The Edgy Comic with Behavior Issues...
"Yeah, I know: there's something wrong with me. I'm a sick fuck: I get it. I see a hot girl and I think: man, I need to take a shit in front of her. You all think I'm joking, right? That this is part of my act? I got to tell you: I only developed this act so that I'd have an EXCUSE to shit in front of girls...
Look -- you're all laughing. You are only encouraging me, you know? I mean, there's a part of me that wants to take a shit right now, in front of you, on this stage. The only thing that stops me is that I think it's illegal in public. And that there are guys in the audience: I can't take a shit in front of men. Really. If I'm in a stall in a public restroom I can't do anything until the rest of the place is empty. Like the only sound is water slowly dripping in the sink -- plink! -- that kind of empty. Lucky you, huh girls...?
People say to me, 'why do you like to shit in front of women?" Like I have a clear understanding of the sick dark recesses of my mind. Like that Chinese woman at the daycare really fucked with me when I was toilet-training, maybe. Yeah: that's not true. I'm not even sure why I made that imaginary daycare worker Chinese. I don't have a problem with Chinese women except I think they are always judging me. Is it racist to say I think it's the eyes...?
Seriously: when I DO take a shit in front of a girl they always act surprised. And it IS awkward, right after: I think they are thinking "are you gonna clean that up?" People: I'm a comic, I'm in hotels: they have people on staff to clean that up, right...?
Sure, I can take a shit in front of a girl, but I have to wait for her to leave before I can masturbate about it. Really. But that's usually not a problem: they all pretty much leave fast. And so I go into the bathroom and jack off, and when I come out there's my shit sitting there in the middle of the floor. And I just can't deal with that right now, so I just put a napkin over it and get the hell out of the room and go to a bar to get drunk...
And at the bar, there's usually someone who recognizes me. They'll yell to me, 'Hey! Take a shit in front of any girls lately?' And I'll laugh and say "Yeah! Just twenty minutes ago, back at the hotel." Everyone laughs -- they don't fucking believe me, they think I'm kidding. See? YOU'RE laughing: you think I'm kidding. And you know, it really IS easier this way. Because if you REALLY knew what I was like you would hate me, and that would just make me need your attention even more: I'm needy that way...
Thank you, you've been great..."
I am Laslo.
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