Socially Awkward Guy Who Makes No Eye Contact says:
I was in a play in High School: I thought I might find people like me in Drama Class, but even the Drama Kids found me creepy. What was even worse was that Mr. Jenkins, the Drama teacher, hit on all the boys in class except for me. It sucks being a kid when even the gay pedophiles don't want you...
Still, I was excited about being in the play. Sure, it was a small part -- only one line -- but I was a Part of Something Big, and I practiced and practiced. Even my Mom seemed somewhat supportive, for once: she said I'd probably do all right as long as I didn't pee myself...
The teacher wrote the play himself, and he seemed pleased with how I delivered my line: "I'm gonna leave this lousy podunk town and go to the Big City, where I can be as fabulously gay as I want to be!" This came at the end of the scene where the other kids beat me up for being gay: it was supposed to be just acting, but some of those boys still hit and kicked me real hard...
Well, the big moment came, and I stood in the lights and delivered my line perfectly. I was SO nervous, but I didn't pee myself, not even a drop. Instead, I farted...
The crowd laughed, and the other actors laughed, and I just stood there, frozen, realizing that not only did I fart but I also shit my pants a little...
After the play was -- thankfully -- over, my teacher shook his head and said only one thing to me: "REAL gay men don't fart in public..."
I remember the long drive home with my mother, trying not to squirm in my seat with my soiled pants. The only thing she said during the entire ride was "roll down the window, you're making my eyes water..."
I watched the headlights on the other side of the road and imagined us getting into a head-on collision and my mother getting paralyzed from the neck down: let's talk about shitting NOW, Mom...
Like no one else thinks these things.
I hope the Girl with the Blue Hair is working at McDonalds today.
I am Laslo.
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