"I'm a UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador, motherfucker."

I met Mia Farrow at a bar in NYC back in the mid-nineties. 

She was sitting alone at the bar, a bit disheveled, drinking martinis and talking to herself incomprehensibly, punctuated by exclamations of "Those bastards!"

I sat by her and ordered a drink; she turned to me and said "I'm a UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador, motherfucker."

"That sounds noble," I replied.

"Damn right it's noble. I adopt kids, I help the dark people in Darfur, and all the cocksuckers want to know about is Woody Allen," she said, lighting a cigarette with shaky hands.

"Doesn't seem fair."

"Fuck right it ain't fair. I knew John Lennon. I was married to Frank-fucking-Sinatra." With this she stubbed out her just-lit cigarette on the bar a few inches from the overflowing ashtray, then lit another cigarette.

"Frank Sinatra is quite the man, it seems."

"And he was hung like a fucking horse," Mia replied. "Screwing him was like fucking a fire hose."

"Okay..."

"Have you ever fucked a fire hose?"

"No. No I haven't."

"It's like fucking Frank Sinatra," she says, finishing her drink. "THAT is what it is like."

Ordering another drink, she continued.

"And Woody: all he wanted was anal sex. All the time: anal, anal, anal."

"That's certainly interesting."

"You know: Frank Sinatra never once fucked me in the ass. Not once."

"Frank sounds like a gentleman."

"It's because his dick was like a fire hose. He would've torn me apart."

I ordered another drink and contemplated leaving, but Mia kept on with the conversation.

"Roman Polanski once tried to fuck me in the ass."

"You've had quite the life."

"Yeah. Frank found out and threatened to break his little Polish ass in half." Mia guzzled her drink, ordered another, then said "Of course, after reading about Roman and the little girls maybe Frank SHOULD have beaten down the little fucker."

"I can see that..."

"Did you know Frank never had anal sex with me?"

"Uh, I think you mentioned that..."

"You know why?"

"Because it would be like fucking a fire hose?"

"It'd be like fucking a fire hose in you ASS: that's what it would be like..."

I nodded, and sipped my drink.

"I once almost cut off Woody's balls while he was sleeping."

"Really?"

"Yeah, the cocksucker. He was sleeping and I had a pair of scissors and I almost did it."

"It's probably for the best that you didn't follow through..."

"Fuck that. I shoulda done it. FRANK would've."

"Still, I think it's good that you didn't. No one would remember all your hard work, helping people."

"Damn straight. "I'm a UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador, motherfucker."

"That's my point."

"Did you know that Frank Sinatra never once tried to fuck me in the ass?"

And with that Mia's limousine arrived.

"Good night, Mia."

"Like a fucking fire hose, that man..."

I am Laslo.

http://althouse.blogspot.com/2015/07/i-had-no-idea-that-lion-i-took-was.html