Saturday, March 14, 2015

"I think I'm going to call it "The Two Ends of Love." It'll be metaphorical."


I had a part-time job working evenings at an adult bookstore -- just doing research on the project that is the Life of Laslo -- when Taylor Swift came in one cold rainy night.

Now, it is not uncommon for women to enter the store, but most seem paralyzed by the vast array of possibilities that await them in all manners of color, flexibility, length and -- more important than many might suspect -- girth. However: not Taylor.

She walked in her mini-skirt and fashionable trench-coat directly to the section of double-headed dildos, cooly scanned the options, and without internal debate chose two yellow polyurethane ribbed 3-foot double-headed dildos,

As she approached the cash register I politely asked if she had found everything she was looking for.

"I came in to purchase two yellow polyurethane ribbed 3-foot double-headed dildos, I found the two yellow polyurethane ribbed 3-foot double-headed dildos that I was looking for, and this will complete my purchase."

I rang them up, and started to put the items in a flimsy see-through plastic bag when she said that wouldn't be necessary: she proceeded to bend the two yellow polyurethane ribbed 3-foot double-headed dildos and fit them in the pockets of her trench-coat.

"I bet you are dying to ask me what I plan to do with these," she purred, her voice that of a little girl being naughty: Taylor Swift can be an impressive naughty little girl.

"I respect your privacy," I replied.

"I intend to put one end of my yellow polyurethane ribbed 3-foot double-headed dildo in my vagina..."

"I think that is an entirely proper use."

"...Then I will put the other end in my ass."

"I suspect many purchasers of this item intend the same usage," I nodded.

"So I'll have one end of the yellow polyurethane ribbed 3-foot double-headed dildo in my vagina, and the other end in my ass. At the same time."

"Yes, yes: I put that together."

"Because I like the sensation of something in my vagina AND in my ass. At the same time."

"Understood."

"Do you know why I am buying two of them?"

"Let me guess: you are buying one for a friend."

"You're a smart one."

"And that friend is Natalie Portman."

Taylor paused for a moment, stunned. "How did you know?"

"Because just a little earlier this evening Natalie Portman purchased two polyurethane ribbed 3-foot double-headed dildos, and said one was for you. It's nice to see people do nice things for each other."

"Well, I'm not quite sure we'll need four of them..."

"That's okay -- yours are yellow; the two polyurethane ribbed 3-foot double-headed dildos Natalie bought were black."

"Natalie can be a naughty little girl sometimes."

"I imagine."

"I'm going to write a song about these dildos, you know."

"Can't wait to hear it."

"I think I'm going to call it "The Two Ends of Love." It'll be metaphorical."

"It is good to be inspired."

And with that, Taylor Swift exited into the dark rainy night with two yellow polyurethane ribbed 3-foot double-headed dildos in the pockets of her fashionable trench-coat.

So my point is it isn't so embarrassing anymore.

I am Laslo.



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