Thursday, July 7, 2016

"Daughter. My cancer-ridden Daughter. I'm sorry, Baby: Mother just couldn't take anymore..."

"America, It's Time for 'Big Bukkake Pay Raise'!"

Our new contestant works as an analyst for a large company we can't name on television on advice of our lawyers. How are you doing, Beth?"

"I'm ready, Sam!"

"Good, good! How about -- before we begin -- you tell us a little about what you do..."

"Uh, basically I make spreadsheets. Then I cross-reference the spreadsheets. Then sometimes I bring the spreadsheets into Powerpoint."

"Fantastic, Beth! And when was the last time you had a pay raise?"

"That would be 2006, Sam."

"That's a looooong time, Beth. Luckily, your employers recommended you for our show, 'Big Bukkake Pay Raise'. Are you read to Up Your Pay?"

"I think so, Sam. I have a child with cancer, and could use some money."

"A child with Cancer? That's certainly sad. Am I right, America? A Big BIG Sad. So let's root for Beth, shall we?"

"Thank you, Sam."

"So Beth, you know the Rules: each man who ejaculates on your face is worth a one-percent increase in your work wages. Are you ready to play?"

"Sure, Sam, I'm ready -- oh Shit!"

"See? That was Bukkake Round One -- a Quick One! -- and you have already earned a One Percent Raise!"

"Can I wipe my face, Sam?"

"You know the Rules, Beth: no Wiping Allowed."


"Bukkake Round Two involves a man who ate a lot of asparagus and garlic: are you ready?"

"I think so..."

"Fire away, Round Two!!!"

"Oh God, I'm gagging. Can I please wipe my face?"

"Beth, Beth, Beth: if you wipe your face you lose all your Pay Raises. You don't want to lose that two-percent you've earned  just because of some foul discomfort, do you?"

"I guess not, Sam, but it smells like rotten eggs and cabbage."

"Well put, Beth! Are you ready for Bukkake Round Three?"

"I don't know: I'm swallowing vomit..."

"Hang in there, Beth! Bukkake Round Three is an amputee with Diabetes -- Here it Comes!!!!"

"Oh God, No!!! My eyes sting So bad..."

"But Beth, you've earned a three-percent raise, unless you forfeit by throwing up. It's a tough economy out there, and you have a Child with Aids."

"Uh, Sam? She has Cancer, not Aids."

"Splitting hairs there, Beth? Are you ready for Bukkake Round Four?"

"Can I stop now?"

"You know the Rules: if you quit before Round Five you forfeit your winnings."

"I don't know if its worth it, Sam. I feel like my face is coated with a rotten omelette..."

"Stay strong, Beth -- America is rooting for you! Now, if you've watched our show before, you know our Bukkake Man for Round Four..."

"I don't know if I can do this, Sam..."

"Bukkake Man Round Four: he has a condition where he has explosive diarrhea when he ejaculates: he's like clockwork, that way..."

"I can't..."

"Your Son is depending on it, Beth..."

"It's my Daughter, Sam. I have a Daughter."

"That's right: it's a Daughter with Cancer! My mistake. But now: here he comes..."

"Oh Lord help me..."

"Oh, America!"

"I have diarrhea in my hair! I have come on my face, and I am splattered with shit!"

"Now THAT'S worth a four percent raise!"

"I think I'm going to lose it..."

"Hold it in Beth, hold it in..."


"Oh Beth! You threw up! You just forfeited your four-percent raise! I'm sure your Son will forgive you, though..."

"Daughter. My cancer-ridden Daughter. I'm sorry, Baby: Mother just couldn't take anymore..."

"Well Beth, we thank you for playing. Our sponsor -- Bukkake Wet Wipes -- has some complimentary product for you to clean up back-stage..."

I am Laslo.

ADDED: Removed from Althouse after complaints. My choice, that.

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