Ted Kennedy's Ghost, the Stand-Up Comic...
Good evening everyone -- great crowd, great crowd...
It's tough being a Kennedy, it's tough. Tough, ah, being the brother of John and Bobby. John and Bobby: my brothers. For instance: Johnny, he fucked Marilyn Monroe. He did: he fucked Marilyn. And Bobby: he fucked Marilyn, too. Bobby fucked Marilyn Monroe. Me, ah, I didn't get to fuck Marilyn. No Marilyn for Teddy: tough, I tell you...
I miss them: I miss my brothers. Both of them got shot; I didn't get shot. So they fucked Marilyn, and they got shot. Neither of which, ah, happened to me. Win some, lose some, my father used to say. When he wasn't fucking whores, he said that...
But I've had my share of girls, oh yes. Girls: I've had many. Ah, it reminds me of a joke me and my brothers used to tell; here, I'll, ah, tell it to you...
"How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
"Ah, it depends on how many girls are in the lightbulb."
Yeah, we'd laugh over that one...
But I was a big supporter of Feminism in the day, I'm, ah, proud of that. Society needs to be equal, and something had to be done for the girls who weren't that pretty...
My dry cleaner, he'd say to me: "Mr. Kennedy, I've been doing your laundry for years. And you have so many shirts and ties, but not many pants." And I'd tell him "I don't, ah, have as much need for pants." Because I often walked around without wearing, ah, pants...
Tough to be a politician, today. It seems like everybody is, ah, upset about sex. In my day, the women were discreet. For instance, Mary Jo Kopechne, she, ah, never said a word...
Yeah: poor Mary Jo. Ah, today, she'd probably be tweeting from her phone inside the car, under the water. Hashtag I'm Drowning, Hashtag Drunk Teddie Can't Drive, Hashtag This Water Is Cold: things like, ah, that, I suspect. When all she would need to do was Google "How to get out of an underwater car..."
Maybe this sounds like I don't take the whole, ah, the whole thing seriously. I do take it seriously, seriously indeed. Oh, I prayed after Mary Jo, I prayed. I prayed that, after that day, all the bridges I would have to drive over, ah, had guardrails...
But it seems tough to be a man in politics today. Women are touchy about being touched. Ha, that's funny: touchy, touched. That's the fabled Kennedy Wit, right there. In my day, if a woman didn't want you to touch her, she would just leave. Then the Secret Service guys, they'd bring her right back -- it was fun back then...
You've been great, thank you...
I am Laslo.
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