the vagina still work?"
"The vagina? I don't know, I never tried it."
"Well, what dolls do you have that DO do anal?"
"Currently we are proud to carry the anal-action-enabled model of Sarah Jessica Parker."
"Uh... what other models do you have that do anal?"
"That's the only one, I'm afraid."
"You mean if I want to fuck a celebrity doll in the ass it's gotta be Sarah Jessica Parker?"
"But I don't WANT to fuck Sarah Jessica Parker -- even in the ass!"
"I understand, sir. I'm sorry I couldn't have been of help."
"I guess I'll just have to go fuck Jennifer Aniston in the vagina, then. This IS a disappointment."
"I'm sorry, sir...."
"Yeah: me too..."
I am Laslo.