So my Neo-Nazi Girlfriend who Is Not My Girlfriend has good-naturedly gone to the Seven-Eleven to get more Steel Reserves and Twizzlers, and I am sitting in a lawn chair hanging out with F-Ready in the front yard by the chain-link fence. In the background "Straight Outta Compton" is playing on an old boombox and the morning sun feels pretty good indeed with a cold beer in my hand.
"I was just thinking..." I begin.
"Out with it," F-Ready says, eating a Twizzler.
"What if I was black and lived in the hood?"
"You'd make a piss-poor black man, dude. Seriously."
"I mean, would I go gansta because of my environment?"
"Because of your 'environment'?"
"You know: poor, with the police always hassling you."
"You'd last a few weeks in the streets, tops, even if you was black."
"Maybe that Life already makes you harder."
"Gangstas do Gangsta shit: that is how it works."
"Maybe I'd be the Smart Gangsta that people come to respect."
"And maybe you'd be the Fresh Piece of Ass getting ass-fucked in your cell block every night."
"I --"
"Dude, you don't have to be black and in prison to get ass-fucked, if that's what you want. I got a few guys fresh off a stint that would ass-fuck you no problem."
"I don't want to be ass-fucked."
"Good. I was starting to worry about you, son."
"I was just thinking how hard it might be to be black."
"Probably hard to be Chinese, too."
"I don't think it's the same --"
"Black, brown, yellow, red, whatever: being born White is a Gift from God. Stop thinking so much."
"Okay, okay..."
"Thinking Too Much is the White Man's Disease."
"I never thought of it that way before.."
"Of course you hadn't, you're spending all your time thinking stupid shit. Sometimes I wonder what your Girl sees in you. Must get exhausting."
"We talk about a lot of things..."
"Of course you do. Then you bang the shit outta her while talking like a Black Man."
"Wait --"
"I'm only downstairs, bro: I hear that shit. 'White Woman, I'm-a gonna pound you deep with my Big Black Cock.' 'Black man likes it Hard, Little White Girl.' 'Black Man wanna Ass-fuck some White.' Shit like that."
"As I said: You'd make a piss-poor black man, dude. Seriously."
I nod, and finish my beer.
"I hope she gets back soon," F-Ready says. "I'm on my last Twizzler."
I am Laslo.
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