Unhappy Blog Commenter at the Psychiatrist...
"How are we feeling this week...?"
"Same as last week, I suppose. I called people on the Internet idiots, they called me an idiot, I told them no-YOU'RE-the-idiot. I won."
"And did this provide you emotional satisfaction?"
"For a few moments, yes. I find satisfaction in my superiority."
"So someone who disagrees with you is not just disagreeing, they are inferior?"
"Hell yeah. They're Idiots and Douchebags. Or Douchebag Idiots. You get the idea."
"What if I were to tell you that you are NOT superior, but are simply a man with opinions, much like everyone else?"
"Sure, Doc. Nazis had opinions, too. So do child molesters."
"You think that the people who disagree with you must be Nazis or child molesters?"
"Oh yeah. Nazis with sexual problems, that's them. And a lot of them probably can't even get it up anymore. Not even with farm animals. Because they're old."
"So their age matters?"
"Of course it does. Old people have old ideas. Old ideas are in the way."
"Let's take a step back. How do you interact with people in the Real World?"
"They're all Fake. Have you ever read "Catcher in the Rye"?"
"Yes, I have."
"I see a lot of myself in Holden Caulfield. He got tired of putting up with people's shit."
"That IS an interesting insight. You DO realize Caulfield was an adolescent?"
"Well, after adolescence it is hoped that people mature."
"Mature? Like getting old and fucking stupid? Fuck that. It's like what they say: "When you grow up, your heart dies."
"Is that from a movie?"
"Yeah. The Fucking "Breakfast Club," man. That was the real shit. I'm like Holden Caulfield, but I'm like Bender, too. Bad-ass."
"I notice you identify with disaffected anti-social adolescent characters."
"You mean the ones with the balls to call out old people on their shit? Sure, I'll cop to that."
"Do you ever think how you'll be when you get old?"
"I ain't gonna be putting my cigarettes out on my son's arm, if you know what I mean."
"Actually, I'm not sure what you mean. Is that another movie reference?"
"Fuck yeah -- "The Breakfast Club", man. Bender's Dad put out his cigarettes on Bender's arm, but Bender didn't let it bring him down."
"Stupid, worthless, no good, goddamn, freeloading son of a bitch. Retarded, big mouth, know-it-all, asshole, jerk. You forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful. Shut up bitch! Go fix me a turkey pot pie. No dad, what about you? Fuck you. No dad, what about you? Fuck you. Dad, what about you?
"I take it that is Bender talking with his Father?"
"Fuck yeah. That's how those idiot douchebags on the internet are. They just want you to shut up so they can eat their turkey pot pie. But I'm not gonna let them eat their turkey pot pie. I'm NEVER gonna let them eat their turkey pot pie."
"I think our session is coming to a close..."
"I spit on their turkey pot pie! I SHIT on their turkey pot pie..."
"Yes, alright: we'll resume this line of discussion next week..."
"I'll shit on their turkey pot pie and then I'll make them eat it! EAT IT, OLD PEOPLE! EAT TURKEY POT PIE SHIT...!"
I am Laslo.