Scarlett Johansson and I had just come back to our hotel room in a small rustic town in Vermont when she went into the bathroom; a few moments later, I heard her exclaim an expletive, so I went to see what was the matter.
"Fuckers!" she said, pointing to the underside of the toilet seat, where a squiggle of Magic Marker was scrawled.
"What is that?" I asked.
"Toilet seat lickers," she said, shaking her head. "They're big in Hollywood, but now they are showing up everywhere..."
"Toilet seat lickers?"
"Yeah," she said, biting her lip in a pouty way that I found sexy but realized it was not intended to be sexy at this moment.
"Homes, restaurants, Starbucks, you name it: they go into the the bathroom and lick the toilet seats. Like, lick-lick the toilet seat."
"I don't get it."
"What's to get? They're creeps. Then they sign their tag under the seat to show that they have been there."
"You gotta be kidding me."
"No, no: one actually broke into Taylor Swift's home and licked and tagged every toilet in her house. She was bed-ridden for days."
"I never heard of this before."
"Yeah. It started in Hollywood -- everyone just figured it was Mexicans, but now it is everywhere."
"I'll call for house-keeping..."
"Don't you see that it's more than something some bleach and Lysol can fix? Don't you see the utter violation that was involved?"
"I'll have them bring a new toilet seat..."
"It's like I've been raped."
"That seems a little strong..."
"OK, OK: it's like the bathroom has been raped. I'm not going in there. I mean if they can do THAT, what the hell else did they do? I'm throwing away my toothbrush."
"That's probably not a bad idea..."
"You should hear the rumors. Some people say the toilet seat lickers rub their naked assholes all over the bathroom doorknobs. Maybe even the faucet handles..."
"Madness," I say. "I'll call the front desk and get us another room."
"I want to be far away from this place."
"I'll get us a room in another hotel."
"Thank you, Laslo."
"Does this mean...?"
"I'm not even THINKING about sex tonight."
"Got it."
I am Laslo.
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