Anyway, I used to have a dream: in that dream I am at a funeral home, and Jennifer Aniston has tragically died, and they wheel her in the back...

The Stand-Up Comedian in Tacoma...

"Okay people, when I told you about the shit I've done I didn't lie... but I din't include all of it, either, you know what I mean...?

So here's a story: I got into stand-up comedy because of Jennifer Aniston. Really. She does it for me, you know? And I figured if I became a big-enough comedian that maybe I'd get to do a movie some day, and maybe even a movie with her, and then maybe I could even touch her ass...

But here's the thing: this dream was a decade ago. And Jennifer -- she's still pretty hot -- don't get me wrong -- but she IS a bit older now, if you know what I mean...

I get it: we all get older. Sure. But I don't want to see my Fantasy Chick get older, you know? I liked it when her skin glowed, and now... well, now her face is showing some desperation. She's trying to hold onto The Look, but the face is starting to show the strain...

That fucking Botox: when I shoot my load on a girl's face I want to see some reaction, you know...?

Anyway, I used to have a dream: in that dream I am at a funeral home, and Jennifer Aniston has tragically died, and they wheel her in the back. Now I'm not the kind of guy who gets off on dead chicks -- no judgement here, it's just not my thing, okay? -- but it IS Jennifer Aniston, so: yes, I fucked her dead body...

The good thing is she had died one of those deaths where the body doesn't get all fucked up -- like, her head wasn't smashed from a head-on collision with a semi or anything, she still has her arms and legs. So she's still pretty fresh, as far as dead bodies go. But here's the thing: I'm fucking her, and I can tell she's not really into it...

Then my mother comes into the room while I'm fucking Jennifer Aniston's dead body and the dream gets REALLY weird, I'm not going to go into that part, except to say that -- in the dream -- I did not fuck my mother, but I didn't stop fucking Jennifer either, if you know what I mean...

So the other day I'm reading the internet-- I'm a comic, it's research, okay? -- and I see a picture of Jennifer Aniston on some beach. She's in a bikini, bending over, so the photo is pretty much her ass. But then I see it: there are ripples on her thighs. Ripples. And -- Bam! -- I realized that my Fantasy Chick was gone...

It's okay, I've got a new Fantasy Chick now, it's all good. Of course she's an actress. And hot. I'd tell you who she was, but I'll wait until she turns eighteen...

I am Laslo.