That is what I am known for now -- no one gives a fuck about my charity work that I might do, someday, in the future, if I get rich...

The Edgy Comic with Behavior Issues...

"So I'm at a bar in Florida before a show when this guy sits down next to me, all excited...

"You're that guy that likes to shit in front of girls, right?"

I tell him, yes, I am That Guy. That is what I am known for now -- no one gives a fuck about my charity work that I might do, someday, in the future, if I get rich...

Then he says "I like to shit on girls, too!"

I think he thinks we're bonding -- we're going to be Best Friends, I can tell -- but I explain to him that I like to shit in FRONT of girls, not shit ON girls...

"Sure," he says, then he repeats that he sure does like to shit on girls...

Look, people: I'm a sick man, I know, but get it fucking right, okay? So now this guy thinks I'm as fucked up as he is, and I'm offended. Dude: we are worlds apart, you and I. But he offers to buy me a drink and I'm cheap, so I accept the offer...

"So how many girls have you shit on?" I ask him. Because: George Clooney -- I bet he can get girls to let him shit on them. Brad Pitt, sure. Maybe even Matt Damon if he tosses in a little money. But this guy? This guy ain't them...

"One or two," he says, and -- who knows? -- maybe he is telling the truth. There are a LOT of fucked-up guys out there, but there ARE some fucked-up girls, too: sometimes the paths might cross...

So I ask him: "What did these one or two girls think about getting shit on?"

And he says: "I don't know, they were passed-out drunk."

And then it hits me, it hits me hard: I am Famous to this guy. He likes me. And I am NEVER going to get a voice-role in any fucking Disney animated movie, ever...

Thank you, you've been great..."

I am Laslo.