It's gotta be my liver, right? I drink like a fish night after night after fucking night and now my liver is exploding...

The Edgy Comic with Behavior Issues...

"So I gotta tell you: if you want to shit in front of hot girls you really need to be careful what you eat. Like, REALLY careful, right...?

I'm a comic, I'm on the road, I drink a lot: a fancy dinner for me is going to Denny's or iHop. I eat a lot of fast food, and -- you probably already know this, right? -- fast food and alcohol, they really can wreak havoc on your bowels...

You're laughing, you're laughing: you know it's true. And when you're taking a shit in front of a hot girl you don't want to be loose. Or runny. Or wet. Definitely not wet...

Yeah, yeah: you know where this is going. It's after a show, I've had some Taco Bell, and I've been drinking crazy-ass college-bar mixed drinks, and this chick comes back to the hotel with me...

So I go to take a shit in front of her but I can't get my pants down fast enough: I'm shitting a hurricane, there's corn from 1992 in there, and it. keeps. coming....

So the rooms smells like backstage at a Tijuana Donkey Show, there's shit on my pants, shit on my shoes, and she says 'That doesn't look good...'

Yeah: she said that. Of course it doesn't look good, it looks like fucking Apocalypse Now Viet Nam all over the carpet, the only thing that can save this room is napalm, but she says 'I think there's blood in there..."

Oh fuck. Now I'm thinking it's my liver. It's gotta be my liver, right? I drink like a fish night after night after fucking night and now my liver is exploding. You shit blood when your liver explodes, right? Any doctors in the audience? No...?

Anyway, she leaves the room, saying "You might want to check that out." Good advice, thank you, yeah: check out why I'm shitting blood -- got it. And I'm terrified, terrified -- you're all laughing, but I'm fucking SCARED...

But here's the thing. The next day I watch what I eat, I don't drink, and at night when I shit there's no blood! No blood in my shit! So there's nothing to worry about -- I'm cured! This is fucking fantastic! So I guess the point of my story is -- if you are a heavy drinker and eat terrible food, it's okay if you shit a little blood: it happens. Relax. You know: it isn't the shitting blood, it's the WORRY that kills you...

Thank you, you've been great..."

I am Laslo.