Sunday, February 26, 2017

Some are heartbreakingly poor, some are obsessed with cleanliness and lemon scent, some really like chocolate a lot and have bowel issues...

Derek Vale, Writer of Books He Hasn't Written...

As an author of unwritten books, my mind is constantly roiling with new stories and characters -- it is hard to have enough time to not write all of them down...

My latest is the story of a man who compiles other people's grocery lists accidentally left in the supermarket. He then goes from aisle to aisle, pretending to gather all the items on the list and gaining insight into their anonymous lives. Some are heartbreakingly poor, some are obsessed with cleanliness and lemon scent, some really like chocolate a lot and have bowel issues...

Eventually, the character I didn't name comes across a list that convinces him that the list writer is a man who keeps young women trapped in his home and then kills them with ant poison. And he also has a problem with ants. The twists will leave any reader breathless, if the reader could read my unwritten book...

The unwritten reviews of the books I didn't write are unanimously positive, often giving special attention to the depth of the characters they didn't read...

Sometimes I picture my unwritten books being turned into unmade films: surely there should be an Oscars category for that. Oh, the modest yet moving winning acceptance speeches I can see myself not giving...

The more I look back at my literary career the more I realize I need to begin not writing my autobiography, but that may have to wait: there is so much left for me to not write, I can barely keep up...



I am Laslo.


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