I am leaving the apartment of the Neo-Nazi Girlfriend who Is Not My Girlfriend when I run into her downstairs roommate, F-Ready.
"Hey Bro, want a beer?" he says, tipping his bottle of Miller High Life at me.
"Thanks, but actually I was just leaving..."
"Aw, don't disrespect me, Bro," he says, and I never want to disrespect F-Ready: I am sure bad things happen to people who disrespect F-Ready, so I accept a beer.
"She's quite the girl," he says, motioning upstairs.
"She certainly is... interesting," I say, sipping my beer.
"Yeah," F-Ready nods. "Black men want her bad."
"Huh?"
"The Brothers: they all seem to want her white ass."
"I hadn't noticed."
"Bro, you are a White Man: you need to notice these things." As he says this he puts on a CD: N.W.A.'s "Straight Outta Compton". I feel uncomfortable.
"Interesting music," I say, noncommittally.
"Bro, you say 'interesting' a lot."
"Well..."
"You're thinking that a Proud White Man shouldn't like N.W.A., aren't you?"
I try not to say a sentence with the word 'interesting' in it and come up short, saying nothing at all.
"I can Respect the Black Man who gets his," F-Ready says as "Gangsta Gangsta" plays in the background. "I just don't wanna live with them."
"I understand."
"Anyway, when you're with her" -- he motions upstairs again -- "you gotta watch out for the Black Men. You gotta be Ready."
"Be ready?"
"To defend her honor. Of a Proud White Woman."
"Of course."
"I don't care if it is three-on-one, you gotta at least go down swinging."
"Yes," I nod: "Go down swinging."
"And you better not break her Heart."
"Huh?"
"Last guy she was with broke her Heart, real bad."
"That's awful..."
"It was, bro. I broke his legs though, so some things evened up."
"Sounds like he deserved it, I guess."
"Damn Straight. Then I fucked him in the ass."
"What?"
"I fucked him in the ass, bro. Showed him who's boss."
"Uh..."
"Just kidding, bro. We are on the Outside: no need to follow Prison Rules here."
I nod and finish my beer.
"I think I gotta go," I say. "Thanks for the beer."
"Next time we'll throw down some shots."
"Next time," I say as I leave.
This seems to be heading to a Bad Place. If it weren't for the sex.
I am Laslo.
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