"You called for the ride?"
"You're my Uber driver?"
"I thought Uber drivers drove nice modern cars. Clean cars."
"My 'modern' car is, uh, in the shop. Some computer doohickey thing. What we have HERE is my ol' dependable White Van With No Windows In The Back."
"I gotta say: it's kinda creepy."
"That's probably because I just finished driving an old lady to her Church Bingo. You're just sensing the Old Lady Smell."
"I don't think that's it..."
"Oh, that's it alright. It's okay, though -- I have Febreze. It's Hawaiian Aloha scent -- good stuff. Have you ever been to Hawaii?"
"You know, I think I might call a friend for a ride, instead..."
"Oh, relax: I'll be your friend. We can be two friends, taking a ride in a van, listening to some Pablo Cruise."
"You don't know who Pablo Cruise were? You know:
'Oh, but it's all right once you get past the pain
You'll learn to find your love again
So keep your heart open
'Cause love will find a way
Love will find a way, love will find a way...'"
"I don't know what that is."
That's it: you MUST get in the Van. It's time you got you some Pablo."
"I think I'm going to go back into the restaurant...."
"Is it me? It's me, isn't it?"
"No, no: I'm sure you're fine, really..."
"I mean, it's not like I'm going to tie you up in the back and put an orange-ball gag in your mouth: I'm not some kind of freak..."
"That's not what I meant --"
"Because -- you know -- maybe now I WANT to put an orange-ball gag in your mouth, and make you wear a blue wig while I do my Dance. Are you wearing panties?"
"You know, you ARE a fucking freak -- I'm leaving."
"Oh, I get it: you're not wearing panties. You're a naughty, naughty no-panties girl..."
"Ohhhh: 'no-panties-Girl has a naughty mouth! You're just lucky that I saw that guy in the restaurant writing down my license plate number..."
I am Laslo.