I have a friend who's an Arab, and except for his agreeing with Hitler we get along OK.

David Bergstein, the Hack Jewish Comic Who Isn't Jewish....

It's tough being a Jew, I tell you. I mean, I've read the Protocols of the Elders of Zion -- a lot of people don't like us. And as Jews, we're not even supposed to be proud about the parts the Protocols got right. You can't win, I tell you...

I met Natalie Portman once. I was thinking: she's a Jew, I'm a Jew -- maybe we'll hit it off, have some hot Jewish sex and some matzah. But we didn't. I'm not sure, but I think I was too Jewish for her -- she said I reminded her of her accountant, but creepier...

Did you notice what she said? "Creepier". Meaning her accountant was creepy, just not as creepy as I was. Her accountant and I, we're creepy Jews. This sucks, people. Why is it that when a goy hits on a girl who isn't interested, he's just a jerk: but when it's a Jew, we're 'creepy'? It's not like I sprayed myself with Drakkar Noir -- or at least not since High School...

You know what else sucks? Other people, they can hate Muslims. But if you are a Jew that hates Muslims, now you have to hear about the Arab History of the Palestinians and how Israelis are the new Nazis. Sometimes it's not even worth it...

But I don't hate Muslims. I have a friend who's an Arab, and except for his agreeing with Hitler we get along OK. Well, actually, he's not really a 'friend', he's just the guy who works at the Shawarma place. We're polite to each other, but I think the guys in the back spit in my food...

People say "David, how can you make these jokes when you're not really a Jew?" You know what I call these people? Antisemites....

Thank you, you've been a great audience! Shalom!

I am Laslo.