David Bergstein, the Hack Jewish Comic Who Isn't Jewish....
It's tough being a Jew, I tell you. Just the other day I had a friend buy me some striped pajamas as a gift, and I had to wonder: what did he MEAN by this? Was this a concentration camp thing? And did he pay retail...?
And I like blonde women. Even German blonde women who kinda remind me of Nazis -- I can't help it. It's not that I don't like Jewish women, but they always remind me of my mother. And when I think of my mother I think of her washing my penis when I was twelve. And -- yes -- I got an erection. I'm not sure if this was a 'Jewish thing', but the only other people I know that had this happen to them were Jewish, too, so I guess -- yeah -- it probably IS a Jewish Thing...
People are always surprised that I'm not wealthy. You know: us Jews are supposed to be good with money. But I should say I'm not wealthy YET: when my parents die, that's gonna change, fingers crossed...
I get people who say to me: "David, how can you do these jokes? You're not even Jewish." Sure, I get it. But people always tell me I LOOK Jewish, I'm tight with money and I don't eat bacon, so: close enough...
My mother, she's a Christian: all of this is really hard on her, she's worried about my soul. I try to explain to her: I don't need to do all that charitable Jesus stuff, I'm one of the Chosen Ones -- I get to go to the front of the line when Heaven comes. She says it doesn't work that way, that I'm not really Jewish. I tell her: MOM! I DON'T EAT BACON! You know, I think she's just upset that I don't have to buy her Christmas presents anymore...
Thank you, you've been a great audience! Shalom!
I am Laslo.
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