"Hey Clint? This is Burt..."
"What's up, Burt?"
"Remember that Party in the Seventies?"
"I think you're going to need to narrow that one down, Burt."
"You know the one: the party where I fucked Farrah Fawcett in the ass. In the back bedroom. In the back bedroom I fucked Farrah in the ass."
"Yeah, I remember that."
"Well, now Caitlyn Jenner is saying that it was HER, not Farrah."
"Sounds about right."
"It was a dude, Burt. The chick you fucked was absolutely a dude. I saw her."
"You must be thinking of someone else..."
"Nah, it was her. In fact, you came over to me afterward and pointed her out. Said you fucked her in the ass."
"And you knew it was a dude?"
"Hell, yeah. One-hundred-percent."
"I think I'm going to be sick..."
"Take it easy on yourself, Burt. It was a long time ago."
"Yeah, but now everyone knows that me -- Burt Reynolds -- fucked a guy in the ass. This shit ain't funny."
"If I were you, I'd just go with it. If you show you're angry the liberal Hollywood types will attack you."
"So I just say, sure, I fucked Bruce Jenner in the ass, but he was wearing a wig?"
"I don't know..."
"Hell, they'll probably make you famous again. Cast you in a movie about drag queens or something. If you play your cards right you might even get that Oscar."
"You think they'd give me an Oscar if I say I fucked Bruce Jenner in the ass?"
"Yeah. But make sure to call her Caitlyn. You can say you saw the femininity in her before anyone else did. Makes you look progressive."
"But does that mean I need to fuck dudes, now?"
"Every now and then, Burt. If you want that Oscar."
"Hell, now you can remake "Smokey and the Bandit", but instead of Sally Field you drive around with a transgender fella. "Smokey and the Ass-Bandit." People will love it."
"I DID love it when people loved me..."
"The Seventies were a Good Time..."
"Yeah, they were. I just hope I didn't fuck any other guys in the ass, that's all."
"And to think: all this time I was worried about all the underage girls..."
I am Laslo.