Sunday, November 13, 2016

Smells his finger! That's gold!

(SNL writers in an office, throwing ideas out)

Writer #1: I know -- I know! How about we do Trump as an orangutan? And he's trying to read a newspaper, but he's holding it upside-down!"

Writer #2: Sounds good! Where do we go with it?

Writer #1: I don't know. Maybe he scratches his ass?

Writer #3: And then he smells his finger!

Writer #1: Smells his finger! That's gold!

Writer #2: I got one! Trump shows up on a CNN interview, but with a Hitler moustache. And people keep looking at him, and he doesn't get it. "What? What are you looking at?" he keeps asking...

Writer #3: That's a good one, too!

Writer #2: Yeah! He's too dumb to know what he did!

Writer #1: Wait! I got it: CNN has a translator, who translates Trump into German!

Writer #2: Brilliant! Trump says his usual bullcrap, and then we see the subtitles of the German translation, explaining it in Nazi terms!

Writer #3: The translator could be dressed as a Nazi, too! That will really bring it home!

Writer #1: We gotta start writing this down...

(writers start furiously scribbling; moments later there is a knock at the door)

Writer #1: Come on in!

(Nazi-style Stormtroopers come in the room)

Stormtrooper Lead (German accent): We have had troubling reports of your writing...

Writer #1: We're just comedians! We just make fun of stuff, that's all!"

Stormtrooper Lead: So you find treason funny? That is an odd type of funny, herr writer...

Writer #2: We don't mean any harm, really! They're just jokes!

Stormtrooper Lead: Then tell me one of these funny jokes.

Writer #1: Uh... we have the President as an orangutan? 

Stormtrooper Lead: And this is funny to you?

Writer #2: Well, he scratches his ass...

Writer #3: And then he smells his finger!

Stormtrooper Lead: And you are paid to come up with such things?

Writer #1: Well, yeah...

Stormtrooper Lead: Who is it that pays you for this... comedy?

Writer #3: Lorne Michaels! Lorne pays us! He's upstairs right now, I bet!

Stormtrooper Lead: I think we shall visit this... Lorne.

(Stormtroopers leave; writers wipe foreheads, etc)

Writer #3: That was CLOSE!

Writer #1: I know! I hope Lorne will be okay...

Writer #2: I have a bad feeling about this, guys: I mean, we turned Lorne over to the Stormtroopers. Without a fight, even.

Writer #3: Ah, Lorne will be okay: he handles things like this from the Network all the time...

(machine gun fire from above)

Writer #1: Maybe they're just trying to scare him, that's all...

(more machine gun fire from above)

Writer #3: I don't know about Lorne being scared, but I just wet myself...

Writer #1: Guys! Guys! We must stay strong! America needs our Humor, more than ever!

(more machine gun fire from above)

Writer #2: I don't know, I'm thinking Canada might need Humor, too...

Writer #1: I'll drive...

Writer #3: Your car is a Prius -- it will give us away for sure!

Writer #2: My car is a Ford -- I think we'll be safe...

Writer #1: Than k God SOMEONE here bought American...

(writers leave office; more machine gun fire)

I am Laslo.

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